Ambivalent- please reply

[ambivalent.]

I have a lot good in my life. And a lot of responsibilities. My kids are the heart of both of these. Sometimes, I am positive I want to fight like hell to stay on earth for as long as I possibly can. In my line of work, I *know* the impact parental death of any kind, let alone suicide, has on kids…. I also love my husband and feel passion for my work.

And yet, I feel like my eventual suicide is pretty inevitable. So the question I ask is- is it worth it to struggle to give them another year or two with me? How do I decide when enough is enough?

I am thinking about buying N when we get our taxes back this year, to have for when that day comes, but I'm afraid in a moment of weakness or strength, hope or desperation, I will tell someone and have thrown the money away, or I will take it impulsively, before I'm truly ready to CTB.

So I guess I'm looking for support or thoughts.

I wish fate would just take me- boom- and I could just die.

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel like only you know when it is the right time to leave this world, it is your life and your decision. I'm sorry that you are suffering. I also wish that I could just pass away, I am very tired of living. I feel like if I had N it would be comforting, as I would have the option of a peaceful exit for when the time is right for me. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Have you tried therapy or medication or anything? It sounds like you have a lot of things you don't really want to leave behind. I don't feel it's right for me to answer the questions you proposed and I'm sure for the first you know more than me. I couldn't imagine having children, to be honest. In some ways it's much easier to go when cut off from most people. I think only you can decide/know when you've truly had enough and cannot keep going.

For buying N, if you share finances with your husband I see that as being risky, but if it's comforting then it's up to you if you feel it's worth it for the price. If you're afraid about using it when you don't think the time is right, perhaps that's your answer right there. Again it seems like there's a lot you really don't want to leave. I hope you're able to think things through and come to a decision you feel is best for yourself, whatever it is. I apologize if I came off wrong at all, I wish you well whatever happens and I'm sorry you're struggling and hope it gets better and you can find peace and reprieve.

 

[Sunset Limited]

I cannot advise you on this. Just my own perspective. If I had a child, I think CTB would have ceased to be an option for me. A parent's suicide can traumatize children beyond recovery. If I have invited someone into this world, I feel obliged to take responsibility.

Of course this is my point of view. I do not judge you. I've never been married and have no children. This may be the best decision I've ever made for myself. I could have been an unhappy, toxic, loveless parent just like my parents. I'm sorry you're here and this happened to you.

 

[ambivalent.]

I'm in therapy. On meds.

Depression and anxiety are pretty torturous. But I think mainly I want to avoid longer and longer suffering, feeling worse and worse. I often *do* wish prior attempts- especially my first at twelve- had been successful, but I love my children and can't imagine this world without them. They are amazing.

For now, I can hang on. I do want to buy N, but I will have to reflect further about that.

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry about your predicament. Not sure if I understand you. You wrote that you have a lot of good in your life and a passion for your work. Not sure what's driving you to think about ctb. Perhaps you feel like you have too much on your shoulders like it's overwhelming.

I agree about impulsiveness when N is on hand. One bad day and you're gone. It seems that you're not yet ready or made that decision but feel like one day you might. Those are two different things. Feeling 'tired of life' or 'can't wait to die' are two completely different things. Are thoughts of suicide becoming ever more prevalent but circumstances are the same? I don't know your situation, can't judge you but consider those things. If you feel not ready yet, you might feel the same after a year or however much time. Considered improving your mental state in other ways? If responsibilities are you grievance how bout a break, or some alone time?

Anyway, I'm sure you tried or consider those things but I'm pointing them out anyway. Not sure what to tell you. Wish you well!

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I have a lot good in my life. And a lot of responsibilities. My kids are the heart of both of these. Sometimes, I am positive I want to fight like hell to stay on earth for as long as I possibly can. In my line of work, I *know* the impact parental death of any kind, let alone suicide, has on kids…. I also love my husband and feel passion for my work.

And yet, I feel like my eventual suicide is pretty inevitable. So the question I ask is- is it worth it to struggle to give them another year or two with me? How do I decide when enough is enough?

I am thinking about buying N when we get our taxes back this year, to have for when that day comes, but I'm afraid in a moment of weakness or strength, hope or desperation, I will tell someone and have thrown the money away, or I will take it impulsively, before I'm truly ready to CTB.

So I guess I'm looking for support or thoughts.

I wish fate would just take me- boom- and I could just die.

Yes, it is worth it to give your children every day that you can.

Kids don't need just quality time with their parents, they need as much as they can get - quantity, quantity, quantity.

Losing a parent, especially by suicide, will change their lives forever, as you know. It will become a new marker in their lives, forever dividing the "before" and the "after."

Unless you truly cannot survive one more day, please stay for them.

 

[its-about-time]

I relate to feeling suicide is inevitable. The inevitability of it doesn't determine a timeline, though. Maybe it would be helpful to turn your fantasies towards ending things at some specified date that's far off? It might feel a bit silly to decide 20 years in advance when you're going to act on it, but it also might have a similar relief effect of knowing it's coming. I've done this in smaller increments (1 year commitment to staying alive) as well and found it pretty helpful. At the end of my one year, I sometimes just renew that vow, with or without adjustments. Allowing myself to decide on ctb without actually immediately following through is like psyching myself both up and out.

That said, I wouldn't have N on hand, because impulsivity is real, as is the possibility you'd decide to tell someone and remove it. Maybe focus on taking your time. Patience can be hard but it's easier with intentional practice. Commit to waiting "x" amount of time before purchasing. See what happens. Just some ideas that have worked for me in the past, feel free to take it or ignore it.