This nerve pain in my jaw and arm has reached an unendurable level now.
I never get enough sleep, I can literally feel my sanity slipping, so I have no choice but to CTB before I completely lose it.
I'm having intrusive thoughts that are so debilitating that I can't run my life at all.
If I don't end it soon I'm going to end up in an insane asylum, which is probably worse than death.
I'm feeling a rising sense of panic and anxiety as I approach death by hanging. I have no choice. All I ever think about is suicide every minute of the day.
The word 'exhausted' doesn't do this justice.
And the nightmares I'm having are incredibly frightening.
I suffer a panic attack every time I wake up, and sometimes I awaken every hour and a half or so, multiple times a night.
I'm literally living in Hell.
TMJ at this level is absolutely horrific: terrifically loud tinnitus, sharp pains in my jaw, cheeks, lips and arm- like being stabbed/burned.
I should have had that molar root-canaled, not extracted, which I would have done if not for my Mother's recommendation (just have it out, you can get an implant later on).
Boy, what an incredibly painful lesson to learn...
My Mother is on her deathbed with pancreatic cancer. I'm hoping that my death will finish her off; she has been through so much- diabetes, heart disease, etc. She's been ill since I was 8 and is my only parent.
I wanted to outlast her so she doesn't have to witness my suicide, but I can't hold off any longer.
I love her so much and don't wanna live in a world without her anyway. This way neither or us will have to go on without the other- the grief will almost surely kill her.
My poor identical twin brother though... we're his only close family, and he's about to lose us both at once.
He was my best friend in the whole world, until I started getting really mentally unwell.
He refuses to acknowledge what's happening, and gets extremely angry when I mention that I'm nearing the end. I don't blame him though.
I'm afraid if he doesn't acknowledge the reality that I'm losing my mind we'll lose the chance to have one more time together.
One more reminisce of older, better times.
One more hug and an "I love you".
One more chance to tell him what a wonderful person he is. That I believe in him- his vision, intelligence...
This country is so stupid: I'm clearly deteriorating, why can't I simply be euthanised?
It's only adding to the grief that all my friends and family get to know that my last moments were spent thrashing at the end of a rope, scared out of my mind.
I could be blissfully pumped full of chemicals on my way out, slipping into a warm blanket of neurotransmitters.
But no, of course even the end of my life has to be needlessly traumatic.
All over a stupid fucking tooth. How bizarre and sad.
I have quite a lot of morphine, but don't want to use it as a method as I'm concerned that it won't work and I'll survive.
I might take an overdose before I hang myself though, to ease the suffering.
I really don't want to hang, but it's all I've got. Other option is Train, but I don't wish to damage the driver's psyche. I've got PTSD so I couldn't do that to him.
Also I'm really struggling with the guilt of leaving a Fatherless child; I met a girl who claimed to be infertile due to a health condition.
I explained to her how ill and suicidal I am, that it's incredibly important to me that she not get pregnant. It's against my antinatalist stance.
Also I grew up in a broken home with no Father and an incredibly sick Mother, and both my Brother and I suffered for it. So I would never want to do that to her or the child.
I also made sure to explain at length that it wasn't just a matter of my not wanting to parent- I actually physically can't, I'm far too unwell. This health problem is out of my hands- it isn't simply a matter of "trying harder".
So again I asked if she was ABSOLUTELY SURE she wasn't capable of conception, to which she assured me it wasn't an issue.
I even told her that if she got pregnant it would drive me to suicide out of guilt.
She seemed a really honest, trustworthy person.
Turns out a few weeks later she's pregnant. "can't get pregnant" became "didn't think I could get pregnant".
I didn't ask her if she thought she couldn't get pregnant, I made sure to ask that she was 100 PERCENT SURE she couldn't conceive, which at the time she assured me she was.
I screamed at her. I can't believe somebody would do that- make another person go through their own personal nightmare.
Of course she's keeping it too, so the poor kid can grow up in difficult conditions, knowing their Dad topped himself, with an ill Mum. Just like my upbringing, only worse.
Guess I held on for one more chance to have my wishes violated once again.
There really is no end to this shitstorm of a life, if you can even call it a life.
Thanks for listening. Wish me luck; I'm going tomorrow. Just one more sleep full of nightmares to go.
I'm holding on 'till tomorrow in the hopes of seeing my brother one more time. I love him so much.
I made it to 30, but God has it been hard. So very, very hard.
I never get enough sleep, I can literally feel my sanity slipping, so I have no choice but to CTB before I completely lose it.
I'm having intrusive thoughts that are so debilitating that I can't run my life at all.
If I don't end it soon I'm going to end up in an insane asylum, which is probably worse than death.
I'm feeling a rising sense of panic and anxiety as I approach death by hanging. I have no choice. All I ever think about is suicide every minute of the day.
The word 'exhausted' doesn't do this justice.
And the nightmares I'm having are incredibly frightening.
I suffer a panic attack every time I wake up, and sometimes I awaken every hour and a half or so, multiple times a night.
I'm literally living in Hell.
TMJ at this level is absolutely horrific: terrifically loud tinnitus, sharp pains in my jaw, cheeks, lips and arm- like being stabbed/burned.
I should have had that molar root-canaled, not extracted, which I would have done if not for my Mother's recommendation (just have it out, you can get an implant later on).
Boy, what an incredibly painful lesson to learn...
My Mother is on her deathbed with pancreatic cancer. I'm hoping that my death will finish her off; she has been through so much- diabetes, heart disease, etc. She's been ill since I was 8 and is my only parent.
I wanted to outlast her so she doesn't have to witness my suicide, but I can't hold off any longer.
I love her so much and don't wanna live in a world without her anyway. This way neither or us will have to go on without the other- the grief will almost surely kill her.
My poor identical twin brother though... we're his only close family, and he's about to lose us both at once.
He was my best friend in the whole world, until I started getting really mentally unwell.
He refuses to acknowledge what's happening, and gets extremely angry when I mention that I'm nearing the end. I don't blame him though.
I'm afraid if he doesn't acknowledge the reality that I'm losing my mind we'll lose the chance to have one more time together.
One more reminisce of older, better times.
One more hug and an "I love you".
One more chance to tell him what a wonderful person he is. That I believe in him- his vision, intelligence...
This country is so stupid: I'm clearly deteriorating, why can't I simply be euthanised?
It's only adding to the grief that all my friends and family get to know that my last moments were spent thrashing at the end of a rope, scared out of my mind.
I could be blissfully pumped full of chemicals on my way out, slipping into a warm blanket of neurotransmitters.
But no, of course even the end of my life has to be needlessly traumatic.
All over a stupid fucking tooth. How bizarre and sad.
I have quite a lot of morphine, but don't want to use it as a method as I'm concerned that it won't work and I'll survive.
I might take an overdose before I hang myself though, to ease the suffering.
I really don't want to hang, but it's all I've got. Other option is Train, but I don't wish to damage the driver's psyche. I've got PTSD so I couldn't do that to him.
Also I'm really struggling with the guilt of leaving a Fatherless child; I met a girl who claimed to be infertile due to a health condition.
I explained to her how ill and suicidal I am, that it's incredibly important to me that she not get pregnant. It's against my antinatalist stance.
Also I grew up in a broken home with no Father and an incredibly sick Mother, and both my Brother and I suffered for it. So I would never want to do that to her or the child.
I also made sure to explain at length that it wasn't just a matter of my not wanting to parent- I actually physically can't, I'm far too unwell. This health problem is out of my hands- it isn't simply a matter of "trying harder".
So again I asked if she was ABSOLUTELY SURE she wasn't capable of conception, to which she assured me it wasn't an issue.
I even told her that if she got pregnant it would drive me to suicide out of guilt.
She seemed a really honest, trustworthy person.
Turns out a few weeks later she's pregnant. "can't get pregnant" became "didn't think I could get pregnant".
I didn't ask her if she thought she couldn't get pregnant, I made sure to ask that she was 100 PERCENT SURE she couldn't conceive, which at the time she assured me she was.
I screamed at her. I can't believe somebody would do that- make another person go through their own personal nightmare.
Of course she's keeping it too, so the poor kid can grow up in difficult conditions, knowing their Dad topped himself, with an ill Mum. Just like my upbringing, only worse.
Guess I held on for one more chance to have my wishes violated once again.
There really is no end to this shitstorm of a life, if you can even call it a life.
Thanks for listening. Wish me luck; I'm going tomorrow. Just one more sleep full of nightmares to go.
I'm holding on 'till tomorrow in the hopes of seeing my brother one more time. I love him so much.
I made it to 30, but God has it been hard. So very, very hard.
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