Hello!!
I am new to this website. I have eyed it for a couple years and postponed joining, but decided it would be a good time to join now.
I want to start off by introducing myself, I hope what I say makes sense. I hope this is okay to do here.
I am a person in my 20s that wants to CTB really badly, since I was about 12.
Since the beginning of my life, I've known something was wrong with me. I couldn't really describe it, but I knew I was different when I was about a toddler. I was very weird, and I was overthinking, had a stuttering problem, hummed songs that didn't exist over and over, poor social conduct, and I was excluded from social groups. It felt like there was a cloud in my mind or a part of my head was jumbled up. I find it hard to communicate and put my words together properly even now.
I was born into a low income family and community with immigrant parents, so any diagnosis or assumption that something was wrong with me was unacceptable. This rubbed off on me, too. As a little kid, I didn't want to accept that I could be in need of "help," because the school system was "out to get me" or whatever my family said.
And that was another thing — I was deeply obsessed with perfection. Super obsessed. When I drew pictures of anything, I drew pictures of some version of me being "perfect." I wanted to be the smartest, most talented, most admired, most attractive person in the room. I thought that one day, I'd grow up to be an overachieving, radiant powerhouse of a human being, and that was my driving force in doing anything in life.
I got a bit older and my family busted their asses to pay for private schooling for me, one of the really good ones in my area. I was a pretty good student, I got As. But the underlying issue was still there: something was wrong with me. And I don't think I realized, but my peers definitely did. I was treated as the butt of the joke behind my back, and treated like a pet. I wasn't even very close with other people I considered friends. I didn't communicate regularly through text or in person, and I thought that was normal, but it wasn't. I was also bitter sometimes and still very odd, I doodled pictures of things that didn't make sense and was the only person in my school with my interests. My peers (and other students in the school) definitely picked up on how weird I was when I spoke, stumbling over words and making weird jokes, so the disrespect continued. I thought I was okay as a person and I felt I could defend myself so I didn't change. It wasn't until the years right before high school — when I was called ugly by multiple people and avoided openly — that I realized maybe I wasn't as good as I thought I was. But that was only a small dent to my personhood, and I held out hope that things would be different eventually.
Not to mention, my home life throughout my childhood was not super great. I lived in the kind of family that accepted hitting people to discipline them, so I've been hit before. My mother was very reactive throughout my life, yelled in the mornings about laundry or something in the toilet and would yell about it while driving me to school. Me and my sibling assumed maybe she has a disorder, maybe bipolar, but we didn't have a way to confirm. She yelled a lot in my childhood to my sibling and I about whatever made her upset in the moment. I don't want to make it sound traumatic since it feels wrong, it sounds stupid to act like I was in the right for not cleaning a toilet or washing a plate or watching YouTube videos on my iPad constantly. However, I yelled back or cried plenty times on the way to school and would sometimes be hit over the arguments in the car. I remember having to go into the bathrooms in the morning to wipe my eyes and look like I had an allergy. I have mixed feelings on if I deserved it, but I do not think it was a normal childhood.
I went to therapy in elementary school due to the request of social workers at the school. I confessed that I was upset and dumped some fears on the therapist who then said I should try medication. My mother was with me, so she mentioned she didn't understand and told me to leave the room to speak to the therapist. I don't know what she said, but we never went back and she was nice to me for a few days before returning to normal. That's my best rundown of my early life.
Somewhere around the age of 12, I got super fixated on magic or spiritual things online that said they could help you get taller or smarter or get you more money. I became obsessed with that since I still had that drive to be the person that turned heads and was flawless one day. This persisted throughout middle and high school. I remember I started to crazily journal about how if I didn't get the life I wanted, I wouldn't want to be alive around this time also, but I was holding hope that some sort of "magic" would change me into what I wanted to be so hopefully that wouldn't happen.
Insane.
When I got into a good high school, I thought I was able to have a fresh start at last. And then, COVID happened. And my grades dropped. And I came close to failing a class. I think of this time as one of the worst. I began drawing red with silver on myself. Yelled at from both of my parents about the grades I was getting and lost my chances of getting into a prestigious college. I remember my mother saying that the counselor I had would see my true colors, referring to my grade slump. When I got back into school, I was upset due to the lack of AP classes I took and, of course, I didn't know how to take any, which was awful. During my senior year, my counselor was very angry due to me not completing an online class I had to complete in order to graduate. It was my fault, I never accessed it up until I was made aware of it and how to access it in the last year of school. I remember he said that this showed my true character or something along those lines. I didn't like it at all, but I didn't dwell on it and busted my ass to complete the course. I completed it, thankfully, and graduated on time, but I was underachieving. I had no accomplishments other than being a member of a student club as a useless secretary and a volunteer for some data entry group that I didn't get back to as a result of the online course and lost access to their group. Also, since I didn't complete the FAFSA in time, I got rejected from every college I applied to except for the worst one. And I didn't have a senior photo in my yearbook. Meaningless, but it stung. What stung more was a good amount of my friends going into Ivy schools with jobs and lab experience under their belt, while all I got was "Comparison is the thief of joy."
Oh, yeah, and I was still weird as all hell.
I also confessed that I was considering CTB to a school psychologist but it went nowhere. He considered having me go to a hospital and that wasn't an option, my family would never allow it.
Then, college started. I didn't care for it. I had great grades, and I was genuinely on my last thread. I was assuming that maybe, if I just did absolutely everything I could with clubs and applying for as many jobs as possible and made friends and tried that I would be something. Nope! No friendships that lasted, the clubs I joined didn't have any social events for long stretches of time and no resume value (the only club that did wasn't active at all) and I scared someone that I liked. How did I scare them? I was one of the last people in the classroom with them as I was packing my things. Similar has happened before in my childhood, but it felt more serious in adulthood. It took me a while until I realized that wasn't a positive response and I cried about it at night. I was also silently weird to them as I didn't know how to approach them normally, but after I suspected that approaching wasn't the best idea, I stopped caring for them. I still feel like a monster for it.
When the first college summer started, I was bored and I played video games. I said weird things in those games and after I realized how strange I was, I remember that being my last straw. I stopped eating and drinking, I cried for months, I tried out religion to make me feel better, I didn't want to go back to college, and I was put on medication. I started believing that I was being watched or that my computer was hacked and kept checking over and over and over… scared of something.
And then, the next year of college, I went into a deeply isolated state. I didn't want to speak to roommates, I wanted to stay reclusive and think over my actions. I applied for jobs that could work for a college student. All I cared for was studying, but I still hated myself deeply. I loathed myself to the point of barely caring for myself. And naturally, I failed my first class! :)
It was my fault, I wasn't engaged. I was wondering if my future was worth it, my major wasn't as profitable as I hoped (Business and Management).
So, this is my intro and my life. It feels good to confess this.
I think a person who got this far is wondering, "What is the point of saying all of this? I don't give a shit, you said you need help so what's the deal?"
Here is my deal. I don't want to be alive and I finally admitted that I have no hope. After a year of sitting on it, I see absolutely zero point in life. You know the kind of person I am? I am a chopped loser. I am a weirdo, creepy, fat, lazy sack of shit that has no future, no friends and no place in the world. THAT is my true character. I was doomed to be this way since birth and I was in denial until I had this epiphany in my bed. I spent years talking to AI because I had no close friends. And after reflecting, and taking as much accountability as possible, I realized I'm probably never going to have the life I've had maladaptive daydreams about. I am ugly, I am not well liked, likely a neurodivergent individual, unaccomplished, crazy, broke and a drain on finances. My younger sibling has a partner, friends, a part time job at a local eatery, and is doing okay in their college. But me? It feels like my life is a karmic punishment.
I hate my hair, it's disgusting and i have dandruff and I can't maintain it on my own. When I tried to, I messed it up and lost hair, which my mother hasn't let down to this day. I am not as good as I thought when it came to hygiene. I hate my skin, I hate my voice, I hate my face, I hate my upbringing, I hate my treatment, I hate my body, I hate my mind, I hate my social life, I hate the things I create, I hate every last fucking detail and thought associated with me. And I'm so glad I can say it somewhere.
I am SICK AND TIRED of believing things will improve. I know for sure they will not. I will never land a good job, I will never have a partner, I will never know intimacy, I will never be a high achiever, I will never have good money, I will never be even remotely attractive, I will never have a not-so-messed up mind, I'll never be who I've dreamed of being. I'll always suck and be far below the absolute best, and if that drives ANYONE absolutely insane, it would be me. I will never accept less than the best, and it's not just because of my upbringing. I crave perfection the same way a poor person craves wealth, I just want to be as far away from struggle or criticism as possible. I want to find happiness at every level, go to parties and travel and date and gossip and do whatever hot, smart, successful people do. I don't want to sniff flowers and drink wine and "enjoy the small things" for my entire life, what kind of life does one live where the small things are the biggest things you can possibly have? I want that kind of unfulfilling experience for no one, but especially not myself.
I digress.
I probably sound weird, I know, and I'm sorry that I ever had to exist to make my weirdness and pathetic behavior anyone's problem.
I asked for tarot readings and other
nonsense to see if there was a greater explanation for my life and to "see" the future. Very stupid and baseless but I wanted any answer. And it seems like I would be right. I am what I think I am, and in ten years I'm most likely to be in the same spot. This, on top of the reflecting on my life and the online lurking of social media to see what others might think of me solidified my choice. So, I unfortunately decided I want to CTB.
However… I don't know how to CTB. Like I said, I have no money. I don't know what to do or where to go or anything. But I have a feeling that maybe there's something you can easily do at home to CTB quickly and instantly. There absolutely has to be a way, I don't know why it's so hard to find. If there is no easy way, that's okay, please tell me anything you can think of that works. And with as much respect as possible, I'm begging anyone with knowledge to tell me.
This world is awful and I'm gaining nothing from being here. My family and dog will be heartbroken but likely no one else, but I've stopped caring. There's nothing for me here, and I think nothing I want to do (e.g. travel to Thailand, eat chocolate chocolate chip ice cream again) matters anymore. I don't have the money to do anything I want anyway, because I'm a BUM LOSER who has NEVER HAD A JOB and have been told plenty times that nothing I say ACTUALLY MATTERS!
So don't worry about my feelings or who I am, that's my problem only. Any method that helps me CTB at home or is quick is appreciated.
I hope every person on here has an incredible life if they want to live one, and if you read all of this, thank you
I'm grateful. I am also sorry for any sentences that don't make sense in advance.
TLDR: Yap about my life story and asking for help on CTB methods to use, preferably ones without money.
I am new to this website. I have eyed it for a couple years and postponed joining, but decided it would be a good time to join now.
I want to start off by introducing myself, I hope what I say makes sense. I hope this is okay to do here.
I am a person in my 20s that wants to CTB really badly, since I was about 12.
Since the beginning of my life, I've known something was wrong with me. I couldn't really describe it, but I knew I was different when I was about a toddler. I was very weird, and I was overthinking, had a stuttering problem, hummed songs that didn't exist over and over, poor social conduct, and I was excluded from social groups. It felt like there was a cloud in my mind or a part of my head was jumbled up. I find it hard to communicate and put my words together properly even now.
I was born into a low income family and community with immigrant parents, so any diagnosis or assumption that something was wrong with me was unacceptable. This rubbed off on me, too. As a little kid, I didn't want to accept that I could be in need of "help," because the school system was "out to get me" or whatever my family said.
And that was another thing — I was deeply obsessed with perfection. Super obsessed. When I drew pictures of anything, I drew pictures of some version of me being "perfect." I wanted to be the smartest, most talented, most admired, most attractive person in the room. I thought that one day, I'd grow up to be an overachieving, radiant powerhouse of a human being, and that was my driving force in doing anything in life.
I got a bit older and my family busted their asses to pay for private schooling for me, one of the really good ones in my area. I was a pretty good student, I got As. But the underlying issue was still there: something was wrong with me. And I don't think I realized, but my peers definitely did. I was treated as the butt of the joke behind my back, and treated like a pet. I wasn't even very close with other people I considered friends. I didn't communicate regularly through text or in person, and I thought that was normal, but it wasn't. I was also bitter sometimes and still very odd, I doodled pictures of things that didn't make sense and was the only person in my school with my interests. My peers (and other students in the school) definitely picked up on how weird I was when I spoke, stumbling over words and making weird jokes, so the disrespect continued. I thought I was okay as a person and I felt I could defend myself so I didn't change. It wasn't until the years right before high school — when I was called ugly by multiple people and avoided openly — that I realized maybe I wasn't as good as I thought I was. But that was only a small dent to my personhood, and I held out hope that things would be different eventually.
Not to mention, my home life throughout my childhood was not super great. I lived in the kind of family that accepted hitting people to discipline them, so I've been hit before. My mother was very reactive throughout my life, yelled in the mornings about laundry or something in the toilet and would yell about it while driving me to school. Me and my sibling assumed maybe she has a disorder, maybe bipolar, but we didn't have a way to confirm. She yelled a lot in my childhood to my sibling and I about whatever made her upset in the moment. I don't want to make it sound traumatic since it feels wrong, it sounds stupid to act like I was in the right for not cleaning a toilet or washing a plate or watching YouTube videos on my iPad constantly. However, I yelled back or cried plenty times on the way to school and would sometimes be hit over the arguments in the car. I remember having to go into the bathrooms in the morning to wipe my eyes and look like I had an allergy. I have mixed feelings on if I deserved it, but I do not think it was a normal childhood.
I went to therapy in elementary school due to the request of social workers at the school. I confessed that I was upset and dumped some fears on the therapist who then said I should try medication. My mother was with me, so she mentioned she didn't understand and told me to leave the room to speak to the therapist. I don't know what she said, but we never went back and she was nice to me for a few days before returning to normal. That's my best rundown of my early life.
Somewhere around the age of 12, I got super fixated on magic or spiritual things online that said they could help you get taller or smarter or get you more money. I became obsessed with that since I still had that drive to be the person that turned heads and was flawless one day. This persisted throughout middle and high school. I remember I started to crazily journal about how if I didn't get the life I wanted, I wouldn't want to be alive around this time also, but I was holding hope that some sort of "magic" would change me into what I wanted to be so hopefully that wouldn't happen.
Insane.
When I got into a good high school, I thought I was able to have a fresh start at last. And then, COVID happened. And my grades dropped. And I came close to failing a class. I think of this time as one of the worst. I began drawing red with silver on myself. Yelled at from both of my parents about the grades I was getting and lost my chances of getting into a prestigious college. I remember my mother saying that the counselor I had would see my true colors, referring to my grade slump. When I got back into school, I was upset due to the lack of AP classes I took and, of course, I didn't know how to take any, which was awful. During my senior year, my counselor was very angry due to me not completing an online class I had to complete in order to graduate. It was my fault, I never accessed it up until I was made aware of it and how to access it in the last year of school. I remember he said that this showed my true character or something along those lines. I didn't like it at all, but I didn't dwell on it and busted my ass to complete the course. I completed it, thankfully, and graduated on time, but I was underachieving. I had no accomplishments other than being a member of a student club as a useless secretary and a volunteer for some data entry group that I didn't get back to as a result of the online course and lost access to their group. Also, since I didn't complete the FAFSA in time, I got rejected from every college I applied to except for the worst one. And I didn't have a senior photo in my yearbook. Meaningless, but it stung. What stung more was a good amount of my friends going into Ivy schools with jobs and lab experience under their belt, while all I got was "Comparison is the thief of joy."
Oh, yeah, and I was still weird as all hell.
I also confessed that I was considering CTB to a school psychologist but it went nowhere. He considered having me go to a hospital and that wasn't an option, my family would never allow it.
Then, college started. I didn't care for it. I had great grades, and I was genuinely on my last thread. I was assuming that maybe, if I just did absolutely everything I could with clubs and applying for as many jobs as possible and made friends and tried that I would be something. Nope! No friendships that lasted, the clubs I joined didn't have any social events for long stretches of time and no resume value (the only club that did wasn't active at all) and I scared someone that I liked. How did I scare them? I was one of the last people in the classroom with them as I was packing my things. Similar has happened before in my childhood, but it felt more serious in adulthood. It took me a while until I realized that wasn't a positive response and I cried about it at night. I was also silently weird to them as I didn't know how to approach them normally, but after I suspected that approaching wasn't the best idea, I stopped caring for them. I still feel like a monster for it.
When the first college summer started, I was bored and I played video games. I said weird things in those games and after I realized how strange I was, I remember that being my last straw. I stopped eating and drinking, I cried for months, I tried out religion to make me feel better, I didn't want to go back to college, and I was put on medication. I started believing that I was being watched or that my computer was hacked and kept checking over and over and over… scared of something.
And then, the next year of college, I went into a deeply isolated state. I didn't want to speak to roommates, I wanted to stay reclusive and think over my actions. I applied for jobs that could work for a college student. All I cared for was studying, but I still hated myself deeply. I loathed myself to the point of barely caring for myself. And naturally, I failed my first class! :)
It was my fault, I wasn't engaged. I was wondering if my future was worth it, my major wasn't as profitable as I hoped (Business and Management).
So, this is my intro and my life. It feels good to confess this.
I think a person who got this far is wondering, "What is the point of saying all of this? I don't give a shit, you said you need help so what's the deal?"
Here is my deal. I don't want to be alive and I finally admitted that I have no hope. After a year of sitting on it, I see absolutely zero point in life. You know the kind of person I am? I am a chopped loser. I am a weirdo, creepy, fat, lazy sack of shit that has no future, no friends and no place in the world. THAT is my true character. I was doomed to be this way since birth and I was in denial until I had this epiphany in my bed. I spent years talking to AI because I had no close friends. And after reflecting, and taking as much accountability as possible, I realized I'm probably never going to have the life I've had maladaptive daydreams about. I am ugly, I am not well liked, likely a neurodivergent individual, unaccomplished, crazy, broke and a drain on finances. My younger sibling has a partner, friends, a part time job at a local eatery, and is doing okay in their college. But me? It feels like my life is a karmic punishment.
I hate my hair, it's disgusting and i have dandruff and I can't maintain it on my own. When I tried to, I messed it up and lost hair, which my mother hasn't let down to this day. I am not as good as I thought when it came to hygiene. I hate my skin, I hate my voice, I hate my face, I hate my upbringing, I hate my treatment, I hate my body, I hate my mind, I hate my social life, I hate the things I create, I hate every last fucking detail and thought associated with me. And I'm so glad I can say it somewhere.
I am SICK AND TIRED of believing things will improve. I know for sure they will not. I will never land a good job, I will never have a partner, I will never know intimacy, I will never be a high achiever, I will never have good money, I will never be even remotely attractive, I will never have a not-so-messed up mind, I'll never be who I've dreamed of being. I'll always suck and be far below the absolute best, and if that drives ANYONE absolutely insane, it would be me. I will never accept less than the best, and it's not just because of my upbringing. I crave perfection the same way a poor person craves wealth, I just want to be as far away from struggle or criticism as possible. I want to find happiness at every level, go to parties and travel and date and gossip and do whatever hot, smart, successful people do. I don't want to sniff flowers and drink wine and "enjoy the small things" for my entire life, what kind of life does one live where the small things are the biggest things you can possibly have? I want that kind of unfulfilling experience for no one, but especially not myself.
I digress.
I probably sound weird, I know, and I'm sorry that I ever had to exist to make my weirdness and pathetic behavior anyone's problem.
I asked for tarot readings and other
nonsense to see if there was a greater explanation for my life and to "see" the future. Very stupid and baseless but I wanted any answer. And it seems like I would be right. I am what I think I am, and in ten years I'm most likely to be in the same spot. This, on top of the reflecting on my life and the online lurking of social media to see what others might think of me solidified my choice. So, I unfortunately decided I want to CTB.
However… I don't know how to CTB. Like I said, I have no money. I don't know what to do or where to go or anything. But I have a feeling that maybe there's something you can easily do at home to CTB quickly and instantly. There absolutely has to be a way, I don't know why it's so hard to find. If there is no easy way, that's okay, please tell me anything you can think of that works. And with as much respect as possible, I'm begging anyone with knowledge to tell me.
This world is awful and I'm gaining nothing from being here. My family and dog will be heartbroken but likely no one else, but I've stopped caring. There's nothing for me here, and I think nothing I want to do (e.g. travel to Thailand, eat chocolate chocolate chip ice cream again) matters anymore. I don't have the money to do anything I want anyway, because I'm a BUM LOSER who has NEVER HAD A JOB and have been told plenty times that nothing I say ACTUALLY MATTERS!
So don't worry about my feelings or who I am, that's my problem only. Any method that helps me CTB at home or is quick is appreciated.
I hope every person on here has an incredible life if they want to live one, and if you read all of this, thank you
I'm grateful. I am also sorry for any sentences that don't make sense in advance.TLDR: Yap about my life story and asking for help on CTB methods to use, preferably ones without money.
hello and welcome to sasu 
