am i a bad person for not wanting to stay sober

[nembutal]

i have 260 something days off every substances but none of them truly count because i have been in rehab for all of them. i was forced into a center in israel in march and i have to do another 6 months of sober living in florida or i get kicked onto the streets.

i always get questioned as to why i don't take the program seriously and i tell them the truth- that i want to die and im not interested in saving myself at this time. they told me they'd force me to stay until my mindset changes but i don't think it ever will. ive seen people come in off the streets and do full 180s but only because they had a motivating factor under their belt. i have no responsibilities, no children, and especially no promising future i can motivate myself to strive towards. it's so stressful being stuck in an environment i know will not help me no matter how much time i spend here. i feel most guilty for my moms 60k+ investment in this program and in me (she only makes 20k a year). i don't know what to do anymore. sober, not sober, id rather be dead either way. do i fake it until i leave and die then? kill myself here, in a foreign country?

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I think many addictions are a result of living in a sick and twisted society.
The vast majority of people are addicted to sitting in front of a TV set, or retail therapy and hundreds of other addictions because life is mostly painful, pointless and meaningless.
I'm sorry you are in such a position, especially regarding your mom. That's a tough one to be sure.
Some of us just simply don't want to exist in this dreadful world, yet trying to explain how we feel to others is often incredibly difficult.

 

[Aim]

You are absolutely not a bad person for not being able to stay sober. Addiction is an illness. And how you are describing your situation, is that you are very much trying, but it's more about a motivational question, maybe. I wouldnt be so hard on myself I was you. Things takes time sometimes! But do you have something in your life that you care about, or something that can give you some sense of feeling accomplishment, maybe?! Idk I am not a therapist, so i am not the one to say what is the best choice for you! But off course, it could be something to look into

 

[poached]

I have no responsibilities,..i feel most guilty for my moms 60k+ investment in this program and in me (she only makes 20k a year).

Would you feel guilty if you didn't think you had a responsibility to your mother?

One of the reasons I'm trying to hold on is for others.

 

[themisfell]

people don't realize that most people don't abuse just because they want to or that it's a simple compulsion. unfortunately, it takes other things getting better first for you to feel better, to want to stop abusing. it was a long, hard cycle for me to get off pills, i'm really sorry. if you ever want to pm about this, i can talk more about what I went through and maybe give you some advice-- I know you don't want to stop, but I'm sure a lot of things are still hard, I wish you the best.