bluesoapyskies
Member
- Aug 4, 2023
- 48
every now and then i have a lot of trouble falling asleep. this usually happens when memories of the past start to come up.
i was thinking back to what i wanted when i was a child. i feel like most people had something like an astronaut, doctor, fire fighter, etc. i cant remember having any strong career aspirations. even as an early teen in middle school, when most people start following a 'general' path. what i did remember though, is how badly i wanted to be loved. i was a very girly kid. i loved dressing up like a princess and i always believed that one day id find true love and what not. this makes the present all the more painful.
i dont believe ive ever truly been loved by anyone. ive had boyfriends and ive been with people and yet despite this, i was always second. i was always the girl youd date when you were bored, or because you couldnt date the person you actually wanted. or on the flip, i was okay enough to hook up with, but not go out with. the hook ups hurt alot because i was an insecure teenager and often times, these guys would be all sweet and charming to get in your pants, but once they were done, you were trash. i honestly just wish they would have asked straight up instead of acting all nice to get what they want. like dont give me false hope :,)
even with boyfriends. my latest relationship has hurt the most. its been hard to get over. i was his first for a lot of things, and after i had broken up with him, he tried reaching out to me a couple times in the following months. i mainly dismissed it, telling him he had to seriously change etc etc but one day it just stopped. i had come to found out that over the summer, he had meet some girls and had a fling with them. it makes me so emotional even writing this stuff because although its corny, this one stung hard. i truly believed this guy loved me. like soul mate type crap. i do believe that at one point he did love me, however it's a weird feeling because how can you know its 'true love' when its all youve ever known? its just the fact that he gave up. as soon as he was able to get laid by other people, he moved on. that tells me everything i need to know about myself. we broke up because i told him we needed to do more maturing, the both of us, and that i wanted him to get more experience. i didnt want to be his first AND his last. even i knew that was ridiculous.. its a long story that relationship ahah... but it really pains me.
man i really just wanted to feel loved for once in my life. i wanted to be the first option. ive been through enough relationships and enough people to know at this point that im just not special. it hurts, because i think back to my child self and i wish that i could her shown her so much more.
even though ive been in relationships, ive never actually received anything for valentines. even for my birthday, i had to beg my exes to buy me a gift. its pathetic and it makes me want to cry. i wish i could have given myself so much more. not for me, but for my younger self. i wish she could have found love.
i was thinking back to what i wanted when i was a child. i feel like most people had something like an astronaut, doctor, fire fighter, etc. i cant remember having any strong career aspirations. even as an early teen in middle school, when most people start following a 'general' path. what i did remember though, is how badly i wanted to be loved. i was a very girly kid. i loved dressing up like a princess and i always believed that one day id find true love and what not. this makes the present all the more painful.
i dont believe ive ever truly been loved by anyone. ive had boyfriends and ive been with people and yet despite this, i was always second. i was always the girl youd date when you were bored, or because you couldnt date the person you actually wanted. or on the flip, i was okay enough to hook up with, but not go out with. the hook ups hurt alot because i was an insecure teenager and often times, these guys would be all sweet and charming to get in your pants, but once they were done, you were trash. i honestly just wish they would have asked straight up instead of acting all nice to get what they want. like dont give me false hope :,)
even with boyfriends. my latest relationship has hurt the most. its been hard to get over. i was his first for a lot of things, and after i had broken up with him, he tried reaching out to me a couple times in the following months. i mainly dismissed it, telling him he had to seriously change etc etc but one day it just stopped. i had come to found out that over the summer, he had meet some girls and had a fling with them. it makes me so emotional even writing this stuff because although its corny, this one stung hard. i truly believed this guy loved me. like soul mate type crap. i do believe that at one point he did love me, however it's a weird feeling because how can you know its 'true love' when its all youve ever known? its just the fact that he gave up. as soon as he was able to get laid by other people, he moved on. that tells me everything i need to know about myself. we broke up because i told him we needed to do more maturing, the both of us, and that i wanted him to get more experience. i didnt want to be his first AND his last. even i knew that was ridiculous.. its a long story that relationship ahah... but it really pains me.
man i really just wanted to feel loved for once in my life. i wanted to be the first option. ive been through enough relationships and enough people to know at this point that im just not special. it hurts, because i think back to my child self and i wish that i could her shown her so much more.
even though ive been in relationships, ive never actually received anything for valentines. even for my birthday, i had to beg my exes to buy me a gift. its pathetic and it makes me want to cry. i wish i could have given myself so much more. not for me, but for my younger self. i wish she could have found love.
