Ambivalence/coping with ambivalence

[Lostalongtheway]

My medical issues seem to be dragging me further and further down. I thought SN but as we all know it's hard to get. There doesn't seem to be a sure fire method anymore and fuck the consequences of surviving an attempt. I struggle with likely Autism spectrum disorder which makes navigating 5/6 specialist a fucking batch. I work as much as I can but I can't get ahead because I struggle interpersonally so I can't manage a roommate situation. I'm alone 24/7. I have the time and Funds for any method yet I'm not 100% sure I'm ready to catch the bus. When I'm getting close to infusion time to keep my various medical in remission I seem closer to ready so I'm trying to ride it out. How do you all cope with the Ambivalence of wanting to live and die at the same time? It eats me alive some days.... or is it just time to ctb when at 37 I'm already up to 7 specialist and no access to mental health outside of the skills i teach my therapy clients?