Venting Am I even worthy of being called a human?

[TStorm]

I have this thought often. A feeling that some part of me is inherently inhuman. I'm not sure if I can explain it. I just feel other. What does it mean to be a human, and what makes me not? Am I just too broken? Surely I can't be different from everyone else in such a fundamental way. My mind goes around like a carousel out of control.

I wonder if I got rid of whatever mental illness I have would there even be a person left under that? I have no redeeming qualities, but when I say things like that people dispute me. "Oh you are so nice," or "you are a good listener."

Those are things I do so I won't make anyone upset. Or be a burden. I can't speak my mind anyway because who wants to hear me speak?No one. I listen and nod my head and smile and that makes other people happy. That's all I can do.

It's like I'm really nothing. Just nothing at all. I don't even know what my own opinions on things are because I'm too afraid to make any that might hurt someone. I have no shape or form I'm just nothing. Like a shadow. The absence of light. I don't think you could really call such a person "human".

I feel like even expressing this opinion will only alienate me further from everyone else. I don't know why I exist at all. I don't really want to anyone. No would miss a shadow anyway

 

[WinterFaust]

It is really heart breaking to read this because I feel like I could have written this and I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

Thank you so much for sharing this and trusting us with such a vulnerable part of yourself and your pain. I'm so sorry you've been suffering like this.

Edit: the question might have been rhetorical but you are absolutely worthy of being called human. Your pain is human and loneliness is so human. You matter. You're definitely someone and it seems like you care deeply for others and their comfort as well. I'm sorry that has come at your expense. And wondering who you'd be without mental illness is so real. It often becomes a deep part of our identity. You're so much more than your suffering. And you're very thoughtful and poetic. That I can tell from your post here.

 

[NotMeant2B]

You're definitely not alone in that sentiment. I experience that too, I feel the same as you described and I say the same thing to myself. It is tiring to be around people for that reason, but I feel too lonely otherwise, I cannot find peace.

Sometimes I wish for someone to ask me how was my day with the intention to really listen and understand, without any of the prefabricated phrases that just evades a long conversation. None of that small talk shit.

So, how was your day?

 

[Deathbydemo]

Quite simply put, in response to your subject title: yes.

Despite you how are feeling, you matter. I think so many of us can relate to what you are saying too. It's hard to feel relatable to other people sometimes because you feel differently and see things differently to other people. But it doesn't make you any less of a human. You are just wired differently. And that's okay.

 

[RayoSinSol]

I have this thought often. A feeling that some part of me is inherently inhuman. I'm not sure if I can explain it. I just feel other. What does it mean to be a human, and what makes me not? Am I just too broken? Surely I can't be different from everyone else in such a fundamental way. My mind goes around like a carousel out of control.

I wonder if I got rid of whatever mental illness I have would there even be a person left under that? I have no redeeming qualities, but when I say things like that people dispute me. "Oh you are so nice," or "you are a good listener."

Those are things I do so I won't make anyone upset. Or be a burden. I can't speak my mind anyway because who wants to hear me speak?No one. I listen and nod my head and smile and that makes other people happy. That's all I can do.

It's like I'm really nothing. Just nothing at all. I don't even know what my own opinions on things are because I'm too afraid to make any that might hurt someone. I have no shape or form I'm just nothing. Like a shadow. The absence of light. I don't think you could really call such a person "human".

I feel like even expressing this opinion will only alienate me further from everyone else. I don't know why I exist at all. I don't really want to anyone. No would miss a shadow anyway

I feel this. You're not alone.

I mean, my personal feeling is that everyone is kind of a fragmented cesspool of things inside, but some people have maybe had more of certain kinds of life experience to allow them to visualize a solidified sense of self more easily.

Maybe the idea of "self" is really nothing more than a story we tell ourselves, to account for the inherent chaos of perceiving our jumbled, random life experiences and being perceived by a jumbled, random assortment others over the course of it. Some people have had more experiences that have strengthened their personal narrative of self while others might not have.

Personally, I've just spent so much of my life alone, at this point, that I feel like I can't really mirror more socially experienced people as well as they might want, when I meet them, because, inside, much of my life experience has just been staring at screens and walls trying to avoid the threat of negation, projection, and hostility in interpersonal contact. When I'm around "normal" people, I often feel like an irrelevant cloud of dust, just trying to keep my mental differences under wraps so no one will label me "negative" or "antisocial" or something fucked up and condemning like that.

But, no matter how others might make you feel, you are human. Your experience is unique to you, but well within the range of human possibility. I see your experience as valid and I think you are as worthy of love, acceptance, and respect as anyone else in this broken, messy world our ours.

 

[AtleastMyKdWontBe0]

Personally, I've just spent so much of my life alone, at this point, that I feel like I can't really mirror more socially experienced people as well as they might want, when I meet them, because, inside, much of my life experience has just been staring at screens and walls trying to avoid the threat of negation, projection, and hostility in interpersonal contact. When I'm around "normal" people, I often feel like an irrelevant cloud of dust, just trying to keep my mental differences under wraps so no one will label me "negative" or "antisocial" or something fucked up and condemning like that.

I feel the same way. I feel like everyone else is reading off some manual you never got. Friendships and things just come so naturally to other people but I can never form a reciprocated meaningful connection with anyone that lasts. Way to easy to become attatched so someone who doesn't give a shit about me though.

 

[Ἡγησίας]

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

You have a completely unjustified self hatred. Which is why humans suck we are so damn frail it's disgusting. Existence is a must or soon the suffering on this planet will explode.

 

[WinterFaust]

You have a completely unjustified self hatred. Which is why humans suck we are so damn frail it's disgusting. Existence is a must or soon the suffering on this planet will explode.

I'm honestly curious, what's it like to not hate yourself? I've never known any other way of being.

 

[faraway_beach]

I remember a character in a manga I read, reacting indignantly, "Who are you calling human?!"

Humans can be pretty lousy at times. Whenever I see examples of humans behaving badly, I always think to myself, "I'm glad I'm not a human."

Maybe I'm a lizard person.