am i just gonna keep driving away my loved ones with this shit? (ramblings)

[unwilling_lich]

like i feel like im too depressed to maintain any sort of relationship, my ex fiance left a couple times cuz of it being too much (among other things and, i was hella dependent and shit), i can tell its been straining heavily on my current best friend and i wonder if she would have ended our friendship if i wasnt helping her with rent and shit, i feel like i cant form any new friendships/relationships cuz im genuinely just getting worse and more dysfunctional

all i can think abt is the loneliness, longing to be held, and ending it, and when im in a group of people where everyone else is having a good time, like at the beach or doing ket together or whatever, i should be having as good of a time with them instead im doing everything to not drag them down but i cant hide shit, just makes me feel more alone and makes ppl def not wanna bring me around after that

like how tf do i even form new relationships like that? i guess it makes it easier when i can finally end it but it makes the time until then increasingly unbearable

i should just do it now this weekend while besties out of town but i want to make sure shes gets like stable housing and shit first


p sure decades of untreated mental shit has burned holes in my brain at this point

 

[LostHighway]

like i feel like im too depressed to maintain any sort of relationship, my ex fiance left a couple times cuz of it being too much (among other things and, i was hella dependent and shit), i can tell its been straining heavily on my current best friend and i wonder if she would have ended our friendship if i wasnt helping her with rent and shit, i feel like i cant form any new friendships/relationships cuz im genuinely just getting worse and more dysfunctional

all i can think abt is the loneliness, longing to be held, and ending it, and when im in a group of people where everyone else is having a good time, like at the beach or doing ket together or whatever, i should be having as good of a time with them instead im doing everything to not drag them down but i cant hide shit, just makes me feel more alone and makes ppl def not wanna bring me around after that

like how tf do i even form new relationships like that? i guess it makes it easier when i can finally end it but it makes the time until then increasingly unbearable

i should just do it now this weekend while besties out of town but i want to make sure shes gets like stable housing and shit first


p sure decades of untreated mental shit has burned holes in my brain at this point

I used to be like you. I could have written what you wrote. I got on SSRIs and it helped so much. You've likely tried those already. It took trying a few before I found the right one. They're hard to get off of, but they sure saved my life. What also helped was Maya Angelou's quote: "We teach people how to treat us." Wow, my life changed overnight after I heard that. As for your best friend - maybe you can give her a break from your worries for a while. It does get draining on our loved ones. They need a breather. Ask her about her life, maybe go and do something she enjoys. Maybe you two can find a fun, free outdoor concert and you can lose yourself in the music. I hope you stick around.