am i to blame for the suffering that will be caused by my suicide

[rainysummer]

most of the people in my life would shake it off and forget about it sooner than i'd like to think about, however, there are 3 people that would/will be very significantly affected by my death: my ex bf, my mom, and my best friend. my ex bf is not doing well. he's had a pretty horrible life and wasn't doing well before we started dating either. i think if i died it would crush him, badly. If I'm being realistic it would probably set him back in his recovery at least a year, quite possibly more. i really don't know.

as for my mom, she has struggled a lot too and is single and really doesn't have much family left besides me. she has told me in the past that if i decided to end it, she would understand and wouldn't be mad at me. however, at other times she's told me she would be absolutely devastated and disappointed in me and would probably never recover from it. recently she has been crying a lot and telling me she sees me slipping and doesn't want to lose me. it's pretty heartbreaking and although sometimes i feel pretty guilty for it, at the same i don't, because it was her decision to bring me into this world, not mine, and she did it without my consent which i honestly really really resent her for, and when she made that decision without my consent she also accepted all the risks that come with it not only for me but for her too.

with my best friend, we met about two months ago out of pure chance and have become extremely close. it has kind of been like a miracle for both of us. she attempted suicide and was hospitalized earlier this year, before we met. she's told me if we hadn't met she may not be still here. she is pushing on and is honestly doing a lot better than i am, however a few times she's told me that if i go, she will probably go too. that being said, she's also told me many times that that's not true, or that even if it is, it's not my responsibility what she decides to do with her life after i'm gone, which, i kind of agree with her on. so theres a lot of conflicting information.

i feel deep guilt over this. on the one hand, i can't deny that choosing to fall to peace will cause irreversible havoc on the lives of the people closest to me, but on the other, i kind of feel like it's not my responsibility, and that i shouldn't have to continue living a life i don't want to live. my mother chose to bring me into this world, not me. i never intended to hurt anybody in the end when i formed relationships with these people, and i kind of feel like it's not my responsibility if they are hurt by their loss of me. it could definitely be said that i will have caused them suffering, but in the end, it is my life to do what i want with it, right? i don't know. i honestly don't know.

 

[Sick of it all]

It is hard to leave others in your wake. I have a son who also has mental issues and I'm worried if I CBT then he might be triggered by it. I hate to think of him having pain from my passing. Then there is my brother. I'm sure he would be crushed by my decision. I do know if I CBT then I'll be doing it because the pain to myself is too bad. Hopefully people will understand in the end.

 

[bed]

People more than likely will blame you unfortunately due to the stigma surrounding suicide and the grieving process. I do not think you are to be blamed though for ending your life. It is a personal decision at the end of the day. People will be affected by your death whether you like it or not, it's just human nature. It's something you just have to accept if you plan on going through with CTB.

 

[Someone123]

most of the people in my life would shake it off and forget about it sooner than i'd like to think about, however, there are 3 people that would/will be very significantly affected by my death: my ex bf, my mom, and my best friend. my ex bf is not doing well. he's had a pretty horrible life and wasn't doing well before we started dating either. i think if i died it would crush him, badly. If I'm being realistic it would probably set him back in his recovery at least a year, quite possibly more. i really don't know.

as for my mom, she has struggled a lot too and is single and really doesn't have much family left besides me. she has told me in the past that if i decided to end it, she would understand and wouldn't be mad at me. however, at other times she's told me she would be absolutely devastated and disappointed in me and would probably never recover from it. recently she has been crying a lot and telling me she sees me slipping and doesn't want to lose me. it's pretty heartbreaking and although sometimes i feel pretty guilty for it, at the same i don't, because it was her decision to bring me into this world, not mine, and she did it without my consent which i honestly really really resent her for, and when she made that decision without my consent she also accepted all the risks that come with it not only for me but for her too.

with my best friend, we met about two months ago out of pure chance and have become extremely close. it has kind of been like a miracle for both of us. she attempted suicide and was hospitalized earlier this year, before we met. she's told me if we hadn't met she may not be still here. she is pushing on and is honestly doing a lot better than i am, however a few times she's told me that if i go, she will probably go too. that being said, she's also told me many times that that's not true, or that even if it is, it's not my responsibility what she decides to do with her life after i'm gone, which, i kind of agree with her on. so theres a lot of conflicting information.

i feel deep guilt over this. on the one hand, i can't deny that choosing to fall to peace will cause irreversible havoc on the lives of the people closest to me, but on the other, i kind of feel like it's not my responsibility, and that i shouldn't have to continue living a life i don't want to live. my mother chose to bring me into this world, not me. i never intended to hurt anybody in the end when i formed relationships with these people, and i kind of feel like it's not my responsibility if they are hurt by their loss of me. it could definitely be said that i will have caused them suffering, but in the end, it is my life to do what i want with it, right? i don't know. i honestly don't know.

I'll just give my opinions but I know there are many ways to look at this, these are complicated issues that many of us face. You do need to make the decision that is best for you, even though this will affect others some. As far as being mad at your mom for bringing you into this world, personally I wouldn't be upset at her about that, because it wasn't being born that lead to the place you are in, but it was very likely some collection of bad experiences/ meanness/ bullying that lead to this, ad these are the real problems. Just one person;s first reaction to this.

 

[chloramine]

This is a complicated, nuanced topic and I don't think there's one answer for every situation. I agree that their emotions are not your responsibility. I also think we should try to be mindful of people's emotions where possible, but to live to avoid making people feel bad is essentially taking on that responsibility for their emotions. There's a difference between mindfulness and curating your existence. Also it's not really living at all.

We all have our limits and usually suicide happens when we're pushed beyond them in one or more ways. So, I don't believe it's someone's fault or responsibility if they die and it hurts others. It's complicated and messy and it's a question without a right answer.

 

[brokensea]

It is tough. I read some of the stories of suicide survivors. One story always stayed with me. This mom, her son shot himself and she found him. She pretty much lost her mind after that. She would have family dinners and put his urn on one of the dining chairs. She stopped eating and lost a ton of weight. She would every day go to his room, listen to the music he had, spend every minute of the day thinking of him, she wrote this poem about him being a little boy and their special relationship and I just bawled. It had been years and she just couldn't not move on not even an inch. She loved her son so much. She didn't want to be away or go anywhere far unless she could bring his urn with her. It was the saddest thing I ever read. That was a truly special case of extraordinary love. I don't think anyone loves me that much if they did maybe I would feel less like dying. But your view of how much others care for you and the pain they will feel is more than most people realize. It truly feels like no one cares and people often don't show care and support and drift away and you feel completely alone but there can be someone in your life that will be affected forever by your death. It's a matter of grieving and accepting that. That there is no options for you to escape the pain you're in and you can't continue to live. That existence isn't a place you want to live in. It's very hard and feels impossible sometimes to live for others when every day is agonizing and that is your only reason. I don't know that you should have to live that way. I have been thinking a lot lately of the people I will hurt deeply and I have cried for them. How they will feel when they find out. How they will think of me over the years of their life. The guilt they will feel for not being here for me now when they should have been. But guilt is a hard motivator to live in a world you don't want to live in when you have no other reasons to be here aside from guilt and you shouldn't have to be forced to live. It is complicated and I don't really have any answers.

 

[Euthanza]

Am I to blame for the suffering that will be caused by my covid-death.

Unless I have someone or anyone including pets' life under my control and responsibility, I don't think that is necessary to over think about the effect of my decision.
Those who really loves you will surefire grieve for a while (with different timeline for each person) and continue living, but they won't blame you, instead they will blame something else, like this site (duh), though we're still here deliberately doing our things.

 

[MountainMonkey]

fortunately, I'm no longer the people pleaser. My needs now come before others. I only regret it took a lifetime to figure that out

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

Unless you have dependant children no one else has the right to be mad

 

[ojinzo]

most of the people in my life would shake it off and forget about it sooner than i'd like to think about, however, there are 3 people that would/will be very significantly affected by my death: my ex bf, my mom, and my best friend. my ex bf is not doing well. he's had a pretty horrible life and wasn't doing well before we started dating either. i think if i died it would crush him, badly. If I'm being realistic it would probably set him back in his recovery at least a year, quite possibly more. i really don't know.

as for my mom, she has struggled a lot too and is single and really doesn't have much family left besides me. she has told me in the past that if i decided to end it, she would understand and wouldn't be mad at me. however, at other times she's told me she would be absolutely devastated and disappointed in me and would probably never recover from it. recently she has been crying a lot and telling me she sees me slipping and doesn't want to lose me. it's pretty heartbreaking and although sometimes i feel pretty guilty for it, at the same i don't, because it was her decision to bring me into this world, not mine, and she did it without my consent which i honestly really really resent her for, and when she made that decision without my consent she also accepted all the risks that come with it not only for me but for her too.

with my best friend, we met about two months ago out of pure chance and have become extremely close. it has kind of been like a miracle for both of us. she attempted suicide and was hospitalized earlier this year, before we met. she's told me if we hadn't met she may not be still here. she is pushing on and is honestly doing a lot better than i am, however a few times she's told me that if i go, she will probably go too. that being said, she's also told me many times that that's not true, or that even if it is, it's not my responsibility what she decides to do with her life after i'm gone, which, i kind of agree with her on. so theres a lot of conflicting information.

i feel deep guilt over this. on the one hand, i can't deny that choosing to fall to peace will cause irreversible havoc on the lives of the people closest to me, but on the other, i kind of feel like it's not my responsibility, and that i shouldn't have to continue living a life i don't want to live. my mother chose to bring me into this world, not me. i never intended to hurt anybody in the end when i formed relationships with these people, and i kind of feel like it's not my responsibility if they are hurt by their loss of me. it could definitely be said that i will have caused them suffering, but in the end, it is my life to do what i want with it, right? i don't know. i honestly don't know.

I really appreciate this most. I'm my opinion suicide is like marriage, it's between you and the universe. No one else really matters. If they do, then that means you have something to live for. Which is totally cool. But if you're suffering trumps that, you know what you want, it's just figuring out when and how. This is just my opinion. Wishing you all the best

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide is a human right, nobody has any obligations to live as they never asked to be here in the first place. It's a personal decision when to leave. I believe that nobody should be guilt tripped and forced to stay here against their wishes. The way that I see it, I know that grief and loss are hard for people to deal with but they are inevitable in a life like this. For me personally, it could never matter to me how others react after I was to die as I simply won't be there at that point, there will be no more 'me'

 

[wait.what]

I suppose the short answer is yes, your actions (suicide) would be the cause that brought about the effect (grief). Obviously that's something to take seriously, but your own suffering is also worthy of being taken into account.

It's usually considered a sign of poor mental health when you find yourself people pleasing to the point where you're "not allowed" to effectively address your own pain. Actually, that's usually considered codependency, and there's a whole cottage industry in writing self-help books that promise to show people how to quit doing it. You're allowed to tell your boss and your coworkers to "take this job and shove it." You're not responsible for their feelings. You're also allowed to cut off your toxic parent or crazy ex, whether they claim it will destroy them or not. When it comes to quitting life itself though, suddenly you're responsible for all of your family's feelings. Instead of "You take care of your own emotions, and let them take care of theirs," you get "How could you do this to Great Aunt Phyllis?? Will nobody think of the dog??" (Have Great Aunt Phyllis adopt the dog. There. Problem solved.)

I think if you could get most of the "poor Great Aunt Phyllis" types in a private room away from anyone who's actively suicidal, they'd admit that they don't usually insist that people put their family's wishes before their own when making major decisions for themselves. I'm not sure many would own the terms "hypocrasy" or "gaslighting," but I think they probably would accept the explanation that "suicide is different." Different how? Here they'd probably flounder, and end up saying something to the effect that it's okay to say or do anything that will prolong the life of a suicidal person. So basically, if someone wants to end their life, it's cool to use lies and emotional manipulation on them, so long as the end goal is to keep them around longer.

Isn't that lovely. I know I want to hang around a place where unbearable suffering is considered acceptable so long as it doesn't inconvenience others too much.

So your answer is basically this:


(Anyone using a screen reader? That's a meme of a pirate saying, "Well yes, but actually no.")

That said, my own first choice would be for everyone here to find the means to make continuing their lives legitimately worthwhile. I think we'd get a lot farther as a society if we focused on that instead of bald-faced trickery as a means of reducing the suicide rate. However, we'd have a lot of work to do just to get to the point where it's possible for everyone to have a worthwhile life, especially in countries with huge wealth disparities, like the U.S. You don't get to where the United States currently is by caring what other peoples' lives are like. We moan a lot about Great Aunt Phyllis here because everything else requires too much effort, or even more importantly, money.

As others have said (possibly even in the thread above?), If you have no intention of helping us live with a shred of dignity, than at least get out of the way of us dying with a shred of dignity.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I think that it is very kind of you to be concerned about the feelings of others… Maybe I'm just a little bit sociopathic… I feel like other people will just move on… In my case I've already withdrawn from so many friendships that I've already disappeared…

 

[hellispink]

I consider myself responsible for the relationships and bonds I decide to create and hold to. However, that in any way means I have to sacrifice myself with pain because they don't want me out. Whoever loved me would understand it. How they will be affected is unpredictable. Some people move on faster, others become addicted to substances, others divorce or they ctb after one is gone. No way to avoid it.