An unfamiliar thought

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Yesterday, I was in my bathroom and my husband had left a grooming kit open. I saw what I thought was an exposed blade and my mind was suddenly flooded with images of me using it to hurt myself. I picked it up, and it wasn't in fact a blade, but just looked like one. (I still don't know what it is.)

I haven't really had a thought like that in quite some time — probably not since adolescence. I was surprised by how quickly the sight of what I thought was a blade triggered images of self-harm and death. I've had my method planned for months now. I would never try to cut myself to death, or even as a cry for help or as a coping mechanism. Yet, the thought was inescapable.

I don't think there's really a question here. I just felt compelled to share this. Maybe others have experienced something similar? Perhaps my mind has become preoccupied with death and taking my own life is all I can think about. A co-worker shared a story with me about one of her customers who tried to take his life by jumping off a parking ramp downtown. My first thought was, "That's not nearly high enough." That's not exactly the empathetic response one would expect of me.

 

[SipSop]

Yesterday, I was in my bathroom and my husband had left a grooming kit open. I saw what I thought was an exposed blade and my mind was suddenly flooded with images of me using it to hurt myself. I picked it up, and it wasn't in fact a blade, but just looked like one. (I still don't know what it is.)

I haven't really had a thought like that in quite some time — probably not since adolescence. I was surprised by how quickly the sight of what I thought was a blade triggered images of self-harm and death. I've had my method planned for months now. I would never try to cut myself to death, or even as a cry for help or as a coping mechanism. Yet, the thought was inescapable.

I don't think there's really a question here. I just felt compelled to share this. Maybe others have experienced something similar? Perhaps my mind has become preoccupied with death and taking my own life is all I can think about. A co-worker shared a story with me about one of her customers who tried to take his life by jumping off a parking ramp downtown. My first thought was, "That's not nearly high enough." That's not exactly the empathetic response one would expect of me.

You are changing. And that is fine.
You have now other interests than most people. They have death widhes for themselves too, but they supress it out of fear. For us is normal now. That's why most of us on thi website are educated enough to take in account the fact that suicide doesn't always have a 100% success rate. And preparations and study must be made if you really want to go.
This suicide path is as normal as any other. What is normal should not be decided by the majority of people. But by the individual. You just have more knowledge about this matter than others. That's it.

 

[Cherrypea]

Idk, I think things like that all the time. When I'm walking the dog and its windy I imagine a tree falling on me, when she swims in the river I imagine her getting into trouble and me drowning trying to save her. My partner left a Stanley knife in the kitchen recently and I was drawn to it in much the same way you were to the blade. I walk down the stairs and wonder if I'll slip and break my neck. Whenever I hear of a suicide I'm insanely jealous but pleased for them, and I'm just eye rolly about attempts that were clearly not going to work. Is this not normal then?!

 

[foxdie]

Yesterday, I was in my bathroom and my husband had left a grooming kit open. I saw what I thought was an exposed blade and my mind was suddenly flooded with images of me using it to hurt myself. I picked it up, and it wasn't in fact a blade, but just looked like one. (I still don't know what it is.)

I haven't really had a thought like that in quite some time — probably not since adolescence. I was surprised by how quickly the sight of what I thought was a blade triggered images of self-harm and death. I've had my method planned for months now. I would never try to cut myself to death, or even as a cry for help or as a coping mechanism. Yet, the thought was inescapable.

I don't think there's really a question here. I just felt compelled to share this. Maybe others have experienced something similar? Perhaps my mind has become preoccupied with death and taking my own life is all I can think about. A co-worker shared a story with me about one of her customers who tried to take his life by jumping off a parking ramp downtown. My first thought was, "That's not nearly high enough." That's not exactly the empathetic response one would expect of me.

I would have the same reaction, not nearly high enough. I've had thoughts of self harm lately too, like bashing my head on a wall. I haven't given in but you're not alone mon ami, those thoughts are terrible.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

I had those episodes too... Many many times, to the point it became usual. Am I in a car? All of a sudden I start to wonder of me jumping out. I see a truck driving by? I start thinking of jumping in front of it. Did I picked up a knife from the kitchen? I imagine myself stabbing myself with it.

And just like that in many many situations, I just need 5 secs of not thinking on anything and my mind starts creating a extreme event near me like a shooting or a robbery; and start wondering what would I do, what should others do and all that stuff...

I cant remember how many times I got carried away my thoughts of me being robbed in my own house. There's not a single day I don't imagine that at least once.

It's even worse at night, those thoughts become even more twisted.
But now I'm used to those.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Yesterday, I was in my bathroom and my husband had left a grooming kit open. I saw what I thought was an exposed blade and my mind was suddenly flooded with images of me using it to hurt myself. I picked it up, and it wasn't in fact a blade, but just looked like one. (I still don't know what it is.)

I haven't really had a thought like that in quite some time — probably not since adolescence. I was surprised by how quickly the sight of what I thought was a blade triggered images of self-harm and death. I've had my method planned for months now. I would never try to cut myself to death, or even as a cry for help or as a coping mechanism. Yet, the thought was inescapable.

I don't think there's really a question here. I just felt compelled to share this. Maybe others have experienced something similar? Perhaps my mind has become preoccupied with death and taking my own life is all I can think about. A co-worker shared a story with me about one of her customers who tried to take his life by jumping off a parking ramp downtown. My first thought was, "That's not nearly high enough." That's not exactly the empathetic response one would expect of me.

Okay I can so relate to all of this. Even the part with your coworker. It's horrible because I work with suicidal people daily, yet I still think "Damn they must have been desperate/in a lot of pain because ___ wouldn't really do much."

I understand the cutting thing too. I still get stupid thoughts of slitting my wrists, even know I know it would only cause nerve damage and not actually kill me. And...damn, the self harm urges are strong. Holy shit.

 

[Ghost2211]

I get thoughts like that too. They don't usually mean intention, for me at least. I had to wear a heart monitor for a couple days, and my thought was " it would be fun to ctb with this and watch the readings".

 

[BPD Barbie]

I get a lot of intrusive thoughts about hurting myself, usually when driving or doing something mundane like cutting bread and I get the overwhelming urge to stab myself in the stomach.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It helps me feel a little bit... well, normal... if that's a thing.