Story An Introduction to myself

[Wait-Bus]

This is an introduction to me and my experience with suicidal thoughts.

My first attempt at suicide was a very long time ago.

When I was a teenager, I tied towels to a basement beam. I wraped it around my neck and then walked off a chair. I hanged for what felt like an eternaty but I am sure was no more than a few seconds. Realizing there was no way out, I told myself I had just committed sucide.

OF course I didn't. The knots broke and I found myself laying on the floor with a combined feeling of embarrassment and stupidity.

While I have not made any serious attempts since then, it has always stayed with me. There would be "someday" in the future that I will end my life. It felt like a fact and more than just a feeling.

In the past few months, the feelings have changed from "someday" to "soon." Not that I will walk out immediately and CTB, but that I need to properly plan for it. And that is what I have been doing. I have seleced the method either full suspension or partial, I have figured out where. I know how I will avoid family finding me. I have even spent time thinking about a suicide note that provides a little bit of an insight.

I have put together what I call my 'bus bag' the essential ingredients I have choosen - the rope, a door way pull up bar and some little extras I won't discuss. It comes along on trips with me and is basically ready to be used where ever I am spending a night.

I am not sure what the next stage will be. Will I wake up one day and just "now" and I walk out to CTB with my bus bag. That is all part of my current experience

I intend to read this forum a lot and contribute when I can.

Thanks for allowing me to be part of this

 

[brokensea]

Welcome to the group!

 

[adrienne]

This is an introduction to me and my experience with suicidal thoughts.

My first attempt at suicide was a very long time ago.

When I was a teenager, I tied towels to a basement beam. I wraped it around my neck and then walked off a chair. I hanged for what felt like an eternaty but I am sure was no more than a few seconds. Realizing there was no way out, I told myself I had just committed sucide.

OF course I didn't. The knots broke and I found myself laying on the floor with a combined feeling of embarrassment and stupidity.

While I have not made any serious attempts since then, it has always stayed with me. There would be "someday" in the future that I will end my life. It felt like a fact and more than just a feeling.

In the past few months, the feelings have changed from "someday" to "soon." Not that I will walk out immediately and CTB, but that I need to properly plan for it. And that is what I have been doing. I have seleced the method either full suspension or partial, I have figured out where. I know how I will avoid family finding me. I have even spent time thinking about a suicide note that provides a little bit of an insight.

I have put together what I call my 'bus bag' the essential ingredients I have choosen - the rope, a door way pull up bar and some little extras I won't discuss. It comes along on trips with me and is basically ready to be used where ever I am spending a night.

I am not sure what the next stage will be. Will I wake up one day and just "now" and I walk out to CTB with my bus bag. That is all part of my current experience

I intend to read this forum a lot and contribute when I can.

Thanks for allowing me to be part of this

Very nice to meet you! You certainly aren't alone. I struggled with depression and attempted suicide when I was younger, too. Depression is very numbing, you know? You get used to the pain and it's carried like a bunch of scars. Hidden pain that's hard to share because a lot of people around us don't get it. So we carry on hurting. Can I ask - are you close with your family? Have you let them know of the severity? In my early twenties I felt so disconnected from my family that I stopped communicating with them. For years. I'm asking because it might seem like nobody cares about you, but sometimes, they do. I was getting ready to attempt a couple years ago and my sister, despite being hours away, called for someone to check on me. We talked for hours about it later. Used to be I'd never open up. It's hard to, I know.
2) have you tried therapy or medications? And trust me, the commercialized cookie cutter world of happiness on a tv show scares you away from trying… but medications saved me some pain. They have cheap costing, over the phone sessions sometimes. It doesn't hurt to try if you haven't. It hurts me to know you carry a kit around. I can relate, it's awful. Horrible. If I could give you a big hug, I would. Don't hurt yourself. It hurts, I know. The pain… but there's a door to open for you, healing and happiness. I just scheduled a therapist/psychiatrist recently.

 

[makethepainstop]

Welcome, we are glad to have you. Here you can be yourself, people here are really nice.(From what I have experienced). You might even find things that would help you. Love and hugs.

 

[Wait-Bus]

Very nice to meet you! You certainly aren't alone. I struggled with depression and attempted suicide when I was younger, too. Depression is very numbing, you know? You get used to the pain and it's carried like a bunch of scars. Hidden pain that's hard to share because a lot of people around us don't get it. So we carry on hurting. Can I ask - are you close with your family? Have you let them know of the severity? In my early twenties I felt so disconnected from my family that I stopped communicating with them. For years. I'm asking because it might seem like nobody cares about you, but sometimes, they do. I was getting ready to attempt a couple years ago and my sister, despite being hours away, called for someone to check on me. We talked for hours about it later. Used to be I'd never open up. It's hard to, I know.
2) have you tried therapy or medications? And trust me, the commercialized cookie cutter world of happiness on a tv show scares you away from trying… but medications saved me some pain. They have cheap costing, over the phone sessions sometimes. It doesn't hurt to try if you haven't. It hurts me to know you carry a kit around. I can relate, it's awful. Horrible. If I could give you a big hug, I would. Don't hurt yourself. It hurts, I know. The pain… but there's a door to open for you, healing and happiness. I just scheduled a therapist/psychiatrist recently.

Thank you for your caring replay.

As for your question, I am close to my family. But its not something we have ever talked about. I would not be defined as being depressed but maybe I am and I don't know it - which of course sounds strange

Again thankyou

Welcome, we are glad to have you. Here you can be yourself, people here are really nice.(From what I have experienced). You might even find things that would help you. Love and hugs.

Thank you - I appreciate it

Welcome to the group!

Thank you

 

[adrienne]

Not strange really. That's the way it goes. You should try opening up and trying treatment. It isn't fair to just exist you know? Treatment= big difference most of the time. Nice to meet you and thank you for replying.

Not strange really. That's the way it goes. You should try opening up and trying treatment. It isn't fair to just exist you know? Treatment= big difference most of the time. Nice to meet you and thank you for replying.

You should join us in general chats. Cool people like you in there getting to know each other.

 

[Wait-Bus]

Not strange really. That's the way it goes. You should try opening up and trying treatment. It isn't fair to just exist you know? Treatment= big difference most of the time. Nice to meet you and thank you for replying.

You should join us in general chats. Cool people like you in there getting to know each other.

I am still learning about different sections of the forum. I didn't realize there was live chats. I am going to really dumb here - where is that general chat found.

 

[adrienne]

You go to the three lines on the top-left of the screen and towards the bottom of the tab it says "chat"

 

[Wait-Bus]

You go to the three lines on the top-left of the screen and towards the bottom of the tab it says "chat"

Thank you - Unfortanately, its not there
I did read later that it appears once I have been on site for a while with a certain level of interaction

 

[adrienne]

Oh. I'm a bit new too- sorry about that.

 

[Wait-Bus]

Oh. I'm a bit new too- sorry about that.

No worries - I appreciate the interaction :)

 

[adrienne]

I will tell you though, this is a dark place in some corners. In truth, nobody here knows you, and sometimes the wrong advice is given. Your post worries me. I don't want you to come here looking for the wrong answers on how to hurt yourself. People are cold and callous here. Teenagers have died here after not knowing how to deal with minor problems in their life, teenage stress you know? But still, some will bid farewell to you like it's a good thing, not knowing who you are. I want you to do well with your life. I want you to make the right decisions, but how can you if you're already struggling at that point? Idk, there are good threads here, I just thought I'd tell you…
Your family, your loved ones, they know you. They're realistic. Nobody here really is in bulk.

 

[freedompass]

I will tell you though, this is a dark place in some corners. In truth, nobody here knows you, and sometimes the wrong advice is given. Your post worries me. I don't want you to come here looking for the wrong answers on how to hurt yourself. People are cold and callous here. Teenagers have died here after not knowing how to deal with minor problems in their life, teenage stress you know? But still, some will bid farewell to you like it's a good thing, not knowing who you are. I want you to do well with your life. I want you to make the right decisions, but how can you if you're already struggling at that point? Idk, there are good threads here, I just thought I'd tell you…
Your family, your loved ones, they know you. They're realistic. Nobody here really is in bulk.

Teenagers have died here? The site is not responsible for what 'teenagers' decide to do. OP does not sound like a teenager, he or she described what happened when they were one. Sometimes family and 'loved ones' know us least of anyone. Others of us have no one. Just sayin.

 

[adrienne]

Teenagers have died here? The site is not responsible for what 'teenagers' decide to do. OP does not sound like a teenager, he or she described what happened when they were one. Sometimes family and 'loved ones' know us least of anyone. Others of us have no one. Just sayin.

Not trying to offend, just saying that it's happened here before. Although the site isn't "legally" responsible, it's something to keep in mind. Kids have come here and lied about their age and passed on. Yet still, been given a "best regards" for their passing. It's a carelessness that's dangerous. Anyway, even when our family isn't there for us (abuse, etc) there are better resources than this site alone. It shouldn't just end here, in other words. But I'll leave it at that

Teenagers have died here? The site is not responsible for what 'teenagers' decide to do. OP does not sound like a teenager, he or she described what happened when they were one. Sometimes family and 'loved ones' know us least of anyone. Others of us have no one. Just sayin.

Having no one…an environmental stressor that can be mended… I'm lgbt, I definitely get it. :) I'd rather take ya by the hand and take you home so you can belong and flourish. Sometimes, people freak out in a bad term of their life and jump. I'm not about that.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Welcome to Sasu. Your experience of attempting when you were younger is something I haven't experienced, but knowing that there's no going back sounds like it would be scary if you started having doubts at the last second, but couldn't do anything about it. I've been wondering for a while what it would be like to go through it myself, but it scares me to think about it.

Like you, I've known for many years that I would end my life "someday", but that distant moment in the future feels like it's just around the corner. Sometimes it's a comforting feeling, but other times it isn't. I don't know what the future holds for you, but I hope you make the best choice you possibly can for yourself, even though it's hard to know what that is sometimes. Hopefully we can both figure this out, because not knowing really sucks.

 

[freedompass]

Not trying to offend, just saying that it's happened here before. Although the site isn't "legally" responsible, it's something to keep in mind. Kids have come here and lied about their age and passed on. Yet still, been given a "best regards" for their passing. It's a carelessness that's dangerous. Anyway, even when our family isn't there for us (abuse, etc) there are better resources than this site alone. It shouldn't just end here, in other words. But I'll leave it at that

Having no one…an environmental stressor that can be mended… I'm lgbt, I definitely get it. :) I'd rather take ya by the hand and take you home so you can belong and flourish. Sometimes, people freak out in a bad term of their life and jump. I'm not about that.

I agree up to a point, about the carelessness. I don't tend to reply to those kinds of goodbye threads and have said myself that everyone who presents as 'suicidal' here should not receive unquestioning encouragement. It isn't my experience that people here are 'cold and callous' here though. Quite the opposite. It's one of the most compassionate places you could wish to find, on the whole. There are always gonna be exceptions. Being chronically depressed and suicidal for years could definitely take the edge off your ability to empathise with others. Anyway, if you have received unkindness here I'm sorry and I respect your viewpoint even if it's different to my own.

 

[adrienne]

I agree up to a point, about the carelessness. I don't tend to reply to those kinds of goodbye threads and have said myself that everyone who presents as 'suicidal' here should not receive unquestioning encouragement. It isn't my experience that people here are 'cold and callous' here though. Quite the opposite. It's one of the most compassionate places you could wish to find, on the whole. There are always gonna be exceptions. Being chronically depressed and suicidal for years could definitely take the edge off your ability to empathise with others. Anyway, if you have received unkindness here I'm sorry and I respect your viewpoint even if it's different to my own.

Oh, no, I meant the energy of the carelessness is cold and callous

Oh, no, I meant the energy of the carelessness is cold and callous

With a smile

 

[SexyIncél]

People are cold and callous here. [...] Your family, your loved ones, they know you. They're realistic. Nobody here really is in bulk.

I absolutely disagree. People here saved me from committing suicide last weekend — far more effectively than family, counselors, drug-prescribing professionals... Not to mention far more respectfully, too!

Highly suicidal people from this forum spent hours trying to find alternatives to death for me. Currently, they're successful. (Things may change, but at least they've temporarily fixed the root cause of my problems. Giving me time to ground myself better)

In addition, their thoughts (and willingness to listen to mine) were invaluable. Unlike everyone else, they're willing to break the law to listen to me. That's respect

We don't euthanize ourselves for fun here. Everyone recommends doing it after careful analysis — after all, it's literally a matter of life-or-death! :P Many here are experts at identifying reasons to live

 

[Wait-Bus]

I will tell you though, this is a dark place in some corners. In truth, nobody here knows you, and sometimes the wrong advice is given. Your post worries me. I don't want you to come here looking for the wrong answers on how to hurt yourself. People are cold and callous here. Teenagers have died here after not knowing how to deal with minor problems in their life, teenage stress you know? But still, some will bid farewell to you like it's a good thing, not knowing who you are. I want you to do well with your life. I want you to make the right decisions, but how can you if you're already struggling at that point? Idk, there are good threads here, I just thought I'd tell you…
Your family, your loved ones, they know you. They're realistic. Nobody here really is in bulk.

Thank you for your concern. I really do appreciate it and I take your points with real consideration. These are things that can be talked in chat or PMs as well on a one to one basis. Those are some of things I am searching for in this forum.

Again thank you again for your concern

Welcome to Sasu. Your experience of attempting when you were younger is something I haven't experienced, but knowing that there's no going back sounds like it would be scary if you started having doubts at the last second, but couldn't do anything about it. I've been wondering for a while what it would be like to go through it myself, but it scares me to think about it.

Like you, I've known for many years that I would end my life "someday", but that distant moment in the future feels like it's just around the corner. Sometimes it's a comforting feeling, but other times it isn't. I don't know what the future holds for you, but I hope you make the best choice you possibly can for yourself, even though it's hard to know what that is sometimes. Hopefully we can both figure this out, because not knowing really sucks.

Thank you for your thoughts.
I am not sure if it feel like its just around the corner but its a backdrop or a horizon that is a bit more in focus. But sometimes finding the exact words to find the exact feeling is hard to do.

You go to the three lines on the top-left of the screen and towards the bottom of the tab it says "chat"

Chat is now available and the private chat as well. I guess I just had to wait the 24 hours to be allowed in

 

[conflagration]

Was full suspension painful when you tried it?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you went through that failed attempt. It must had been awful. I really do envy those with the courage for hanging, it makes it sound so much easier than it actually is when you hear of all those people succeeding with it. I wish you the best with your plans and I hope that you find freedom from your suffering.

 

[Wait-Bus]

I'm sorry that you went through that failed attempt. It must had been awful. I really do envy those with the courage for hanging, it makes it sound so much easier than it actually is when you hear of all those people succeeding with it. I wish you the best with your plans and I hope that you find freedom from your suffering.

Thank you for your thoughts. As understand, it tends to have a higher success rate than most other methods. But why I am drawn to it, is hard to explain. It just seems to fit or maybe it just appears easier than other methods.

Again thank you for your comments

Was full suspension painful when you tried it?

To be honest, I don't remember pain other the anxiety when I fully realized I had just set in motion something I could not stop and would kill me. Moments later I lost consciouness.

But what I do remember very clearly and still feel - was the inability to breath. I could not inhale or exhale, my chest felt frozen. There was a pounding in my head. Moments later I found myself on my back on the floor looking at the towl noose that had come undone. At 15 I was not great at tieing knots.