Discussion Am I recovering or is this just PDD

[Housefly]

My depression has caused me to lose so much cognitive ability. I lose track of thoughts, I say things wrong, I forget simple things, I'm more clumsy and unsure, I can't pay attention long enough for the books I used to read.

As I am more proactive about recovering I tried playing online scrabble to fixed my spelling, stopped watching YouTube at 2x speed (it's been somewhat annoying but I'm doing it), I take my meds everyday although I think it's just the nature of my depression that I have the wherewithal to actually do this stuff. The kicker comes when I'm in the dark place again.

I do still want to die because it's what is best for the long term but right now I have no desire to actively harm myself. I don't know if I should tell my psychiatrist this, I don't like taking meds but I do it for my parents and the online friends I've made. They don't know the half of it but I feel like I will recover for now but I know myself enough to know that it will be back.

I have persistent depressive disorder, anybody else just waiting for the next romp against your brain?

 

[AkaRed]

I relate to this 100%. Depression for me is just- I know when its coming. It's always at night, meds or no meds- it just hits whenever it feels like it. I don't know what to do either man.
<3

 

[Valky]

Sadly, recover is all about up's and downs, there is no magically feeling better, it's still an illness after all.

Though if you experience no change after a few weeks of taking meds then they might just not be the right ones for you. That's when you should reach out to your psychiatrist.

 

[TydalWave]

I feel you. Been dealing with depression my whole life, and I'm almost 30 now. I hate the fact that I am so used to the lows by now that it's become so normal to want to die. Even when I am not on a low, it is always in the back of my mind; but when the depression kicks into full gear it's unbearable. I made a promise to myself I would never harm myself on a low because if I decided if I wanted to leave, I wanted to leave on a high. So meanwhile, I just exist in the pain until it subsides enough to see a glimmer of daylight.

The younger me didn't know if I could make it through. Now I know I can and will, but the more I revisit these lows the less confident I am that I want to make it out. I guess I always hoped that recovery meant there was a way out of feeling this way. But no matter the medication, no matter the effort I put in, I always revisit the lows. Had I known recovery meant accepting the lows and pushing through, I probably would have followed through the first time.