Venting Alone and scared of it

[iwantrest]

As the years go on, people are falling out of my life steadily. My wife divorced me and I thought that was the hardest thing I could bear, as I practiced killing myself but didn't go all the way. I always thought I'd have my kids but they are all teenagers or older and are building their own lives now with friends and with their mom. My youngest, who is super special to me, is feeling distant lately. My oldest daughter I've never had a close relationship with and that has been very very painful for a long time. That relationship doesn't look fixable. My oldest son, who I thought I was close to, went off to college last fall and when he comes back for a school break he makes no effort to get together.

My kids mean far more than anything else to me and yet my kids prefer their mom. That hurts so so so much.

No one ever calls me or checks on me. I always feel like an outsider, just someone who's there.

I'm only in my early 40s and I'm facing maybe another 40 of more and more isolation and bearing the emotional pain of not having love reciprocated. I can't deal with being alone. I'm terrified and the hurt is too deep to describe. I feel an immense amount of pain at being abandoned or rejected by the people who mean the most to me.

I've battled deep seated depression since I was a teenager and I think it's finally going to win. I've got nothing to live for if I'm alone and I no longer just want to be dead but it actually makes me happy to think about. It's something I even crave sometimes. Everlasting peace.

 

[downndone2]

I completely feel your pain. Mid 40s, husband left me when I went crazy, lost a business, tons of money, etc. I threw my life away on some pretty shitty decisions several yrs ago.
I don't have many people around.. few friends that feel obligated to txt grown kids, and a few friends I message. Might see one to two people a month and o don't even enjoy that. I isolate myself completely due to awful anxiety after all that happened. I did get a job, but afraid of fucking that up. I lay down every night hoping I dont wake up....

You are welcome to DM me, just know I'm negative on the daily.

 

[FuneralCry]

You just cannot trust and rely on people in this hellish world and that is simply the reality. It sounds really painful what you have to endure, life really is so unnecessarily cruel, and of course it's very much understandable just wanting peace from all the suffering. I wish you the best.

 

[trist]

i'm much younger than you so i have much less experience, but i know how bad it feels to be lonely and treated like nothing. i always try to convince myself that it's for the better and that i don't need anyone, but sadly i can't deny the fact that humans are a social species and therefore rely on contact with others. i hope you'll find peace in whatever way works for you.

 

[Ki_Nam]

If I ever hit 40, that means I lived too long.

 

[iwantrest]

I completely feel your pain. Mid 40s, husband left me when I went crazy, lost a business, tons of money, etc. I threw my life away on some pretty shitty decisions several yrs ago.
I don't have many people around.. few friends that feel obligated to txt grown kids, and a few friends I message. Might see one to two people a month and o don't even enjoy that. I isolate myself completely due to awful anxiety after all that happened. I did get a job, but afraid of fucking that up. I lay down every night hoping I dont wake up....

You are welcome to DM me, just know I'm negative on the daily.

Thanks, that's nice of you. I'm very sorry you have to feel it too.

You just cannot trust and rely on people in this hellish world and that is simply the reality. It sounds really painful what you have to endure, life really is so unnecessarily cruel, and of course it's very much understandable just wanting peace from all the suffering. I wish you the best.

Thank you, that's kind. I hope you find peace as well.

If I ever hit 40, that means I lived too long.

I think I would have done it long ago if I hadn't been so afraid of dying. I have had good years but most have been unhappy to miserable due to anxiety, depression, and extreme sensitivity to other people's actions and feelings in my relationships.

i'm much younger than you so i have much less experience, but i know how bad it feels to be lonely and treated like nothing. i always try to convince myself that it's for the better and that i don't need anyone, but sadly i can't deny the fact that humans are a social species and therefore rely on contact with others. i hope you'll find peace in whatever way works for you.

This really speaks to me. I have had friends and family but have always considered myself a loner. But as more and more people have exited my life, I've come to the scary realization that, as you say, we are wired to be social to at least some extent and that I don't have a social life and never will.

 

[orca87]

As the years go on, people are falling out of my life steadily. My wife divorced me and I thought that was the hardest thing I could bear, as I practiced killing myself but didn't go all the way. I always thought I'd have my kids but they are all teenagers or older and are building their own lives now with friends and with their mom. My youngest, who is super special to me, is feeling distant lately. My oldest daughter I've never had a close relationship with and that has been very very painful for a long time. That relationship doesn't look fixable. My oldest son, who I thought I was close to, went off to college last fall and when he comes back for a school break he makes no effort to get together.

My kids mean far more than anything else to me and yet my kids prefer their mom. That hurts so so so much.

No one ever calls me or checks on me. I always feel like an outsider, just someone who's there.

I'm only in my early 40s and I'm facing maybe another 40 of more and more isolation and bearing the emotional pain of not having love reciprocated. I can't deal with being alone. I'm terrified and the hurt is too deep to describe. I feel an immense amount of pain at being abandoned or rejected by the people who mean the most to me.

I've battled deep seated depression since I was a teenager and I think it's finally going to win. I've got nothing to live for if I'm alone and I no longer just want to be dead but it actually makes me happy to think about. It's something I even crave sometimes. Everlasting peace.

Oh wow, this feels so relatable to me.
I am 36 now, just a bit younger than you are.

And you've come further in life than me. I don't even have kids or ever married.

You are quite new here, so I cannot send a PM to you. If you want, you can bump your post score by replying to the forum games in the off topic section.

I would really like to talk to you — since were in the same boat.

 

[Challu]

As the years go on, people are falling out of my life steadily. My wife divorced me and I thought that was the hardest thing I could bear, as I practiced killing myself but didn't go all the way. I always thought I'd have my kids but they are all teenagers or older and are building their own lives now with friends and with their mom. My youngest, who is super special to me, is feeling distant lately. My oldest daughter I've never had a close relationship with and that has been very very painful for a long time. That relationship doesn't look fixable. My oldest son, who I thought I was close to, went off to college last fall and when he comes back for a school break he makes no effort to get together.

My kids mean far more than anything else to me and yet my kids prefer their mom. That hurts so so so much.

No one ever calls me or checks on me. I always feel like an outsider, just someone who's there.

I'm only in my early 40s and I'm facing maybe another 40 of more and more isolation and bearing the emotional pain of not having love reciprocated. I can't deal with being alone. I'm terrified and the hurt is too deep to describe. I feel an immense amount of pain at being abandoned or rejected by the people who mean the most to me.

I've battled deep seated depression since I was a teenager and I think it's finally going to win. I've got nothing to live for if I'm alone and I no longer just want to be dead but it actually makes me happy to think about. It's something I even crave sometimes. Everlasting peace.

Honestly, if you're not willing to be THIS vulnerable with your kids and wife, why would you ever expect them to change the way they think about you? Your kids could have so many repressed and uncomfortable feelings about your divorce/separation that they've been holding for YEARS. Have you talked to them about it? Sincerely?

If you want them in your life DO SOMETHING to let them know you care about their lives, their opinions, their emotions.

It's easy to complain that noone loves you. Noone is loved automatically. People dont work like that.

Your kids and wife will never step out of their bounds with you. You create emotional, physical boundaries with the decision you make and the effort you give into raising your family. Dads who aren't dialed into their kids and dont lead the family will be viewed as ineffectual by the family members. All your family can do is respect the boundaries and these boundaries have now resulted in the loneliness that you experience.

Ask yourself if you really care about your family enough to be willing to sincerely reconnect with everyone. Or, are you lazy? Are you too depressed to give a shit? If so, don't complain about them. Your family followed your lead. If you did right by your kids, divorce or no divorce, they wouldn't ignore you.

 

[iwantrest]

Oh wow, this feels so relatable to me.
I am 36 now, just a bit younger than you are.

And you've come further in life than me. I don't even have kids or ever married.

You are quite new here, so I cannot send a PM to you. If you want, you can bump your post score by replying to the forum games in the off topic section.

I would really like to talk to you — since were in the same boat.

Thanks for the suggestion. I'd like to message you and some others so I'm going to get on that.

 

[Challu]

Just ignore my post. Seek "help" from users who have the same give-up mentality.

Well, we all want to give up. But you regret not being close to your family, why can't you resolve yourself to reconcile yourself to them?

Please don't use them to justify ctbing.. you're the Dad. You can fix it if you care enough.