underwaterotter
hi
- Mar 9, 2021
- 3
Hello, I haven't been on here since 2022. Well, I've maybe lurked here a handful of times since then during particular low points. I think I'm having somewhat of a low point right now and don't feel like I have anyone to talk to so here I am.
Im 25 now, in a better place since i first made an account here. I am proud of that! I'd say the main thing that hasn't changed all too much is how much money I make, which is to say, not a whole lot.
lately ive been having what feels like a realization that i am not a very likeable person. I think its especially painful because i do feel like i try. I go out of my way for others all the time, or at least whenever the opportunity comes up. People say i make them laugh. I try to be a good person i really believe in that even though i fall short at times. Maybe im a little too goofy for people?
the strange thing is, i look around and it seems like most of the people around me have this gravitational pull that draws people to them. Maybe they're talented or cool or whatever idk but i do find myself wondering what people see in me that tells them "hey this person is alright but i don't want to spend time with him or check in on him".
I think part of it is really me. I try to fill my time up with what im passionate about but i feel incredibly lonely and emotionally needy. Ive never been able to enjoy solitude and i dont know why. Ill finish up a shift or something and just feel so lonely. I start to call or text people who just dont seem to prioritize me. I try not to take it out on them though, because i know that this is my own problem. I have a few close friends, two of which i havent been able to really get a hold of in a while. One is extremely depressed, in a similar spot that i was in many moment of my life. I worry about him but he doesnt return my calls or texts. I might visit him tomorrow if i get the chance and just knock on his door. He really likes poutine lol so maybe ill get him a fancy one.
Im still recovering from a bad break up as well. Someone i thought i would spend my life with. Eventually i just felt like she was trying to turn me into someone she could love rather than loving me the way i loved her. i think the thing that really made me realize she wasnt right for me was when she told me she felt hopeless for me (among other hurtful things) during a depressive episode i had while i was off my medication (dumb idea lol). But seriously i was crying my eyes out to her and i could sense her disgust. it felt like i was only useful to her when i was attractive to her. looking back im still surprised about how she treated me. ive been with her through so many more moments where she was going through something and i couldnt even get a bit of that back from her.
Honestly i KNOW things could be so much worse, but i wonder why i dont deserve the closeness i want. I wish i werent so needy. I know progress is slow, but what does that even look like? Ive been to therapy many times. It never seems to help beyond the venting i get to do. I dont know what to do with the insight i gain from those sessions that im not already doing. I think i really just want more closeness and i cant get that from therapy. am i missing something?
Im 25 now, in a better place since i first made an account here. I am proud of that! I'd say the main thing that hasn't changed all too much is how much money I make, which is to say, not a whole lot.
lately ive been having what feels like a realization that i am not a very likeable person. I think its especially painful because i do feel like i try. I go out of my way for others all the time, or at least whenever the opportunity comes up. People say i make them laugh. I try to be a good person i really believe in that even though i fall short at times. Maybe im a little too goofy for people?
the strange thing is, i look around and it seems like most of the people around me have this gravitational pull that draws people to them. Maybe they're talented or cool or whatever idk but i do find myself wondering what people see in me that tells them "hey this person is alright but i don't want to spend time with him or check in on him".
I think part of it is really me. I try to fill my time up with what im passionate about but i feel incredibly lonely and emotionally needy. Ive never been able to enjoy solitude and i dont know why. Ill finish up a shift or something and just feel so lonely. I start to call or text people who just dont seem to prioritize me. I try not to take it out on them though, because i know that this is my own problem. I have a few close friends, two of which i havent been able to really get a hold of in a while. One is extremely depressed, in a similar spot that i was in many moment of my life. I worry about him but he doesnt return my calls or texts. I might visit him tomorrow if i get the chance and just knock on his door. He really likes poutine lol so maybe ill get him a fancy one.
Im still recovering from a bad break up as well. Someone i thought i would spend my life with. Eventually i just felt like she was trying to turn me into someone she could love rather than loving me the way i loved her. i think the thing that really made me realize she wasnt right for me was when she told me she felt hopeless for me (among other hurtful things) during a depressive episode i had while i was off my medication (dumb idea lol). But seriously i was crying my eyes out to her and i could sense her disgust. it felt like i was only useful to her when i was attractive to her. looking back im still surprised about how she treated me. ive been with her through so many more moments where she was going through something and i couldnt even get a bit of that back from her.
Honestly i KNOW things could be so much worse, but i wonder why i dont deserve the closeness i want. I wish i werent so needy. I know progress is slow, but what does that even look like? Ive been to therapy many times. It never seems to help beyond the venting i get to do. I dont know what to do with the insight i gain from those sessions that im not already doing. I think i really just want more closeness and i cant get that from therapy. am i missing something?
