Am I selfish for wanting to ctb?

[Yuki K]

I have an amazing family who have helped me in every aspect of my life. Even though I just have 1 friend irl yet he is very caring and I'm content with just having him as my friend. I don't want anymore. He is a great friend but he doesn't know about my ctb plans. But one day he saw the scars on my wrist and asked if I was suicidal. I replied in negative, he doesn't seem to believe it but we don't talk about it either.
But still I want to ctb. I know my family is going to be extremely disheartened and upset. My friend is probably gonna go into depression. I can already imagine their faces when they find out about my ctb. But I don't really care. Because, I don't understand their reason to be unhappy. Is this selfish of me?

 

[Asphyxiater]

I have an amazing family who have helped me in every aspect of my life. Even though I just have 1 friend irl yet he is very caring and I'm content with just having him as my friend. I don't want anymore. He is a great friend but he doesn't know about my ctb plans. But one day he saw the scars on my wrist and asked if I was suicidal. I replied in negative, he doesn't seem to believe it but we don't talk about it either.
But still I want to ctb. I know my family is going to be extremely disheartened and upset. My friend is probably gonna go into depression. I can already imagine their faces when they find out about my ctb. But I don't really care. Because, I don't understand their reason to be unhappy. Is this selfish of me?

You're not selfish for wanting to ctb because you were put into this world without your consent and you have no obligation to them, but you can help yourself from whatever depression that is making you suicidal. Suicide is the ultimate act if all else fails. Maybe you can open up to us about your problems.

 

[AllMyDreams]

When we are suicidal it's completely normal to feel like this. If anything, it shows that you're an inherently good person that you think about your family/friend enough to have second thoughts. You may not understand how they're feeling, but you still care enough to take into account what those feelings are. When I was suicidal, whenever I'd fly on a plane, I'd wish it would crash, even if hundreds of other people were on board. I'm still really ashamed of those thoughts.

The truth is that yes, your family and friend likely assign a lot of value to life, and to you. You may not feel that way but as someone who alternates between depression and non-depression, I can tell you that they are two completely different states of mind. In one, nothing and no one has value. In the other, life is just inherently worth living, and people are inherently worth loving, so if you lose those things, it's a tragedy. Your family and friend probably think they are lucky to be in this world, and lucky to know you.

Even if you yourself don't feel like you have anything to live for, you can think about it like "I don't care at all about life, but there are other people out there who do care, so I can at least help other people live their best life". And if you choose to help others, you might create your own meaning in life from that, and be less depressed. Because we are all connected as humans. Whether you do good for yourself or good for someone else, you're still doing good.

 

[Yuki K]

When we are suicidal it's completely normal to feel like this. If anything, it shows that you're an inherently good person that you think about your family/friend enough to have second thoughts. You may not understand how they're feeling, but you still care enough to take into account what those feelings are. When I was suicidal, whenever I'd fly on a plane, I'd wish it would crash, even if hundreds of other people were on board. I'm still really ashamed of those thoughts.

The truth is that yes, your family and friend likely assign a lot of value to life, and to you. You may not feel that way but as someone who alternates between depression and non-depression, I can tell you that they are two completely different states of mind. In one, nothing and no one has value. In the other, life is just inherently worth living, and people are inherently worth loving, so if you lose those things, it's a tragedy. Your family and friend probably think they are lucky to be in this world, and lucky to know you.

Even if you yourself don't feel like you have anything to live for, you can think about it like "I don't care at all about life, but there are other people out there who do care, so I can at least help other people live their best life". And if you choose to help others, you might create your own meaning in life from that, and be less depressed. Because we are all connected as humans. Whether you do good for yourself or good for someone else, you're still doing good.

For so long, I've been doing that, I'm living for other people -the people I care about and I know they care about me so I keep living on in this pathetic world. But my life is no longer mine it feels, everything I'm doing right now is for other people not for me. It helps them. It makes me glad seeing them happy. But this is not the life I want to live. Fulfilling others goals because I don't have any of mine. The stuff I do is either to fit in with people or to please people. yet, I don't even succeed at that. makes me feel completely and utterly pathetic.

You're not selfish for wanting to ctb because you were put into this world without your consent and you have no obligation to them, but you can help yourself from whatever depression that is making you suicidal. Suicide is the ultimate act if all else fails. Maybe you can open up to us about your problems.

I've been told that I'm selfish for even having suicidal thought. That I'm emotion-less and that I don't consider the feelings of my loved ones. thank you for not being like them. I really appreciate it

 

[AllMyDreams]

For so long, I've been doing that, I'm living for other people -the people I care about and I know they care about me so I keep living on in this pathetic world. But my life is no longer mine it feels, everything I'm doing right now is for other people not for me. It helps them. It makes me glad seeing them happy. But this is not the life I want to live. Fulfilling others goals because I don't have any of mine. The stuff I do is either to fit in with people or to please people. yet, I don't even succeed at that. makes me feel completely and utterly pathetic.

Got it- I guess my main point was that since we as humans are all connected, it matters less than you'd think whether the goal is yours or another person's. But I definitely understand wanting to do more for yourself, if you care about other people but don't relate to their goals.

Is there any way that you could help other people that you'd also enjoy or relate to? Not in the sense of "I'll keep living against my will because I care about others", but more like "I want to help others and I'd enjoy doing xyz to do that", or even something like "I don't want others to experience what I'm going through, and I can use my knowledge to help by xyz".

 

[chloramine]

For so long, I've been doing that, I'm living for other people -the people I care about and I know they care about me so I keep living on in this pathetic world. But my life is no longer mine it feels, everything I'm doing right now is for other people not for me. It helps them. It makes me glad seeing them happy. But this is not the life I want to live. Fulfilling others goals because I don't have any of mine. The stuff I do is either to fit in with people or to please people. yet, I don't even succeed at that. makes me feel completely and utterly pathetic.

I've been told that I'm selfish for even having suicidal thought. That I'm emotion-less and that I don't consider the feelings of my loved ones. thank you for not being like them. I really appreciate it

I don't think it's selfish. I think people who call it selfish often don't understand what it's like. We all have our breaking points and no matter how hard we try we are humans with limits.

When a car breaks down we don't assign a moral value to that. If your leg is broken no one (or almost no one) calls that selfish. Just because the pain can't be seen in the same way doesn't mean it's not there.

 

[Mimi_]

Not more selfish than people who want you to live a life of suffering just so they won't be saddened by your death.

 

[Sulyya]

a) I don't think it's selfish at all, and
b) I also understand why they would be upset. I feel for people on here who I have never and will never meet, so it is sensible imo that anyone truly close would be upset.

Even in a world where suicide was available, easy and more common and people generally appreciated the "they're at peace now" perspective - I would still understand family and friends being upset by it. All that said, I reiterate that it is not selfish to do, and certainly not to desire it.

 

[FuneralCry]

The reality is that no matter what other people say there could never be anything wrong with suicide. It's a completely personal decision deciding when to leave this world, and none of us are obligated to exist. The fact is that grief and loss are just a part of life and we all have to die and lose everything someday. All that suicide is, is just taking control over when we leave, and nobody else has any right to interfere in this despite what some people think. If people don't wish to deal with loss then they shouldn't bring life here in the first place.

 

[Teardrop2021]

I wish I could just be an emotionless stoic zombie and be able to just power through. Why did I have to be born?

 

[uniqueusername39]

yes. it's selfish. and so what? we all do things for ourselves here. prolife people included. do you think they're invading prochoice spaces to be selfless? hell no. they're doing that for their own ego and to feel like heroes. there's nothing wrong with being selfish. it's our right to be.

 

[Ki_Nam]

At the basest level, it's about self-preservation. And then people add things on top like a salad dressing, disguise it as politics, social issues, or emotion and pain that they don't want to feel. In the end it's what THEY want, what WE want. If wanting to ctb is in our best interest, then that is in our best interest. Just as living and keeping you alive is in their best interest. Whether they are government, cops, authorities/family, neighbors, and friends. Whether they want you to stay alive to pay taxes, or whether they want you to stay alive so they don't have to feel sad.

 

[leland]

Not more selfish than people who want you to live a life of suffering just so they won't be saddened by your death.

I agree 100%

 

[pharma]

No. I think the lyrics "We feel selfish, we want you to live" kinda puts into perspective. As others have said, the real selfish people are the ones who want you to continue suffering without offering any real help

 

[janejackson]

I have an amazing family who have helped me in every aspect of my life. Even though I just have 1 friend irl yet he is very caring and I'm content with just having him as my friend. I don't want anymore. He is a great friend but he doesn't know about my ctb plans. But one day he saw the scars on my wrist and asked if I was suicidal. I replied in negative, he doesn't seem to believe it but we don't talk about it either.
But still I want to ctb. I know my family is going to be extremely disheartened and upset. My friend is probably gonna go into depression. I can already imagine their faces when they find out about my ctb. But I don't really care. Because, I don't understand their reason to be unhappy. Is this selfish of me?

Yes, it's selfish. But for what it's worth, I want to CTB, too, and very well may soon.

If you have anyone who loves you, or are close to family, a partner or friends, they will never get over it. Yes, life will go on for them, but the grief in some form will remain for as long as they live. Moreover, people who've had a loved one CTB are significantly more likely to commit suicide themselves. As they say, suicide doesn't stop the pain; it just spreads it around.

On the other hand, when a person is suffering unbearably physically or mentally for whatever reason, and has no foreseeable solution or end to the suffering, it is arguably selfish for others to expect them to carry on. At that point others cannot understand the perspective of the one suffering and the one suffering begins to feel as if CTB is not an option but the only way out.

The so-called 'psychotically depressed' person who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of quote 'hopelessness' or any abstract conviction that life's assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it's terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling 'Don't!' and 'Hang on!', can understand the jump. Not really. You'd have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.

- David Foster Wallace

So who is selfish, then? The one jumping from the building and the flames or the ones on the ground telling them to hang on? Neither can understand the other's perspective.

There is no easy answer to this question. We don't choose to be born, and if suicide were permitted it might be different, because then we could talk to our loved ones about our exit, perhaps have them with us when we go… But alas, it's not like that and you have to be all secretive, adding to the shock of it which doesn't help anything.