Discussion Angry and irritated all the time now

[murderatruemorgue]

As a kid, a teen, even through my 20s I was never as angry as I am now. All the time I'm angry, irritable, frustrated. Every little thing makes me so mad. I get frustrated at people, my pets, inanimate objects, time itself... I don't know what it feels like to be happy anymore.

We have this narrative culturally of the '5 Stages of Grief' but most people don't realize that Kübler-Ross was studying the effect of grief on terminally ill patients, not those they left behind. Her initial study and book delved into 5 stages people MAY experience in confronting their own upcoming death (not hard and fast rules) as a way to de-stigmatize the experience. She did do further study into more general grief later on, but at that point people had gone and run with her original studies in directions she never intended.

Do you experience times of anger in grieving your own death? So utterly frustrated at the world and the powers that be that you should have a had a life and brain that could be content if not happy? Just utterly done with everyone else and their petty frustrations? Just me?

 

[Linda]

I wouldn't grieve my own death. I would be more inclined to throw a party.

You don't provid enough information for me to have much idea what is causing your feelings. Have you talked to a therapist?

 

[hikikomorizombie]

Do you experience times of anger in grieving your own death?

noreally the only emotion i feel now is contempt, for ppl & society & life in general.

 

[murderatruemorgue]

I wouldn't grieve my own death. I would be more inclined to throw a party.

You don't provid enough information for me to have much idea what is causing your feelings. Have you talked to a therapist?

More grieving that it's my only real option at this point. That death should not be the only thing I can do to stop the pain. That I did everything I could, everything I was told to try, for so fucking long and all it did was make me lose more.

I've been in therapy consistently for over 20 years, including some inpatient and partial inpatient programs. Seen psychiatrist almost as long. I've tried all the lovely acronyms (CBT, DBT, ACT, etc etc.) I'm not new to this rodeo, and I'm tired of it.

noreally the main emotion i feel now is contempt, for ppl & society & life in general.

You know, I think contempt is a good word for it too.

I tried fighting. For over 20 years, through mental, emotional, and physical pain, and I've only fallen more and more.

Contemptuous, yup. Bitter. Disgusted. All of the above. This shouldn't be what life is like and I'm too exhausted to keep pushing through.

 

[Linda]

Sorry to hear that. I understand why you feel that ctb is an attractive option. I hope you find some peace.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

I tried fighting. For over 20 years, through mental, emotional, and physical pain, and I've only fallen more and more.

same, i've tried everything you're supposed to do to be 'better'/'recover', to no avail. my life always just keeps devolving, w no reprieve. i don't need any more proof that i wasn't meant to be a person

i'm fully settled in to my contempt. like ik i exhausted all options, & can now 100% say that life isn't for me. no1 will be able to scoff & say we didn't try

 

[melons0da]

I think this is a feeling i can relate to a lot.

Idk if it stems from the same place as you have mentioned but i hold a lot of anger towards how life has been set up, not only towards ppl who hold beliefs that are shitty and end up hurting others because of them, but also the systems in society that made those people believe and act in those ways in the first place. **Please skip to end for tldr bc i realised i went on a rant oof**

The basis for anyone to live in society rn is to have money or some object that holds material value (in most cases, the bodies themselves) and in order to even exist, you have to supply your work and labor for a product that you usually have no say over and are in most cases, completely detached from.

Not only that, this isolation from the complete view of the process and the resources that go into producing these outcomes which hold value in this kind of capitalist society messes with our understanding of consumption and the full effects our actions have on our environment.

I see people around me (some I hold dear to me and some i don't as much) doing so much consumption, chosen ignorance, and straight up while being able to tolerate the inconsistency in their actions and words is irritating at best (i can also see it in myself sometimes so double whammy and double the pissed-off frequency)

even now, i constantly see this kind of thing on social media and current affairs. the systems designed by dudes who just wanted a better life and it got twisted and ruined by the power/money hungry ppl along the way which birthed these events/ lifestyles (bro don't even get me started on this)

i try to offset it as much as possible by trying to help ppl in my area and aid/fundraising/awareness related orgs but there's only so much that can be done about before i repeat the cycle of disgust and disappointment.

(this was initially gonna be way longer but i realised that i was yapping way too much so i just cut myself off after this)

tldr: i get annoyed too bc i reckon it's bs that external things can cause me to choose to end my life voluntarily, kinda like a "why tf are other people's bad and selfish choices affecting me when i could have just been a happy-monke-with-found-family type beat?

maybe i'm having a bad take but i'm just tryna shake off some of the frustration thats built up recently. lmk if it's hitting anywhere close to what you intially talked about here??

So utterly frustrated at the world and the powers that be that you should have a had a life and brain that could be content if not happy? Just utterly done with everyone else and their petty frustrations? Just me?

 

[Relic]

View attachment NCC_02.mp4

I was something like that until 2016 or so. Mainly because of inescapable chronic pain and accompanying nausea.
Now almost every pill I take during the day is some sort of chill pill, and for some brief moments I get to feel what it's like to be a normal human being. A forgotten feeling since I was eleven. It's all chemically induced and synthetic and it has its price but I don't care. As far as grieving my own death goes, yes, in the context of those left behind. There doesn't have to be more tragedy than there already is.

 

[F@#$]

Yeah, I get fuckin irate at the drop of a hat. Never used to be this way.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, I don't get angry or grieve over my own death or get frustrated that my life could have been better but isn't. I mean, I did get frustrated that my life wasn't better during childhood but, now, I don't care about any type of life that I have. I think that, no matter what type of life that I have, it would still be better for me to never have been born in the first place. Though I don't think that you are alone in getting frustrated over your life not being better as many suicidal people seem like that

 

[Weinerwinner]

I'm the same. Was a lot worse when I wasn't on my medication though.

 

[murderatruemorgue]

I think this is a feeling i can relate to a lot.

Idk if it stems from the same place as you have mentioned but i hold a lot of anger towards how life has been set up, not only towards ppl who hold beliefs that are shitty and end up hurting others because of them, but also the systems in society that made those people believe and act in those ways in the first place. **Please skip to end for tldr bc i realised i went on a rant oof**

The basis for anyone to live in society rn is to have money or some object that holds material value (in most cases, the bodies themselves) and in order to even exist, you have to supply your work and labor for a product that you usually have no say over and are in most cases, completely detached from.

Not only that, this isolation from the complete view of the process and the resources that go into producing these outcomes which hold value in this kind of capitalist society messes with our understanding of consumption and the full effects our actions have on our environment.

I see people around me (some I hold dear to me and some i don't as much) doing so much consumption, chosen ignorance, and straight up while being able to tolerate the inconsistency in their actions and words is irritating at best (i can also see it in myself sometimes so double whammy and double the pissed-off frequency)

even now, i constantly see this kind of thing on social media and current affairs. the systems designed by dudes who just wanted a better life and it got twisted and ruined by the power/money hungry ppl along the way which birthed these events/ lifestyles (bro don't even get me started on this)

i try to offset it as much as possible by trying to help ppl in my area and aid/fundraising/awareness related orgs but there's only so much that can be done about before i repeat the cycle of disgust and disappointment.

(this was initially gonna be way longer but i realised that i was yapping way too much so i just cut myself off after this)

tldr: i get annoyed too bc i reckon it's bs that external things can cause me to choose to end my life voluntarily, kinda like a "why tf are other people's bad and selfish choices affecting me when i could have just been a happy-monke-with-found-family type beat?

maybe i'm having a bad take but i'm just tryna shake off some of the frustration thats built up recently. lmk if it's hitting anywhere close to what you intially talked about here??

I really relate to this. I don't think there's any facet of my life where I am just utterly done, and an unfortunate amount of it would be less strenuous and hopeless if we had better support systems in our society.

Going from having mental health issues to still having mental health issues but also having debilitating chronic illness and pain, you learn pretty quick how people decide the value of others. Spoiler: for many people if you aren't working or otherwise 'contributing to society' you have no inherent value.

I was a workaholic who found my worth in what I could create, and now I'm someone who has had to spend days if not weeks in bed incredibly sick (with no end date to the suffering beyond death.) Been to so many specialists, run so many tests, tried so many treatments—nothing. Not even getting into the irony of ableism in the medical industry, even if you're not specifically talking about insurance which is also a racket.

Even socially, every conversation is a minefield. From the get go, most people will ask the question of 'what do you do?/where do you work?' and they make immediate judgement calls of your value and worth depending on your answer.

And while there was no historical period where ALL the things were better, there were times where income inequality and toxic productivity weren't as inherent and on steroids as it is now (unfortunately OTHER types of equality didn't necessarily also follow.)

It gets to be too much, and it's not something I have the option to ignore anymore.

 

[melons0da]

mental health issues but also having debilitating chronic illness and pain

oh damn man, that does not sound like a walk in the park, I hope that despite everything, you can still find people who don't judge your worth based on what you can do, but what relationship you guys have. While I don't have a chronic illness or condition that physically stops me from doing things, I've seen enough to know how ass people can be to others who don't have the exact same lifestyle as them. It always leaves a bad taste in my mouth in not just their

Not even getting into the irony of ableism in the medical industry,

funny thing is that this kind of stuff is exactly what people going into the industry are now being taught, but some don't care and don't even consider it a 'valuable' part of their education, i constantly hear them say its just a bludge subject which makes me a bit upset with them since I treasure them but.... if i can put it in words, its like a disapproval that just sits in my head when I meet up or interact with them? Not saying that i'm not liable to also beign ableist in interactions, but at least I try my best to integrate this kinda information into the way I approach things??????? (idk man, also not in medical industry but I know people who are part of it)

honestly, imma just hope that a different demographic of people is going to become the majority of people within the medical field in the future (personality and value-related type demographic i mean). Feeling a bit tired of the constant undermining and discrimination schtick (especially with medical professionals)

Been to so many specialists, run so many tests, tried so many treatments—nothing.

if it would be alright with you, can I ask what kinda stuff you have to deal with? (feel free to not respond to this if you don't want to)

insurance

'what do you do?/where do you work?'

makes me cringe every time, especially with relatives from my side or my partners side. Don't understand why they assume they have any authority in my life by association but even though I'm currently following their ideal of uni education, talking about what I do instantly turns them off (to say in a casual way). Any value seen in me hits rock-bottom except for the fact that I can still get married and have kids (uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeh idk about that one). Can't imagine the things you would have to hear and go through knowing your situation generally

there were times where income inequality and toxic productivity weren't as inherent and on steroids as it is now (unfortunately OTHER types of equality didn't necessarily also follow.)

wouldn't that be nice now

it's not something I have the option to ignore anymore.

:( wishing for you to find something that you can enjoy in your day, even something as small as good weather, a good convo, maybe some good eats and good times man.