Hi. I've been lurking for a little while now and just recently registered. I get pretty anxious posting online so this may be my only post. Hopefully though I'm able to make my account into what is basically a public diary for me. A place where I share my heart and mind with less risk and more support.
I'm a 21 year-old transguy diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. These are from when I was 13 and I think they're wrong. I have a long family history of bipolar and schizophrenia. Obviously I cannot diagnose myself, but I heavily experience symptoms of both of these and believe a doctor would be willing to diagnose me if I wanted.
At 16, I made my first and so far only attempt. I had been on a specific antidepressant that had only been making things worse. A week or so before my birthday, I told my family that I hit low really hard and almost tried to OD. Apparently, the medication wasn't nearly enough to kill me, so my own mother laughed at me. They did nothing to help me or try to stop me. The night of my birthday, I took a full bottle of my antidepressant and sleep medications. I got scared of dying alone and went to my older sister in hopes she would stay with me. I apologized to her because I knew it would hurt her. She ended up telling my parents and calling for an ambulance. I was put into the hospital for 2 weeks. I lied to get out, but didn't attempt again.
At 19, I experienced the worst fear I've ever known. I became delusional and was convinced I was being stalked for nearly 5 months. I was hearing things that weren't real, feeling things that weren't there, and at multiple points saw things that didn't exist. One night I was attack by a being that just wasn't real. I couldn't leave my home, if I was alone I just stood in the middle of my house with a weapon. I boarded up the window of my bedroom and blocked off the closet, at night I blocked the door, but even then I couldn't sleep. Every now and then I slip back into this mindset and terror, but I haven't experienced it nearly as bad or for as long since.
The last few years of my life have been filled with extreme ups and downs. Times where I can only think of ending my life to times where I believe I'm a divine creature and nothing can touch me to times of complete and paralyzing horror from threats that only exist in my head. I can't take it. It's exhausted me. I never even planned on living this long. When I was just a kid, 8-10 years old, I knew I wouldn't live long.
So, at the beginning of this year, I made the decision to take my life. I have a list I'd like to complete before hand. Dumb things mostly, like finish my sketchbooks or organize my playlists. One thing is to spend more time with those I love and make memories with them. I think at first maybe it was to convince myself to live. Just to keep me alive awhile longer. But I noticed that the only reason I've been able to enjoy my life recently is because I know it's ending.
I plan to go on my coming birthday. Enough time to do some of my list and make memories with everyone. I want to go somewhere beautiful and isolated to pass. I live in a state where that's not hard to find so at least that's easy. Hopefully, somewhere no one will find my body for awhile.
At first, I wanted to try ODing again or at least some kind of poison. But as time goes on I think I want it to be bloody or make my face unrecognizable. I thought slitting my wrists would be a good way to go. I'd likely chicken out of that one. Right now the plan is to steal a firearm from my sister or her boyfriend since I'm living with them and have easy access to them. I think that's my best choice.
I'd say this is long enough for now. I'm excited to share more about myself here, but I'll hold back on spam posting for now. Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post.
I'm a 21 year-old transguy diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. These are from when I was 13 and I think they're wrong. I have a long family history of bipolar and schizophrenia. Obviously I cannot diagnose myself, but I heavily experience symptoms of both of these and believe a doctor would be willing to diagnose me if I wanted.
At 16, I made my first and so far only attempt. I had been on a specific antidepressant that had only been making things worse. A week or so before my birthday, I told my family that I hit low really hard and almost tried to OD. Apparently, the medication wasn't nearly enough to kill me, so my own mother laughed at me. They did nothing to help me or try to stop me. The night of my birthday, I took a full bottle of my antidepressant and sleep medications. I got scared of dying alone and went to my older sister in hopes she would stay with me. I apologized to her because I knew it would hurt her. She ended up telling my parents and calling for an ambulance. I was put into the hospital for 2 weeks. I lied to get out, but didn't attempt again.
At 19, I experienced the worst fear I've ever known. I became delusional and was convinced I was being stalked for nearly 5 months. I was hearing things that weren't real, feeling things that weren't there, and at multiple points saw things that didn't exist. One night I was attack by a being that just wasn't real. I couldn't leave my home, if I was alone I just stood in the middle of my house with a weapon. I boarded up the window of my bedroom and blocked off the closet, at night I blocked the door, but even then I couldn't sleep. Every now and then I slip back into this mindset and terror, but I haven't experienced it nearly as bad or for as long since.
The last few years of my life have been filled with extreme ups and downs. Times where I can only think of ending my life to times where I believe I'm a divine creature and nothing can touch me to times of complete and paralyzing horror from threats that only exist in my head. I can't take it. It's exhausted me. I never even planned on living this long. When I was just a kid, 8-10 years old, I knew I wouldn't live long.
So, at the beginning of this year, I made the decision to take my life. I have a list I'd like to complete before hand. Dumb things mostly, like finish my sketchbooks or organize my playlists. One thing is to spend more time with those I love and make memories with them. I think at first maybe it was to convince myself to live. Just to keep me alive awhile longer. But I noticed that the only reason I've been able to enjoy my life recently is because I know it's ending.
I plan to go on my coming birthday. Enough time to do some of my list and make memories with everyone. I want to go somewhere beautiful and isolated to pass. I live in a state where that's not hard to find so at least that's easy. Hopefully, somewhere no one will find my body for awhile.
At first, I wanted to try ODing again or at least some kind of poison. But as time goes on I think I want it to be bloody or make my face unrecognizable. I thought slitting my wrists would be a good way to go. I'd likely chicken out of that one. Right now the plan is to steal a firearm from my sister or her boyfriend since I'm living with them and have easy access to them. I think that's my best choice.
I'd say this is long enough for now. I'm excited to share more about myself here, but I'll hold back on spam posting for now. Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post.
