The first thing to note is that I'm an alter too. When you have DID, every part of the person is an alter.
The second thing to note is that some people might have DID where they have 1 "host" who is like the "real person" and everyone else is more like a character or stereotype, but I don't have that sort of DID. Different alters have been the "main alter" for different parts of my life. I say "my life" just to not be confusing but it's really our life.
My other alter used to be the main alter for many years, but he developed a bad psychosomatic stutter and tics. I didn't have them, so I became the main alter. Problem solved, no one has to worry about the tics or stutter because now it doesn't happen in public. That alter just resigned himself to only existing in private, and having no public presence.
Before anyone asks this was years before tik tok and the recent plague of social media-induced mental illnesses, and I don't use any social media besides out-of-the-way forums like this.
So this alter has been basically completely isolated for the past seven years. And now he's just openly suicidal.
I think a big part of it is I've found that I love my career field, which is very public and requires a good deal of responsibility. If I was going into IT or something, maybe I would say, hey you know what, I can present with psychosomatic illnesses sometimes and everyone can go complain to HR if they want, it's a disability and they can go fuck themselves. But that's not possible with the line of work I'm in. And I don't want to change lines of work.
So there's no clear way this guy can have a life. Or it feels that way. He's also (understandably) terrified of being in public after nearly a decade of not being in public, so he isn't even really willing to try having a life.
I don't really experience anxiety or depression, I'm moderately successful in life, everything is looking up for me. I have these bizarre conversations with therapists because even when I tell them about my miserable alter, they don't want to talk about him or talk to him, they try to get me to mention alters as little as possible. I've seen so many therapists it's not even funny, so I know why that is- they don't know how to handle alters, or they're only used to people who randomly internet-dx themselves with alters and don't actually have DID, so it's best to just ignore all that and try to treat whatever they really do have going on. So I keep going to therapy and basically the therapists tell me I seem like a nice, successful, resilient guy. And I pay my 40 dollar copay and walk out like "wtf they won't help me." Because they won't ever talk to my alter. Who is too scared to go himself. And he's the fucker who wants to die. He doesn't hide that at all. He's tried to CTB several times in my life and even therapists tend to see that as some wacky fantasy thing and don't understand it was reality with our shared real body, even when I explicitly clarify. They get so bewildered. I don't really know what to say or what to do. I want help for my alters but no one will even try.
The second thing to note is that some people might have DID where they have 1 "host" who is like the "real person" and everyone else is more like a character or stereotype, but I don't have that sort of DID. Different alters have been the "main alter" for different parts of my life. I say "my life" just to not be confusing but it's really our life.
My other alter used to be the main alter for many years, but he developed a bad psychosomatic stutter and tics. I didn't have them, so I became the main alter. Problem solved, no one has to worry about the tics or stutter because now it doesn't happen in public. That alter just resigned himself to only existing in private, and having no public presence.
Before anyone asks this was years before tik tok and the recent plague of social media-induced mental illnesses, and I don't use any social media besides out-of-the-way forums like this.
So this alter has been basically completely isolated for the past seven years. And now he's just openly suicidal.
I think a big part of it is I've found that I love my career field, which is very public and requires a good deal of responsibility. If I was going into IT or something, maybe I would say, hey you know what, I can present with psychosomatic illnesses sometimes and everyone can go complain to HR if they want, it's a disability and they can go fuck themselves. But that's not possible with the line of work I'm in. And I don't want to change lines of work.
So there's no clear way this guy can have a life. Or it feels that way. He's also (understandably) terrified of being in public after nearly a decade of not being in public, so he isn't even really willing to try having a life.
I don't really experience anxiety or depression, I'm moderately successful in life, everything is looking up for me. I have these bizarre conversations with therapists because even when I tell them about my miserable alter, they don't want to talk about him or talk to him, they try to get me to mention alters as little as possible. I've seen so many therapists it's not even funny, so I know why that is- they don't know how to handle alters, or they're only used to people who randomly internet-dx themselves with alters and don't actually have DID, so it's best to just ignore all that and try to treat whatever they really do have going on. So I keep going to therapy and basically the therapists tell me I seem like a nice, successful, resilient guy. And I pay my 40 dollar copay and walk out like "wtf they won't help me." Because they won't ever talk to my alter. Who is too scared to go himself. And he's the fucker who wants to die. He doesn't hide that at all. He's tried to CTB several times in my life and even therapists tend to see that as some wacky fantasy thing and don't understand it was reality with our shared real body, even when I explicitly clarify. They get so bewildered. I don't really know what to say or what to do. I want help for my alters but no one will even try.
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