That's relatable. Matter of fact, I remember throwing a birthday party in middle school. An hour into the start of the party, nobody even showed up. I fucking cried on my stairs waiting for someone to knock on the door. Then an hour later one friend came, then a few more arrived too, and more came the second day.. but ever since that year it kinda just went downhill when it came to celebrating birthdays. Now I'm 21 and the last few years I've just not celebrated it and spent it alone or with family. But these days I'd rather be alone. I don't even tell anyone it's my birthday. Last birthday was basically alone.. my brothers came over to my parents house (where I currently live) uninvited, but I didn't hangout with them because during my birthday last year they just laughed at me for stupid reasons. Despite them all being there, I never felt more lonely. The same thing happens every time we go out to a restaurant to eat. Just a competition for who can bully me the most.
It's funny how you can be in a room FULL of people, yet still feel more alone then you do when you're by yourself.
Anyways, next birthday this winter I'm planning on making it a tradition to do do solo travel. I'm thinking of Costa Rica or something like that. I feel much more at peace just spending time by myself and I've learned to be incredibly selective with who I allocate my time to. Maybe I'm too quick to cut people out but I'd rather be alone / have a small circle of friends than be surrounded by people who suck the life out of me. Pause. No homo.
That's just my story though man, there's lot's of others like you too. I think therapy may be good for some, but if you've been going for 10 years and it hasn't gotten better I'm not sure if it's really helping in your case. There's been studies. And if you constantly put yourself in an environment that reaffirms your belief in your identity as someone who's suicidal, then your thoughts and actions will naturally lead you to match that identity. Same way people in "addiction support groups" maintain their identity as an addict by staying in those groups and surrounding themselves with other addicts. Additionally, 1/5 US soldiers got addicted to heroin in Vietnam.. yet when they where removed from the environment of Vietnam, their addiction struggled to stick around. Only those in the support groups who had their identity as an addict sustained, also happened to sustain their addiction to heroin. I know this is not the exact same for your case, but there are a few parallels and it may be possible to learn some lessons from the studies. It's hard to give you advice because I really don't know your whole situation. I don't know if you feel lonely because these people treat you bad, or if the thoughts just creep into your mind by themselves. But just know it's 100% natural to not feel happy on your birthday or on a holiday. And society creating that expectation of a perfect day just sets us up for failure. But anyways I hope there's at least something you can take away from this message. Or if you want, feel free to message me I'll be here for you.
Much love.
