Analyzing my anxieties about ctb

[Rue89]

I'm kind of nervous about posting this, I guess about the reactions to it, but I feel like I really should.

I've been thinking about why I didn't go through with ctb this past weekend. Everyone thinks it's because I'm not ready to ctb and rereading my updates on my thread I can see why. I wish I'd explained more of what was going on in my head at the time. I accept the possibility that I'm not ready, but I don't think that's why. I believe I'm at peace with death, but I wasn't totally at peace with the dying process and SN. If I'm really not ready to ctb there's absolutely no way I could force myself to do it, so that's not a concern.

I'm not trying to convince you. I'm just talking it out for myself, exploring every worry, the reasons behind it, and possible solutions to get over it. I realize that at least some of these are probably stupid so please don't make fun of me for it. I do welcome feedback and advice though.

Propranolol: Honestly this was one of the things making me anxious the other night. I didn't get as far as taking it. Maybe stupid, but here's why. I've only ever tried taking 20mg and I'm nervous to try more. Before I tried it of course I used a drug interaction checker to see if it was alright to take with my prescription medications. It said there is a moderate interaction, that paroxetine increases propranolol's effectiveness, but it could possibly be taken together with a likely dose adjustment.
So I tried 20mg and when I reported my results here on SS (dropped 16 bpm) I was informed that that's pretty extreme, so I looked at a bunch more drug interaction checkers for propranolol and paroxetine. The rest of the interaction checkers said it has a serious interaction, not recommended together, but possible. I had no adverse effects when I tried it other than the increased bpm drop.

I'm sure I'll need more than 20mg for SN, and I'm not even sure if the 40mg I had planned to take would be enough for SN. I'm not exactly sure how to get over this fear, other than to remind myself that any possible discomfort from it like too slow heart rate will be for a short time, and it will make my ctb more comfortable after drinking the SN. I just wish I knew for sure how much is okay to take and how much is too much. Part of me kind of wishes that I hadn't found out about the interaction, but I suppose it's probably for the best. Tachycardia makes me more anxious than propranolol, so I need to figure this out.

Tachycardia: Since learning about SN last year this has been one of my biggest worries. I'm not sure why I'm still so worried about it. I suppose I'm afraid that I won't take enough propranolol to stop it. I guess I just need to figure out my right dose and remind myself that there's no reason that it shouldn't work.

Feeling dizzy: Another one that I've been really afraid of. I've experienced it before and it's a scary feeling, but now I started thinking about why exactly it was scary. I thought about all the times it's happened and I realized that they were all in places with other people around to witness it if I did pass out. Twice people did have to intervene or I would've passed out. Now thinking about it, the dizzy feeling itself wasn't that scary because I knew exactly why it was happening. It was uncomfortable but not terrible. It was more the embarrassment of people knowing and worrying, and all the attention being on me. With SN I'll know exactly why it's happening, and I'll be alone so there's no reason that I should be afraid.

Vomiting: Not one of the top things I'm worried about, but it's somewhat of a concern. I just need to remind myself that I won't fail because I vomit. Almost everyone vomits, and they still succeed. It's unpleasant, but not the worst thing.

Stomach pain/burning: Some people have reported this, and I'm nervous because I don't do well with stomach pain. I just need to remind myself that most people don't mention this so it doesn't seem to be a common thing.

Burning throat: This is a moderate concern, not on the top of my list, but also isn't nothing. I'll be using orajel mouth numbing gel on my tongue to hopefully help with the taste. Maybe it'll numb my throat too.

Headache: I don't do as well with headaches anymore. I used to get them all the time, but not often now. Not a huge concern, but it is somewhat. Hopefully the acetaminophen prevents it.


Anxiety is a bitch. It makes both living and dying difficult. Fuck I hope that these things is all that's stopping me because these I believe I can get over. I wish I'd done this going through each thing a long time ago, and maybe I'd be gone by now. So yeah sorry, I probably sound really stupid worrying about this stuff.

 

[motel rooms]

Anxiety is a bitch. It makes both living and dying difficult. Fuck I hope that these things is all that's stopping me because these I believe I can get over. I wish I'd done this going through each thing a long time ago, and maybe I'd be gone by now.

You might not realize it, but it all comes down to SI. That bitch is the main problem, everything else is secondary...

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/fearlessness-suicide.66173/

 

[stygal]

I feel you with those concerns.
I'm just as anxious especially about having to go through stomach pain and vomiting (my stomach is super sensitive and fucked up after years of anorexia).
The only thing that helps me is to rationally look at it that way:
Either go through half an hour of mild to extreme discomfort or having to live the rest of my life uncomfortably.
But to ease my anxiety I will take a bunch of xanax and hopefully that will instantly make me calm and sleepy.
Otherwise I'll be a nervous wreck.

 

[WornOutLife]

I've said and say it again:

Whatever happens, whatever you decide, I wish you nothing but lots of love and peace.

None of us deserves to suffer in this goddamn world.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[oned1saster]

Hello Rue! How are you today? I hope you're feeling a little less anxious than before.
Don't be sorry or ashamed. You have some reasonable worries to get through and honestly, thinking about the pain makes me really nervous too. I think it's the survival instinct kicking in? The adrenaline? This is not an easy thing to do.
Regardless of your decision, I hope you can feel happy and peaceful about it. I'm here if you need someone to talk to!

 

[Rue89]

Hello Rue! How are you today? I hope you're feeling a little less anxious than before.
Don't be sorry or ashamed. You have some reasonable worries to get through and honestly, thinking about the pain makes me really nervous too. I think it's the survival instinct kicking in? The adrenaline? This is not an easy thing to do.
Regardless of your decision, I hope you can feel happy and peaceful about it. I'm here if you need someone to talk to!

I think I'm feeling better about this stuff. I still have the usual anxiety over nothing. I doubt anything will change that.
I think it's part SI and part fear of pain, which I suppose in a way is another type of SI. I've never done well with pain, and I think that probably has a lot to do with past experiences. I've suffered too much physical pain, and now I can't stand any more and do all I can to avoid it. I guess maybe I'm just weak that I'd let it hold me back even somewhat. What's a little more pain and discomfort when I'll be ending it for good? I guess I need to try to get into that mindset.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know how you feel, I have made peace with death and find it calming, the thought of not being alive, but the ctb process also gives me anxiety and our SI can kick in. I hope all goes well for you and you get the ending you want when the time is right.

 

[oned1saster]

I think I'm feeling better about this stuff. I still have the usual anxiety over nothing. I doubt anything will change that.
I think it's part SI and part fear of pain, which I suppose in a way is another type of SI. I've never done well with pain, and I think that probably has a lot to do with past experiences. I've suffered too much physical pain, and now I can't stand any more and do all I can to avoid it. I guess maybe I'm just weak that I'd let it hold me back even somewhat. What's a little more pain and discomfort when I'll be ending it for good? I guess I need to try to get into that mindset.

Yes, SI is a very hard thing to overcome. I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with pain, that's completely understandable. Also, your body is reacting too, due all the past trauma, so it adds up the self-preservation feeling, right?
I just finished this amazing video from another post right here on the forum and it talks exactly about this, apparently fearlessness is the "final key" in most suicidal cases. I just hope you know that you're not weak at all, we definitely shouldn't do anything we might fear or regret.