Am I the problem?

[EternalPain]

I don't feel satisfied with anything in life. No matter what I do, it ends in disappointment. It's been known to a lot of people that I am suicidal but all they can ever say is "You can talk to me if you feel bad" or something of that sort. And while I'm grateful, it doesn't do anything really except maybe raise my mood a little.
Problem is, it's not like I necessarily want to CTB only during bad moments, though of course those make that wish a million times stronger. Even in good moments, I have the wish to stop existing.
I feel like I am a bad person for not being able to take their advice or "help", but it doesn't change my situation or feelings at all. The reality is, I don't have any motivation to get better. All I want is to have peace, which only CTB can give me. But admitting that would both disturb them and give them a reason to have me locked up again.
I feel like I'm stuck pretending to get better while in reality I spiral downward. I both hate myself for not wanting to get better and them for wanting me to get better.
I don't want help getting "better", I want help to get out of the situation altogether. Can anyone relate or am I the problem for not improving?
Someone please talk to me

 

[アホペンギン]

You aren't the problem for not being adequately motivated to try to get better but it is a good idea to at least try to recover before coming to the conclusion that you want to ctb, though. I advise you to try a little bit, despite having no determination to improve yourself. Once you come to the conclusion that nothing will work and the mental healthcare system doesn't give a shit, then, you are definitely not a problem and your struggles should not be invalidated.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through that. Our personal situations may be totally different. I would like to imrpove and I know how that could work, but I have no means, energy and will power to even try that bc the chances this could work out are nearly 0. And this is the point where I say to myself that it's better not to waste energy and hope to improve as it will fail anyway.

Wdym with "I want help to get out of the situation altogether."? Help with CTB or help with recovery? I would accept help and I'd give it a chance if I received the help I needed to get out of the hole. So the decision is up 2 you. But you are not alone with your intention not to improve. Probably unless things would really get better in your life.

 

[EternalPain]

Thanks for responding. I have been through the mental health system. 6 times being forcefully kept in a psychiatry, multiple therapists, countless medications. All it has given me was trust issues and more trauma. I have genuinely tried to get better, for years. Every therapist I've had has rejected me, saying they can't work with me. I'ts not my intention. Since I first have memories, I've wanted to die. I don't even know if it has ever been different, I dont remember what I used to be before.

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

I'll be honest even if it's controversial: you don't HAVE to improve or even want to, there's no script to follow in life or "things I'm supposed to want and do for simply being human". Yeah, the world says you should get help and be productive, it also says that "money and material stuff will make you happy so work work work...not happy yet? Maybe you're broken, here's your medical bill for all the medicine and treatment you definitely need."

I don't know, maybe I'm too pessimistic, but you're definitely not the problem. Sounds like you're just tired of the game and want to quit, and that's completely valid, you don't need horrible and sad life circumstances to feel like this.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I see not wanting to endure this futile existence we were burdened with as being a perfectly valid way to feel, nobody is obligated to continue suffering until they decay from age. In my case I would always prefer permanent peace to existing under any circumstances, I don't get why anyone would see existence as being desirable, existing is just so meaningless to me, I see nothing to be gained by delaying the inevitable in this dreadful reality.

 

[squirley]

I don't feel satisfied with anything in life. No matter what I do, it ends in disappointment. It's been known to a lot of people that I am suicidal but all they can ever say is "You can talk to me if you feel bad" or something of that sort. And while I'm grateful, it doesn't do anything really except maybe raise my mood a little.
Problem is, it's not like I necessarily want to CTB only during bad moments, though of course those make that wish a million times stronger. Even in good moments, I have the wish to stop existing.
I feel like I am a bad person for not being able to take their advice or "help", but it doesn't change my situation or feelings at all. The reality is, I don't have any motivation to get better. All I want is to have peace, which only CTB can give me. But admitting that would both disturb them and give them a reason to have me locked up again.
I feel like I'm stuck pretending to get better while in reality I spiral downward. I both hate myself for not wanting to get better and them for wanting me to get better.
I don't want help getting "better", I want help to get out of the situation altogether. Can anyone relate or am I the problem for not improving?
Someone please talk to me

Well said. You're not alone .