I have been suicidal since I was very young and not wanting to exist is all that I know. Life is so horrifying and pointless, so to me it makes sense for me to want non existence. It seems that in this life it is impossible to escape from suffering. I have no interest in a better life, if such a thing could exist, I just want to be free from existence. To me simply just being conscious is awful.
I consider myself lucky to have enjoyed childhood, and I feel for anyone who will never experience what should be the right of every child. My childhood seems perfect when I look back, but it is also that part of my life that inspires me to ctb the most. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that despite how great things seemed, the problems that I now face began then. Even at a young age, I got upset more easily than the others, and my body and brain worked differently. I could not speak until I was 6, and I struggled with sports, art, and any other task that involved dexterity, all of which did not go unnoticed by my classmates. I had very few friends, and struggled to talk in groups. These are problems that I have faced since I was a toddler, and it is that fact that has convinced me that my flaws are beyond my fixing: I was born with them, and I will deal with them for as long as I remain alive.
Sometimes I feel so low and am in such a dark place but don't necessarily want to feel better. I look for something to read or listen to or watch that will resonate with me without improving my state of mind. I don't need the "it gets better" treatment, don't want to journal or drink green tea or be one with nature, don't want to do something positive for myself, I just want to stay where I am in the darkness. I'm only here for other people and am sick of lifting myself up only to fall or get dragged back down. But everything online is about making things better; movies to watch that are inspiring, music that is hopeful, books about people finding themselves and recovering and reclaiming their life. Am I the only one looking for something different?
A lot of the "it gets better" stuff is promoted by people who have most likely not experienced the depths pessimism that suicidal people feel towards the world and themselves. Journaling, exercise and diet will only begin to make a difference once a person has already begun the recovery process and decided that they want to participate in the world despite all of the pain that is involved. I have no doubt that I could get better, but until I am convinced that there is something in my future that will make self-improvement worthwhile, I have no interest in trying to improve my mood through exercise, positive affirmations or the outdoors. Mood is something that can be changed artificially; medication, and exercise will most likely improve a person's mood, but they don't fundamentally change someone's life circumstances, which is the source of despair for most of us, and they only slow the stream of self-destructive thought, instead of stopping them entirely. But most people who try and improve their mood are aware of the fact that a change in mood brought about by righting a chemical imbalance in the brain is subjective; your life hasn't changed, you just experience it differently. I think that the only way I could rid myself of the urge to ctb would be to convinced myself that my life is, and will continue to be, meaningful no matter how I feel about it.
