Venting Am I overthinking my life

[Fire&Ash]

hello again. I want to start out and say I am 27F. I was born 3 months premature and I think that effected my development. I know I have learning issues. Understanding social cues, not trying to be awkward and holding a conversation was the first signs I had in life. Later on, poor organization skills, difficulty understanding instructions to simple tasks, math abilities, reading abilities, and more. It's like as I got older my learning issues really showed. I'm always the slowest to do something. It could be cooking, cleaning, doing paperwork, chores, or small tasks at my job. I know I've been always mentally slower but I didn't realize it was this bad. I thought it was ADD so I took stimulants for 2 years but it didn't help my brain process or get through things. I've been always a slow learner.
Anyways, now at my age, I find it hard to keep a job. Even a cashier job is not easy for me because money handling confuses me and so does using the register.
My mom and my sister are my best friends. My mom always says I'm her companion in life. My parents are set more or less they are well off but it's wrong for me to be a leech.
A lot of the times, I see on TIKTOK about how some son who is in there late 20s or 30s stays home and plays video games and doesn't help with chores or bills and I fear that I am that person. I'm ashamed really. I wanted to do better, I wanted to make more money or have friends or relationships. But everything is a struggle because I never "get it" or things don't click. I don't want to be a burden to my parents. I live with my sister and she is a nurse and she mentions a lot on how she can't take care of me and she isn't my "sugar mama" and other things and I just feel so defeated. If I could I would you know? I just know my limits and then I wonder if I'm just lazy and I'm not trying hard enough. It's all so defeating.
Am I overthinking my life? Are these valid reasons to end my life? I know 2 women who have FSA and they are living just fine but somehow I can't.
I don't want to hurt myself because I don't want to destroy my family, but at the end I'm reminded a lot of the time that my life is my life and it doesn't effect others. My family tells me that often. It's their version of telling me I need to get it together but I just can't. I'm so frustrated and broken.

 

[fwompie]

It could be that you have developmental difficulties, since you suspect that yourself. Doesn't have to mean that's bad but perhaps your brain works a little different (so does mine, mental illness). Have you sought help for some struggles? Talking to someone could give some insight as to what's going on.

You definitely don't sound lazy.

 

[Fire&Ash]

It could be that you have developmental difficulties, since you suspect that yourself. Doesn't have to mean that's bad but perhaps your brain works a little different (so does mine, mental illness). Have you sought help for some struggles? Talking to someone could give some insight as to what's going on.

You definitely don't sound lazy.

I have tried to see psychologists and psychiatrists and they always have a different answer. I got a definitive answer that I have ADD inattentive but it's not enough to get disability. My mom knows I want to ctb and we just had this huge talk about my abilities to take care of myself. She thinks I can get disability but I don't think I could

 

[fwompie]

I have tried to see psychologists and psychiatrists and they always have a different answer. I got a definitive answer that I have ADD inattentive but it's not enough to get disability. My mom knows I want to ctb and we just had this huge talk about my abilities to take care of myself. She thinks I can get disability but I don't think I could

That sucks, not having enough clarity is so frustrating. Sometimes it really feels like the system is against us. Honestly sounds like they want you to hit crisis before you get help.

Sometimes it just takes that one doctor or psych who will help you and actually listen so I definitely encourage you to keep looking! Still frustrating though...

 

[lostmeaning]

I don't think you're overthinking it, how you feel is reasonable. Being able to hold a job and support yourself is really a requirement for life. Coming from someone who also has work difficulties for reasons that will never go away (though not the same ones). I know I can't handle leaving my job and not fitting in at the next, I can barely function enough to do well at work right now while I wait until I can ctb.

But it's your choice, you still have a chance to find a job that works for you, you have a good family. If you can handle it, there's still hope and anyone in your situation would be feeling lost.

 

[sevenkarmas]

hello again. I want to start out and say I am 27F. I was born 3 months premature and I think that effected my development. I know I have learning issues. Understanding social cues, not trying to be awkward and holding a conversation was the first signs I had in life. Later on, poor organization skills, difficulty understanding instructions to simple tasks, math abilities, reading abilities, and more. It's like as I got older my learning issues really showed. I'm always the slowest to do something. It could be cooking, cleaning, doing paperwork, chores, or small tasks at my job. I know I've been always mentally slower but I didn't realize it was this bad. I thought it was ADD so I took stimulants for 2 years but it didn't help my brain process or get through things. I've been always a slow learner.
Anyways, now at my age, I find it hard to keep a job. Even a cashier job is not easy for me because money handling confuses me and so does using the register.
My mom and my sister are my best friends. My mom always says I'm her companion in life. My parents are set more or less they are well off but it's wrong for me to be a leech.
A lot of the times, I see on TIKTOK about how some son who is in there late 20s or 30s stays home and plays video games and doesn't help with chores or bills and I fear that I am that person. I'm ashamed really. I wanted to do better, I wanted to make more money or have friends or relationships. But everything is a struggle because I never "get it" or things don't click. I don't want to be a burden to my parents. I live with my sister and she is a nurse and she mentions a lot on how she can't take care of me and she isn't my "sugar mama" and other things and I just feel so defeated. If I could I would you know? I just know my limits and then I wonder if I'm just lazy and I'm not trying hard enough. It's all so defeating.
Am I overthinking my life? Are these valid reasons to end my life? I know 2 women who have FSA and they are living just fine but somehow I can't.
I don't want to hurt myself because I don't want to destroy my family, but at the end I'm reminded a lot of the time that my life is my life and it doesn't effect others. My family tells me that often. It's their version of telling me I need to get it together but I just can't. I'm so frustrated and broken.

As a parent of grown children who lived with me into their 20s, my only ask was that they work towards something - a career, education, etc. I also asked that they helped out with things around the house. My son cut the grass and took out the trash. My daughters really didn't do anything. I didn't care that I paid for everything. It's understandable why you don't want to be a leech, but if that's the only reason you are going to ctb, have a talk with your parents about helping to develop future plans. You may find that they want to help you but don't know how. However, at the end of the day, it's your decision whether you CTB or not.

 

[Fire&Ash]

As a parent of grown children who lived with me into their 20s, my only ask was that they work towards something - a career, education, etc. I also asked that they helped out with things around the house. My son cut the grass and took out the trash. My daughters really didn't do anything. I didn't care that I paid for everything. It's understandable why you don't want to be a leech, but if that's the only reason you are going to ctb, have a talk with your parents about helping to develop future plans. You may find that they want to help you but don't know how. However, at the end of the day, it's your decision whether you CTB or not.

I went to school hoping to get an education but it was too hard on me. I tried my hardest and i still failed a lot of classes. I became a cna and medical admin but I couldn't pass the license exam to get it. I have a lot of gaps in employments and so forth. My mom tries to convince me to move back in with her and just get a job in this small town. I like the thought, but I can't support myself. She just thinks getting married is the answer and I don't know how to have a relationship

 

[FeyB]

hello again. I want to start out and say I am 27F. I was born 3 months premature and I think that effected my development. I know I have learning issues. Understanding social cues, not trying to be awkward and holding a conversation was the first signs I had in life. Later on, poor organization skills, difficulty understanding instructions to simple tasks, math abilities, reading abilities, and more. It's like as I got older my learning issues really showed. I'm always the slowest to do something. It could be cooking, cleaning, doing paperwork, chores, or small tasks at my job. I know I've been always mentally slower but I didn't realize it was this bad. I thought it was ADD so I took stimulants for 2 years but it didn't help my brain process or get through things. I've been always a slow learner.
Anyways, now at my age, I find it hard to keep a job. Even a cashier job is not easy for me because money handling confuses me and so does using the register.
My mom and my sister are my best friends. My mom always says I'm her companion in life. My parents are set more or less they are well off but it's wrong for me to be a leech.
A lot of the times, I see on TIKTOK about how some son who is in there late 20s or 30s stays home and plays video games and doesn't help with chores or bills and I fear that I am that person. I'm ashamed really. I wanted to do better, I wanted to make more money or have friends or relationships. But everything is a struggle because I never "get it" or things don't click. I don't want to be a burden to my parents. I live with my sister and she is a nurse and she mentions a lot on how she can't take care of me and she isn't my "sugar mama" and other things and I just feel so defeated. If I could I would you know? I just know my limits and then I wonder if I'm just lazy and I'm not trying hard enough. It's all so defeating.
Am I overthinking my life? Are these valid reasons to end my life? I know 2 women who have FSA and they are living just fine but somehow I can't.
I don't want to hurt myself because I don't want to destroy my family, but at the end I'm reminded a lot of the time that my life is my life and it doesn't effect others. My family tells me that often. It's their version of telling me I need to get it together but I just can't. I'm so frustrated and broken.

Being a "leech" it's very different from what you are. From what you wrote you are trying your best even through the trouble you are facing, you are everything but a leech.
Give yourself some time and peace to grow you are still young at 27 and time to find a solution that fits yourself.


I really liked sevenkarmas answer as it shows that, from what you told us, you still want to get better conditions although it's very hard and I totally get it.
I am autistic and it's very difficult for me to get social queues etc, my saviour was being academically good although I have huge social impediments.
Living your life trying to do your best and still failing makes you feel like you're worthless and all the progress you have done is vane.
What helped me is promising myself I won't attempt CBT until I have the willpower to continue trying to get better although I don't know how long it will last.
Wish it could help you in anyway kind stranger and may you find your peace

 

[sevenkarmas]

I went to school hoping to get an education but it was too hard on me. I tried my hardest and i still failed a lot of classes. I became a cna and medical admin but I couldn't pass the license exam to get it. I have a lot of gaps in employments and so forth. My mom tries to convince me to move back in with her and just get a job in this small town. I like the thought, but I can't support myself. She just thinks getting married is the answer and I don't know how to have a relationship

A lot of people have trouble taking exams - anxiety, recall, etc. It sounds like your mom cares about you.

I don't like to interfere with other people's decisions. There was a person I met when I first joined SS that I followed and interacted with. When she was ready to go, I didn't say anything, even though I knew I would be sad. I really do not want to influence you, and I don't want to get banned, but of all the stories I've read on SS, you seem like someone who has people that would be genuinely impacted if they CTB. It's your decision at the end of the day, but your mom sounds concerned and wants to help you. I'm not sure what your relationship is with her.

 

[F&Inside]

Hello Fire&Ash. I feel emotional for your venting. Because maybe right now you are in the situation of that person you saw on TIKTOK. I don't know who is it, but if he/she records himself in that situation I think he/she has no shame.

However, you don't want to, you feel ashamed and defeated, you have another attitude, your situation will be similar, but your attitude is what distinguishes you from him/her. That is the key to change things, or to fall but with dignity. Good luck with your decision.

 

[Fire&Ash]

Well I told my mom my thoughts about cbt. At first she was really hurt then angry. She said people have worse lives than I do. The people she take care of at the hospital have it worse. Etc. I told her I don't want to be a burden, then getting an education might not happen for me. That numbers and reading confuse me and so forth. I don't know how to cook etc. Basically a big pity party. She said I can apply for disability and maybe get a lawyer. That I can move back in. As much as I appreciate her, I know it's not realistic long term….but I'll try. She said I need to distract my brain by doing activities and pray to God. Coincidently, there is a guy in our community who has esophagus cancer and he would leave behind 6 kids so ya I know I don't have it bad being a single lady, but I also prayed to God to take his cancer away and give it to me. I think I'm just messed up

 

[F&Inside]

Hello again. That is true, while some people fight for their lives and do not want to leave this world, others prefer to leave. You did well to talk to her, but only you can determine your future. Think carefully.
My best wishes.

 

[Fire&Ash]

Well here is my update. I've been unemployed since June 2023. I came back to live with my parents to "get on my feet" again. I can't imagine trying to get a job right now and I barely leave the house. I got Medicaid here and I told all of my issues to another psychiatrist. She wants me to do neuropsychological testing but they are all booked out for 6 months and more. I got news that my only friend that I grew up with, who is 4 years younger than me, is getting married. It bothers me a lot. I keep asking myself what's wrong with me. She doesn't talk to me even when I reach out. I feel like it's so easy for people to leave me behind and ice me out. I can't make new connections for some reason. I feel like I'm missing something. I can't explain it other than I feel like I have no personality and no "energy" in my self. I think people notice this. No one wants to hang out with someone who isn't interesting. Everyone i grew up with moved on, and when I try to reach out in anyway, no one responds or gives out an invitation. I keep asking myself why am I so disliked. Is it my face? My lisp? My body? What is wrong with me? Can I fix myself? I'm just so tired of being alone. I feel like there is no light at the end. I feel so much shame wondering why I try to be nice to anybody but no one likes me. I don't want to live with this shame anymore

 

[theboy]

i think you are aware of what you think even though you do it a lot. everyone has their own reasons for doing ctb. i can relate to your story because i also live in a well off family and they support me but no matter how hard i try it doesn't work. i am in therapy but the only thing i want is ctb. pm if you want.

 

[Fire&Ash]

i think you are aware of what you think even though you do it a lot. everyone has their own reasons for doing ctb. i can relate to your story because i also live in a well off family and they support me but no matter how hard i try it doesn't work. i am in therapy but the only thing i want is ctb. pm if you want.

Can you explain your first sentence please I don't know what that meant

 

[theboy]

Can you explain your first sentence please I don't know what that meant

I mean that you are able to understand your emotions and identify thoughts.

 

[SexyIncél]

She doesn't talk to me even when I reach out. I feel like it's so easy for people to leave me behind and ice me out. I can't make new connections for some reason. I feel like I'm missing something. I can't explain it other than I feel like I have no personality and no "energy" in my self. I think people notice this. No one wants to hang out with someone who isn't interesting. Everyone i grew up with moved on, and when I try to reach out in anyway, no one responds or gives out an invitation. I keep asking myself why am I so disliked. Is it my face? My lisp? My body? What is wrong with me? Can I fix myself? I'm just so tired of being alone. I feel like there is no light at the end. I feel so much shame wondering why I try to be nice to anybody but no one likes me. I don't want to live with this shame anymore

Yeah, that sucks about social reality nowadays. We should hang out in groups, where you can still participate even if you don't have some fancy thing to say

Very social people often have pre-scripted routines. I just bought a book on this. So much is fake. You should not be ashamed. It is a strange dance

 

[sserafim]

Yeah, that sucks about social reality nowadays. We should hang out in groups, where you can still participate even if you don't have some fancy thing to say

Very social people often have pre-scripted routines. I just bought a book on this. So much is fake. You should not be ashamed. It is a strange dance

What's the book called?

 

[Hotsackage]

Dont analyze anything

 

[SexyIncél]

What's the name of the book?

Haha, you know the book — you're just trying to get me into trouble :P

Spoiler: Possibly offtopic discussion on social hacking

Ok, I didn't want to mention it, but it's "The Mystery Method". The OG pickup artist book! So far I've discussed it with 3 gals & 1 guy. For different reasons. I think many concepts can be adapted to any social situation — not just picking up gals. Hopefully this is useful to the OP

Here's a scenario:

• you've got social anxiety
• you wanna meet new friends — and hopefully a new boyfriend
• you're in a college town

Ok, so you can try visiting clubs. Starting with one you're not too interested in. Just go to the room, without going in. But if you wanna push yourself a little bit, yes — see if you can go inside

PROBLEM — what if you go inside & someone greets you? Solution — maybe pretend you have a time constraint, and drop a canned response:

• "I only have a few minutes, but I had to see the 'Dog Shaver's Society' for myself"
• "Well, I only have a few minutes. But I'm interested in ballroom dance, and wanted to see what you guys are up to!"

There! Safe. And you're not chasing people — they may even chase you a bit