An unfortunate encounter and a positive session

[Sensei]

I feel that I complain very much, although usually rightfully so. I'm here for a reason, after all. In contrast, I'd like to share an interesting and mostly positive experience I had the other day. There's no one else I can talk to about this, so I have to share it here. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Anyways, I had been given an appointment with my so-called contact person, i.e. a psychiatric nurse, not a counsellor or psychiatrist. To be honest, I have more confidence in him than in any counsellors or psychiatrists I've met, although they haven't been bad. He's so compassionate, caring, and understanding that I almost see him as a friend. (Yes, that's really pathetic, but that's how it feels.)

First of all, when I arrived, it turned out that I had some kind of "free pass" (I don't know the proper English term) so I didn't have to pay the usual €25. Maybe not a big deal, but my private economy is wobbly, so it made me very happy.

I had to wait for a while because my contact person evidently had to deal with some acute case, but I had all the time in the world; I'm a teacher and Christmas break has started. When he eventually collected me in the waiting room, there was a little incident. I totally unexpectedly met an acquaintance in the corridor. She was looking at her phone but when I, the ever-impulsive, bipolar fool, said hello and smiled, she smiled back and said hello too. However, I got the distinct impression that she had hoped that I wouldn't have noticed her and that she was embarrassed. There wasn't really any time to stop and chat, and the idea never struck me anyway.

I think I know what her issues might be, but she can't possibly know mine. She's a semi-public figure and I think it would be embarrassing for her if people knew that she gets psychotherapy. Something that might complicate matters is that we met at an event a couple of weeks ago and it was indicated that she might have a romantic interest in me. If it's true (I'm really bad at reading such signs, one of a dozen of reasons I'll stay single until I die, and something which really makes me feel like a failure) it's not mutual. My point is that this might have made this encounter more embarrassing for her than it had to be.

Now I need some honest advice. Once again being the impulsive, bipolar fool, I want to contact her and explain that I have no interest in letting anyone else know about this. We live in the same city, but I see her very rarely. I can contact her via Messenger, though. I have no problem telling her that I'm bipolar. Let's say it was you I met in the corridor. Would you have preferred that I contacted you, downplayed the whole thing, and reassured you that it will stay between you and me? Or would you simply have preferred that I didn't contact you so we could forget about the whole thing and move on? (If she's a member of this forum, I won't start believing in God, but definitely in the Devil.)

As for the actual session, it was a very positive experience which saved my day. I usually don't discuss my suicidal impulses in detail with my contact person as it tends to make him nervous. I don't blame him. If would have worked in psychiatric care, I wouldn't want to lose a patient either. This time I was tired of holding back and told him (almost) the whole truth: that I have to fight strong suicidal impulses every day during depressive episodes, that I made two suicide attempts during the last one, that I had to seek acute help when I almost threw myself under a truck during a mixed episode, that I took potentially lethal doses so that I could relax in the "twilight zone" in the aftermath of my last depressive episode, and so on. My contact person frowned and was clearly not happy about it, but to my delight he accepted it and didn't make a fuss. Instead, he focused on what do to when I become suicidal and how to avoid more attempts.

Then he started talking about group therapy and psychoeducation. (Ordinary psychotherapy has limited to no effect when you're bipolar, or schizophrenic for that matter.) When I hesitated he was very candid and said that I'm already so well read up on my disorder that it probably would be pointless for me to participate. Pathetically enough, this made me very happy as if I were a little boy who got praise from his teacher. In retrospect, I should probably have accepted the offer, though. The thing is that I don't know any bipolar folks in my city and it would've been nice to have someone to discuss mutual problems with over a cup of coffee. I could certainly need a couple of new friends too. Well, I'm an expert on making impulsive and detrimental decisions.

Then we had to decide on a treatment plan (again, I don't know the proper English term) for me, typical and unnecessary New Public Management documentation, which I have to deal with in my line of work too. Believe it not, but we decided on this: when I get a depressive episode, I'll self-medicate with stronger doses and discuss my problems in the "suicide forum" (I didn't give him any more details than that, and he didn't ask for any), and if this doesn't work and I get outright suicidal, I contact psychiatric care. A prerequisite for this was that I had to promise to contact them if I'm losing it, and I'll make an honest effort to keep my promise. We also had a very candid discussion about me contacting them. He always says that I must contact them when I'm suicidal, but I pointed out that I can't call them every day, and he agreed.

For the first in many years or possibly ever, I left the session in a good mood and didn't feel anxious and depressed as I usually do. I very much needed that.

 

[Dawgmom]

I wouldn't contact her. I would say the best thing to do to convey you've already forgotten the encounter and have no intention of spreading gossip is to demonstrate it. Just let it go. Because one thing I've come to realize is that often times things matter more to us than others.

As far as the possible interest on her part, I'd leave that alone, as well. If this or the encounter is something that concerns her, she'll find you and address it, don't you think? Maybe try to be patient and wait until you have something more than assumptions and possibilities to go on.

 

[Sensei]

I wouldn't contact her. I would say the best thing to do to convey you've already forgotten the encounter and have no intention of spreading gossip is to demonstrate it. Just let it go. Because one thing I've come to realize is that often times things matter more to us than others.

Sounds reasonable. I can of course not be 100 % certain, but I don't think she's "one of us".

As far as the possible interest on her part, I'd leave that alone, as well. If this or the encounter is something that concerns her, she'll find you and address it, don't you think? Maybe try to be patient and wait until you have something more than assumptions and possibilities to go on.

Now I get a little bit confused. As I said, if there's any interest, it's not mutual. It's not really the issue here either. Or maybe I mistunderstand you?

 

[EmptyArms]

Hi sensei.
I wouldn't contact her simply because its for her to make sense of her social interactions and to come to terms with her worries about being recognised or people possibly knowing that she is in psychotherapy. Who knows what her processes are or what realisations she is making.
Secondly I'm so pleased to hear that your unusually frank conversation with your psychiatric nurse has resulted not only in a treatment plan that might be workable and even supportive to you, but that the more open and honest experience seems to have strengthened your trust in your pn and lifted your spirits somewhat.
I agree re the psyched group, you might benefit from the social interaction with like minded folk more than the actual education. You could perhaps ring your pn back and say..changed my mind!
A good day for you . Congratulations.

 

[Sensei]

I wouldn't contact her simply because its for her to make sense of her social interactions and to come to terms with her worries about being recognised or people possibly knowing that she is in psychotherapy. Who knows what her processes are or what realisations she is making.

True. I shan't contact her.

Secondly I'm so pleased to hear that your unusually frank conversation with your psychiatric nurse has resulted not only in a treatment plan that might be workable and even supportive to you, but that the more open and honest experience seems to have strengthened your trust in your pn and lifted your spirits somewhat.

Thank you. Yes, it felt good to be open and honest. I wonder why it took me so long.

(Is NP nurse practioner? I couldn't find the word. It's bloody difficult to figure out the correct medical terms in foreing languages.)

I agree re the psyched group, you might benefit from the social interaction with like minded folk more than the actual education. You could perhaps ring your pn back and say..changed my mind!

That's a good idea! I'll definitely ponder upon it. It suddenly struck me that I might meet someone I know from before in such a group. Well, that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing.

 

[EmptyArms]

Sorry -
PN = psychiatric nurse.
You're doing ok with this foreign language! Better than alot of natives!

 

[Dawgmom]

Sounds reasonable. I can of course not be 100 % certain, but I don't think she's "one of us".



Now I get a little bit confused. As I said, if there's any interest, it's not mutual. It's not really the issue here either. Or maybe I mistunderstand you?

I took that to mean you think she's interested in you but you're not in her. If so, I meant don't approach her about it. If she eventually tells you, then share that you're not. Otherwise, if it's you who has the feelings for her and already know she's not interested then again, there's no point in approaching her.

 

[Sensei]

I took that to mean you think she's interested in you but you're not in her. If so, I meant don't approach her about it. If she eventually tells you, then share that you're not. Otherwise, if it's you who has the feelings for her and already know she's not interested then again, there's no point in approaching her.

Alright, then I understand what you mean. I wasn't thinking of discussing any possible attraction, only that we happened to meet there and that she doesn't need to worry about it. Mental illness is not something you want to show the world because of all the prejudice that surrounds it.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

That was a joy to read and it actually made me laugh a few times. I love how your contact person agreed with you discussing your problems in 'the suicide forum' :-) Seems like a sensible person to me.

Are you a schoolteacher? What subjects do you teach?

 

[Sensei]

That was a joy to read and it actually made me laugh a few times. I love how your contact person agreed with you discussing your problems in 'the suicide forum' :-) Seems like a sensible person to me.

Yes, he's a good guy. He really cares about his patients, and you can't put a price on that. I think that since this disorder is so difficult to treat, they are prepared to accept any method that works, including a "suicide forum". :)

Are you a schoolteacher? What subjects do you teach?

Yes, I'm an upper secondary school/senioir high school teacher. My subjects are English and my native language. I actually appreciate if people point out errors in my posts so that I can learn and get better at English. I may not last much longer, but I intend to be a good English teacher until the very end. ;)

 

[LittleJem]

hehehe. I was a very bad English teacher for a while in a secondary school. Highlights - teaching Catch 22, cos I actually got to read it. And one student who said she stuck at her A-Levels because of me. but I am shit at lesson planning nad structure and classroom management etc... So don't do it anymore! I'd have stuck with it if I was good at it.

I'm pleased you've got a plan for if things get tough again.

 

[Sensei]

hehehe. I was a very bad English teacher for a while in a secondary school. Highlights - teaching Catch 22, cos I actually got to read it. And one student who said she stuck at her A-Levels because of me. but I am shit at lesson planning nad structure and classroom management etc... So don't do it anymore! I'd have stuck with it if I was good at it.

Ah, a fellow professional! There are actually a couple of other teachers here too. I wonder what it is with this profession that makes us suicidal? :D But seriously, my job is one of the few things which keep me here. Well, you do sound like a bad teacher. :P To be honest, I'm rather sloppy with formalities and I often do my preparations at the last moment. Somehow, I get away with it.

I'm pleased you've got a plan for if things get tough again.

Thank you. It is what it is. In the end, it's difficult if not even impossible to prepare for depressive episodes as they kick in so quickly and violently.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

@Sensei, your English is excellent!
As painful as your disorder is, it can lead to creativity in the classroom, and strong empathy for those with unique learning styles.
Please be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you bring so much to this site.
If you bring half as much to your classroom, then you are making a difference.
Peace and kindness to you,
L

 

[Sensei]

@Sensei, your English is excellent!
As painful as your disorder is, it can lead to creativity in the classroom, and strong empathy for those with unique learning styles.
Please be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you bring so much to this site.
If you bring half as much to your classroom, then you are making a difference.
Peace and kindness to you,
L

Thank you, that's so kind! Saved my day. You should know that you bring happiness and reason to this forum. Kudos to you.