ringo99
Arcanist
- Apr 18, 2023
- 424
Some context. I suffer from a neurological condition that ensures I mostly forget skills I learn a few months or so after I learn them so holding down a job is hard. I've suffered from clinical depression for over 20 years and in my country therapists are basically useless so I can feel myself getting worse every day. My financial prospects are dim, social life is nonexistent and is impossible for me to form meaningful relationships with other people. My father is a massive egotist who is also psychologically abusive towards my mother and sometimes me. He squandered a big chunk of his salary keeping his deadbeat brother and family afloat (ironically they ended up hating him and cutting off ties). He is emotionally and intellectually stunted and thoroughly inept at everything he does yet his ego fed by his late father is so massive that it's impossible for him admit mistakes and takes out his frustrations on my mom while I'm forced to watch helplessly.
My mother is the one bright spot in my life but she's terribly sick from years of abuse and is constantly in and out of hospitals. She managed to scrape together some kind of modest retirement fund that will take care of basic needs but won't be enough for emergencies. She's still forced to work even though her health is failing. Considering how useless my father is and with no relatives or friends to help in a medical emergency I'm always on tenterhooks for when she'll fall sick. When she inevitably does I'm forced to take time off work which damages my standing with my company even further. My company gives me some health insurance but it's pretty basic and won't be enough to cover major illnesses. With the current economic situation it's only a matter of time before I'm let go. I'm not confident I'll ever find a decent paying job ever again. There's no universal healthcare or even a hint of a social safety net in my country. We're forced to bear all expenses on our own. If I have to dip into my mom's retirement fund we're ruined. I'm just drained. It's too much for me to deal with alone since I don't have any siblings to help.
I can't take it. I just want to give up and die. At least then the insurance will take care of the loan that's remaining while still leaving a reasonable nest egg for my parents. I know that at least one of my aunts will step in to help if they can once I'm gone. Life is just too hard. The stress is like someone grinding acid soaked shards of glass into my brain. Ctb seems to be the best way out for me. Am I in the wrong for thinking this way?
@RainAndSadness I know you're a mod and pretty busy but I'd really appreciate your opinion. I saw your reply to one member who questioned your presence here and thought it was very rational and eloquent. Sorry for bothering you.
My mother is the one bright spot in my life but she's terribly sick from years of abuse and is constantly in and out of hospitals. She managed to scrape together some kind of modest retirement fund that will take care of basic needs but won't be enough for emergencies. She's still forced to work even though her health is failing. Considering how useless my father is and with no relatives or friends to help in a medical emergency I'm always on tenterhooks for when she'll fall sick. When she inevitably does I'm forced to take time off work which damages my standing with my company even further. My company gives me some health insurance but it's pretty basic and won't be enough to cover major illnesses. With the current economic situation it's only a matter of time before I'm let go. I'm not confident I'll ever find a decent paying job ever again. There's no universal healthcare or even a hint of a social safety net in my country. We're forced to bear all expenses on our own. If I have to dip into my mom's retirement fund we're ruined. I'm just drained. It's too much for me to deal with alone since I don't have any siblings to help.
I can't take it. I just want to give up and die. At least then the insurance will take care of the loan that's remaining while still leaving a reasonable nest egg for my parents. I know that at least one of my aunts will step in to help if they can once I'm gone. Life is just too hard. The stress is like someone grinding acid soaked shards of glass into my brain. Ctb seems to be the best way out for me. Am I in the wrong for thinking this way?
@RainAndSadness I know you're a mod and pretty busy but I'd really appreciate your opinion. I saw your reply to one member who questioned your presence here and thought it was very rational and eloquent. Sorry for bothering you.
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