This post is not from a time of distress, rather it is an open problem I will state about what might happen, and it is open namely because it is centered about uncertainty regarding a very specific (possibly life-changing) event. This post focuses on how I am to move out, and how I will be residing in a dorm, and how I am going to be in medical school, and of course, some history for context. Each of the said events, though part of a whole, have inherent characteristics that can come together to form risk factors or protective factors for suicide.
Apparently, I have made it alive to this point against my will and despite the fact that living for more days terrifies me more than dying, and this has been a chronic condition going for so long that I apparently have practical consideration regarding suicide which comes as a surprise to me namely because the planning occurs not at a clear pace but in the form of details slowly coming together (for clarification, what has kept me alive for so long has been my freeze response possibly fueled by perfectionism and analysis paralysis, leading my primary coping to be avoidance and the denial currently present). I remember that some plan has come together and that I remember firmly believing I wouldn't be making it alive to about five months ago at the very best, which is now shifting a few more months forward because even still the thought of living on terrifies me. This means I might be incentivized to perfect my plan further either by planning what will remain afterwards (physical note, anonymous digital note, and legal hassles of will, body donation, and preventing a funeral) or by planning more precisely how it will be carried out (given that I am moving far away I will have to find a location all over again
, it is ambiguous whether that is good or not). However, it can still be argued that since I am moving to a completely new environment that may suit me better, premeditating and planning beforehand isn't reasonable because it will bias my mind to make use of the said plans, all while refraining from planning isn't exactly neutral because I know I will procrastinate making plans by studying myself to death to avoid thinking of death as I have been for a while. In addition, given that I am not exactly coming from a neutral point of view (especially as suggested by previous posts), it isn't exactly feasible for me to choose whether I am to live or die, which isn't exactly a minor life choice. Thus, I have come here to you to have a better idea of whether I will be living or dying and how either will be taking place. I understand it may seem absurd to ask such questions online, but I remember my history and I remember enough to know I have (possibly out of denial) forgotten a lot of things, which would relieve me from the helplessness of knowing what is wrong but not having anything to do but also comes with the surprise of fragmented understanding and unpredictability. Neither is a new trend and thus it is suggested to at least skim over previous posts made linked below; I'm not sure what I had written but it must have been something I thought was important at that moment, was bothering me, and something my mind has most probably hidden from me for good reason. I remember being afraid of paranoia and social withdrawal especially since they are important risk factors more than a year ago, before which I would attribute that to the environment and view it as an adaptation* (note: not too relevant but such shifts most often suggest specific events which in this case where indeed present.). Plus, this means an opportunity to seek professional help, though... I can't clearly remember why I wanted to seek help, why I have details on this plan, why I feel driven to do it; I know the rationale isn't gone and that this ignorance is going to break in a day or two and everything will come rushing again as it has in the linked posts. And also, given the field I'm entering I may be at a higher risk of both attempting and fatality, that is to be noted too. I'm aware this "paragraph" is a mess but so is my mind, each sentence written is a bullet point and deserves paragraphs on its own right, but I can't access too much and it is "against my programming" to be present and to know these details.
sanctioned-suicide.net
sanctioned-suicide.net
Put simply, for my whole life I have been thinking about making an attempt and slowly perfecting my plan, but in a few days it is very much possible that my life will actually be on the path of being livable, which is something that to my mind seems absurd. Given that I have always been thinking about doing it, it is very much possible to be ignorant of the change and possible new paths opened and not adapt well enough; that I have been conditioned to think about doing for so long that this might carry on to an actual livable environment. In addition, I'm afraid in this case acute problems will seem much more significant that to-be chronic problems, and how my left-over paranoia** which might very well diminish over the course of a few weeks could complicate this. Even though actually concretizing suicide will be taking a while, through sunk-cost and other biases the mind has, I might be incentivized to prioritize planning over adapting and flourishing, especially since this idea is new and alien to me. This has been on my mind for a few days and since these themes are relatively new to me, I thought it would be best to spend time writing this before I drown myself in work and possibly work towards doing it.
*This very word implies a lack of social support and also, is an indirect reference to the possibility of withdrawing from numerous previously existent (not present!) "relations" and also, being physically distant enough and having a chance at restarting my social circle completely, the idea of which is also an indirect reference to how I tend to push people away once they know too much about me. This a pattern documented enough elsewhere so I won't go into too much detail, but it is very much relevant to mention that this pattern is a risk factor if it carries over.
**I might be calling it that, and it may even be evident in the first posted link too, but somehow nonetheless it is never expressed and even when expressed it isn't interpreted that way. I don't understand, I could very well be quite angry with a roommate and have them never know my dislike of them even if it is expressed. A new trend (starting about a year ago, relatively new and rapid in the grand scheme) I've noticed is how people are unusually nice to me, and how even when I lash out it might not be exactly obvious.
Apparently, I have made it alive to this point against my will and despite the fact that living for more days terrifies me more than dying, and this has been a chronic condition going for so long that I apparently have practical consideration regarding suicide which comes as a surprise to me namely because the planning occurs not at a clear pace but in the form of details slowly coming together (for clarification, what has kept me alive for so long has been my freeze response possibly fueled by perfectionism and analysis paralysis, leading my primary coping to be avoidance and the denial currently present). I remember that some plan has come together and that I remember firmly believing I wouldn't be making it alive to about five months ago at the very best, which is now shifting a few more months forward because even still the thought of living on terrifies me. This means I might be incentivized to perfect my plan further either by planning what will remain afterwards (physical note, anonymous digital note, and legal hassles of will, body donation, and preventing a funeral) or by planning more precisely how it will be carried out (given that I am moving far away I will have to find a location all over again
, it is ambiguous whether that is good or not). However, it can still be argued that since I am moving to a completely new environment that may suit me better, premeditating and planning beforehand isn't reasonable because it will bias my mind to make use of the said plans, all while refraining from planning isn't exactly neutral because I know I will procrastinate making plans by studying myself to death to avoid thinking of death as I have been for a while. In addition, given that I am not exactly coming from a neutral point of view (especially as suggested by previous posts), it isn't exactly feasible for me to choose whether I am to live or die, which isn't exactly a minor life choice. Thus, I have come here to you to have a better idea of whether I will be living or dying and how either will be taking place. I understand it may seem absurd to ask such questions online, but I remember my history and I remember enough to know I have (possibly out of denial) forgotten a lot of things, which would relieve me from the helplessness of knowing what is wrong but not having anything to do but also comes with the surprise of fragmented understanding and unpredictability. Neither is a new trend and thus it is suggested to at least skim over previous posts made linked below; I'm not sure what I had written but it must have been something I thought was important at that moment, was bothering me, and something my mind has most probably hidden from me for good reason. I remember being afraid of paranoia and social withdrawal especially since they are important risk factors more than a year ago, before which I would attribute that to the environment and view it as an adaptation* (note: not too relevant but such shifts most often suggest specific events which in this case where indeed present.). Plus, this means an opportunity to seek professional help, though... I can't clearly remember why I wanted to seek help, why I have details on this plan, why I feel driven to do it; I know the rationale isn't gone and that this ignorance is going to break in a day or two and everything will come rushing again as it has in the linked posts. And also, given the field I'm entering I may be at a higher risk of both attempting and fatality, that is to be noted too. I'm aware this "paragraph" is a mess but so is my mind, each sentence written is a bullet point and deserves paragraphs on its own right, but I can't access too much and it is "against my programming" to be present and to know these details.
Murder
Murder I'm starting to get very scared. A little ago I made an account here because I had some distressing thoughts bothering me, some regarding the inevitability of my suicide and some regarding my history and how there were some things foretold like how i would forget a lot of things about...
sanctioned-suicide.net
Update, data, and more.
A while ago a post was made as an aftereffect of one particular panic attack which was foreseen days before. Unsettling themes occurred during the said period, including but not limited to, disconnect, impermanence, solipsism, (worse) derealization, demento- and monophobia, and perhaps (worse)...
sanctioned-suicide.net
Put simply, for my whole life I have been thinking about making an attempt and slowly perfecting my plan, but in a few days it is very much possible that my life will actually be on the path of being livable, which is something that to my mind seems absurd. Given that I have always been thinking about doing it, it is very much possible to be ignorant of the change and possible new paths opened and not adapt well enough; that I have been conditioned to think about doing for so long that this might carry on to an actual livable environment. In addition, I'm afraid in this case acute problems will seem much more significant that to-be chronic problems, and how my left-over paranoia** which might very well diminish over the course of a few weeks could complicate this. Even though actually concretizing suicide will be taking a while, through sunk-cost and other biases the mind has, I might be incentivized to prioritize planning over adapting and flourishing, especially since this idea is new and alien to me. This has been on my mind for a few days and since these themes are relatively new to me, I thought it would be best to spend time writing this before I drown myself in work and possibly work towards doing it.
*This very word implies a lack of social support and also, is an indirect reference to the possibility of withdrawing from numerous previously existent (not present!) "relations" and also, being physically distant enough and having a chance at restarting my social circle completely, the idea of which is also an indirect reference to how I tend to push people away once they know too much about me. This a pattern documented enough elsewhere so I won't go into too much detail, but it is very much relevant to mention that this pattern is a risk factor if it carries over.
**I might be calling it that, and it may even be evident in the first posted link too, but somehow nonetheless it is never expressed and even when expressed it isn't interpreted that way. I don't understand, I could very well be quite angry with a roommate and have them never know my dislike of them even if it is expressed. A new trend (starting about a year ago, relatively new and rapid in the grand scheme) I've noticed is how people are unusually nice to me, and how even when I lash out it might not be exactly obvious.
