And it's still here

[The Great Below]

I've gotten no tasks done basically no tasks done and I still have so much to do and I still haven't left for the store and I am just crying I don't know how I'm going to leave I don't know how I'm ever going to drive this car it feels like a death sentence but an unkind death sentence that I don't even get the pleasure of peace from dying I just want to feel the peace but all I feel is the overload of tests as the day gets shorter and the list stays the same but I just wish I could die I wish it could be over I just answer my heart all the time this want to die because I'm so lonely I know it wouldn't matter if I died not really it wouldn't convenience everyone but my absence would mean nothing truly because I have no love I have no emotional bond that even with my kids they're still stuck in their phones I don't spend any time with them they have such a malicious relationship with me or they use my kindness against me and it causes me a great deal of emotional distress and I'm always working on in therapy I just wish it would go away I don't know how I'm going to drive I'm so fearful I just want to get up and do these tasks I'm in so much physical pain I am really not looking to taking off my clothes and showering I haven't changed my clothes since Friday and I'm so scared to take off my clothes I don't want to I don't want more to change in my life I'm so scared I have therapy tomorrow but I don't feel it will do anything I had therapy Saturday it's just so repetitive having therapy three times a week there's just so much suffering in my heart and nothing can change because of my living situation I just wish I could have love I wish I could have peace I wish I could die I wish I could die I wish I had died already I'm worn in the death of that I could have had I miss it so much the opportunity I have lost