Venting Am I still willing to die?

[fedup1982]

Just a vent, please feel free to ignore, or respond, or whatever!

I don't know, if given a magic button that would end my life, if I'd press it right now.

I think if I had a temporary opportunity, I'd take it. If I knew it were a permanent opportunity, I guess I'd wait a while. I'm comfortable with life right now but future suffering is inevitable.

I found out I'm a "reverse utilitarian" because I believe there's a sort of mathematics underlying worth of life, where suffering dominates pleasure.

It's an interesting diversion from feeling suicidal to dwell on, plus it helps clarify thoughts about life.

I do wish I were dead and could avoid life. If I could take out all the bad of life, it would be worth living. Since I can't, it's not. But I'm stuck in limbo because it's so fucking hard dying. There are options to explore, but they all have potentially negatively game changing problems. Like heroin is really illegal and hard to get. Like jumping off at beachy head could leave me in agony at the bottom assuming I'm able to get over the fear of jumping

 

[monetpompo]

i'm worried about the same thing. i've read and had some messages ask me if i really want to die if i'm second guessing it, talking about it with other people, procrastinating, etc etc. sometimes i try to find threads with similar problems as me so that i don't feel as anxious that i haven't up and died yet.

here's a post i read recently that you might like, since it talks about people that haven't gone through with their attempt/are dealing with si:

Feeling like I'm not "enough" to be here

I feel like a failure compared to everyone here. I am so embarrassed that I failed and came back here. I am so embarrassed that I kept saying that I will kms, only to turn back on the last moment. I am so embarrassed that I've had sn for over 2 years now, and I'm still here writing this stupid...

sanctioned-suicide.net

i think that me and you really do want to die, but it's just not as easy as anti-suicide media said it would be. you can't just choose to die, even when you have a method available like a gun or sn, because people are afraid of dying, pain, or losing control once they go through with it. death is obviously scary, but we still see it as an escape because it kind of is the only permanent escape from life itself. i often try to think of ways to run away from society or if there's a way i could make someone kill me. suicide is always gonna be a decision you make in complete isolation, so that's also scary. you have to be in a really specific headspace to even attempt imo. all the cheap methods like jumping, drowning, and hanging have varying levels of pain that make someone afraid to do them.

 

[fedup1982]

i'm worried about the same thing. i've read and had some messages ask me if i really want to die if i'm second guessing it, talking about it with other people, procrastinating, etc etc. sometimes i try to find threads with similar problems as me so that i don't feel as anxious that i haven't up and died yet.

here's a post i read recently that you might like, since it talks about people that haven't gone through with their attempt/are dealing with si:

Feeling like I'm not "enough" to be here

I feel like a failure compared to everyone here. I am so embarrassed that I failed and came back here. I am so embarrassed that I kept saying that I will kms, only to turn back on the last moment. I am so embarrassed that I've had sn for over 2 years now, and I'm still here writing this stupid...

sanctioned-suicide.net

i think that me and you really do want to die, but it's just not as easy as anti-suicide media said it would be. you can't just choose to die, even when you have a method available like a gun or sn, because people are afraid of dying, pain, or losing control once they go through with it. death is obviously scary, but we still see it as an escape because it kind of is the only permanent escape from life itself. i often try to think of ways to run away from society or if there's a way i could make someone kill me. suicide is always gonna be a decision you make in complete isolation, so that's also scary. you have to be in a really specific headspace to even attempt imo. all the cheap methods like jumping, drowning, and hanging have varying levels of pain that make someone afraid to do them.

Thanks, I'll have a look at your link.

Yeah, dying is fking hard. Definitely needs the right head space AND method. If I'd had access to a method like shotgun or euthanasia I'd have died at least 20 years ago multiple times by now.

And I totally relate. Dying is something most people have to do alone and that loneliness at such a crucial juncture where you cut off from everything and everyone is terrifying. I've made peace with ending my life but deciding to cut myself from family and girlfriend by dying is something I find hard to "live with" so to speak.

Personally what I'm trying to avoid is the struggles in life like being bullied by people who don't care to get to know me, the guilt of being a drain on society, and all health problems my mind and body are going to throw at me