wanttogetonthebus
chronically unlucky
- Nov 27, 2021
- 405
Hi. This is a question seeking out other people's opinions on the quality of my life so I can see beyond my own personal subjectivity and blindness. I recently developed 24/7 tinnitus in both ears and I'm seriously considering CTB because of this. While this can handicap some people, very very few people would be moved to actually CBT from it. And for only 2-3% of people with tinnitus, is tinnitus considered "debilitating" because most people simply end up ignoring it and getting on with their lives. They might suffer from it but continuing to live with tinnitus would be far more worthwhile than dying for a large majority of people. I always considered myself a "happy" person and that my life is worth living. But the fact that I can't stand to hear this annoying sound and would rather simply quit cause I have nothing else in my world which seems worth it to keep going in spite of it, is making me question how "perfect" my life really was. I said I was "happy" because I thought I was, but maybe the truth is that my life is not all that great and I simply learned how to be happy in not-great situations and this tinnitus is simply the final straw to break the camel's back for a life that didn't have that much going for it in the first place. My life only ultimately served as a reminder that the one thing I learned to find solace in was not money or intimate relationships or prestige or power because I never had or was able to obtain those, but instead, it was being by myself and enjoying the peace and quiet and serenity that comes with that and not being disturbed by external forces. And this life purpose is now gone. The one thing I had and could rely on all the time to consistently meet my psychological needs in life is gone. And we as people don't live to simply breathe air, we live to meet our psychological needs, right? It's great that I found a way to live my life by my own hands in a world that didn't really ever care much about me, but now that that's gone maybe I barely had anything to begin with compared to the lives of other people - people with relationships and commitments and purpose beyond just enjoying some quiet time. It might sound stupid, but my quiet time really was my everything. And because I've come to realize just how vital it was and how much I need it and feel absolutely miserable without it, it is now making me question how good my life ever really was considering that one particular thing was the one key piece that made all this up until now worth it in the end. Any thoughts or opinions? Anything at all even criticism is fine because I'm asking for honest feedback. I'm thinking though now that my life compared to the lives of others may have been in reality, hardly worth the effort anyway for "tinnitus" to knock me down like this and remove my desire to keep living. So, if that's true, maybe I shouldn't be all too sad about what I've lost considering what I lose may have in reality been not been that much to begin with, at least compared to the great joys and triumphs that other people have to lose. So perhaps, CTB really is in my case, the most humane thing that could possibly be done in a more objective sense. I believe one of the ways people might define euthanasia is the 'humane ending of a life that isn't worth the effort or costs of living'.
That really means a lot to me. I'd like to stay in touch with you. And don't worry, I already knew about Kent Taylor, the poor guy. Even someone as wealthy and well-off as him with prestige and power and family and children couldn't hang on any longer. It's just not fair. It's not fair he or anyone else has to go through these things. And you're not pushing me at all to CBT or anything like that either. That'll all be 100% my choice. You are, however, making me feel a lot less lonely in this world while I still have to be apart of it, so thank you for that. 
