am i just gonna keep driving away my loved ones with this shit? (ramblings)

[unwilling_lich]

like i feel like im too depressed to maintain any sort of relationship, my ex fiance left a couple times cuz of it being too much (among other things and, i was hella dependent and shit), i can tell its been straining heavily on my current best friend and i wonder if she would have ended our friendship if i wasnt helping her with rent and shit, i feel like i cant form any new friendships/relationships cuz im genuinely just getting worse and more dysfunctional

all i can think abt is the loneliness, longing to be held, and ending it, and when im in a group of people where everyone else is having a good time, like at the beach or doing ket together or whatever, i should be having as good of a time with them instead im doing everything to not drag them down but i cant hide shit, just makes me feel more alone and makes ppl def not wanna bring me around after that

like how tf do i even form new relationships like that? i guess it makes it easier when i can finally end it but it makes the time until then increasingly unbearable

i should just do it now this weekend while besties out of town but i want to make sure shes gets like stable housing and shit first


p sure decades of untreated mental shit has burned holes in my brain at this point