Am I acting mistakenly?

[Ares]

Recently I've spent my time purposefully isolating myself from all things I don't find useful. I've discarded desire to the best of my ability, succeeding in the past week, and generally managing to wake up at 5 in the morning. I've exercised for months on end without any breaks, and I've painfully gained 13 pounds in the past 4 months despite my IBS which has finally made me not considered underweight for my height. I've rid myself of all social media, entertainment, all material things I have a fond attachment towards, etc. by donating my things, trashing trinkets, or deleting apps in hopes of combating distractions and improving my focus and concentration. I'm succeeding academically with awards, a high GPA, honor societies, etc and for the most part that is going well, even despite some extra virtual classes I am struggling with. Overall I should be feeling happy, or at the very least satisfied, isn't this the best I've ever done..? -but I still feel like I am holding back. I'm not sure why, but I feel like I am yielding to my interests again by allowing myself to be here. I can understand the people here, and I find that... comforting..? I'm not entirely sure how to interact. I'm not used to that. For so long I've forced myself to act in a way that would be looked upon positively. Everyone I've known in my life, even those I've known for a long time, don't even come close to the few interactions of genuine concern and sympathy I've seen here. What I wonder is whether or not this is a good thing for me? I've noticed myself dawdling instead of working now that I have this place to go to if I want emotional connection. I know it comes down to restricting and disciplining myself as I have in the past, but I also don't want to let go of this place after only just joining it. Yet, I notice myself slacking. I'm not going full force. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I don't want to rule out the fact that It might be due to getting attached to the idea of making friends. I dont want to become obsessed with anything outside of my control. Be honest, with the way I have been going, should I really be trying... well, should I even try making friends here? I truly have little to no interests anymore. I'm not sure what I could offer. I don't want this place to become an outlet for distraction, but if I can't make connections anyways wouldn't it be smarter to return to how I was alone? Or am I wrong, maybe I'm being too harsh on myself by thinking this way?

 

[Life_and_Death]

i personally think youre being too hard on yourself

 

[Ares]

i personally think youre being too hard on yourself

Mh, you're probably right... It just gets hard to tell sometimes. I've never been very good at balancing myself, so I usually handle emotions by getting rid of them. So all this is a first. Even now I feel overly clinical, which is most likely my PTSD. I know in the back of my mind that an 18 year old shouldn't be objectively thinking the way I do (or writing the way I do, I've been told I sound like a professor...), but I tend to dismiss those sorts of thoughts. Thank you for responding!! ^^

 

[marsupial]

I think the clinical, or cold, or calculative (or whatever you'd like to call it) withdrawal from others + thinking about the value of things and how you fit into it all is your brain's way of coping with overwhelming feelings/situations. I don't think you're acting mistakenly. If you're worried about how you're coming across toward certain people, I'd try talking to them about it (if you trust them ofc).

 

[Ares]

I think the clinical, or cold, or calculative (or whatever you'd like to call it) withdrawal from others + thinking about the value of things and how you fit into it all is your brain's way of coping with overwhelming feelings/situations. I don't think you're acting mistakenly. If you're worried about how you're coming across toward certain people, I'd try talking to them about it (if you trust them ofc).

You're right. It's just kind of... difficult to broach the subject in real life, I suppose. It's not that the way I come across is entirely wrong, it just doesn't allow for me to really foster any connections or relationships beyond acquaintances at school. Which is partly why I'm here, the effort it takes just to allow enough vulnurability for me to admit I have this problem isn't something I could throw around when talking with other people. When in a conversation with a friend do you find the opportunity to bring up that you have PTSD and that you're not naturally inclined to act distant? Nonetheless how do you even progress to worse things than that..? I can't... I'm not sure how to get the ball rolling in a way that doesn't sound abrupt or awkward, and I don't want to make others feel suddenly responsible for my well being. Even those I've known a long time get off-put by me if I stop putting on an act of emotions and allow myself to express my lack of emotions genuinely. It's probably whiplash from, well, seeing someone energetic and bubbly suddenly turn into how I am now. It's not that I can't make myself sound less... cold. It's just that this is how I am when I'm not forcing myself to be a certain way around other people, so I figure if I want to make genuine friendships I ought to start with acting in a way that is more like how I actually am. But this isn't quite who I am either, so I don't know. Ahaha it's-! Hm. I don't know, actually. I'm still figuring this out as I go along ahaha. I appreciate you taking the time to make a comment, by the way! Thank you!! ^^

 

[marsupial]

You're right. It's just kind of... difficult to broach the subject in real life, I suppose. It's not that the way I come across is entirely wrong, it just doesn't allow for me to really foster any connections or relationships beyond acquaintances at school. Which is partly why I'm here, the effort it takes just to allow enough vulnurability for me to admit I have this problem isn't something I could throw around when talking with other people. When in a conversation with a friend do you find the opportunity to bring up that you have PTSD and that you're not naturally inclined to act distant? Nonetheless how do you even progress to worse things than that..? I can't... I'm not sure how to get the ball rolling in a way that doesn't sound abrupt or awkward, and I don't want to make others feel suddenly responsible for my well being. Even those I've known a long time get off-put by me if I stop putting on an act of emotions and allow myself to express my lack of emotions genuinely. It's probably whiplash from, well, seeing someone energetic and bubbly suddenly turn into how I am now. It's not that I can't make myself sound less... cold. It's just that this is how I am when I'm not forcing myself to be a certain way around other people, so I figure if I want to make genuine friendships I ought to start with acting in a way that is more like how I actually am. But this isn't quite who I am either, so I don't know. Ahaha it's-! Hm. I don't know, actually. I'm still figuring this out as I go along ahaha. I appreciate you taking the time to make a comment, by the way! Thank you!! ^^

For what it's worth, you don't sound cold at all. Really thoughtful and sweet though:) Take care op

 

[Ares]

For what it's worth, you don't sound cold at all. Really thoughtful and sweet though:) Take care op

Thank you..... that means a lot... truly. ^^