Almost fucking died

[Arrow]

Not much of a story. In short, I almost fucking drowned. Luckily I didn't actually lose consciousness under the water but it was pretty bad. Throat and lungs hurt afterward, felt very light headed. There were some nice people nearby who helped me up and sat next to me while I "came back".

I've never almost died before. That was the closest I've ever been.

You're probably wondering what the point of me talking about this is. My point is that it's without a doubt the worst feeling in the world, something I would not wish on even my worst enemy. Looking back, it's actually crazy to me that people could even want others to die, it's so terrible.

Here I was thinking I might be better of killing myself, what with being on this forum and expressing such feelings, etc., but that moment has changed me in a fundamental way. I guess it would be hard to explain since it's more of a feeling than anything else, but when you're about to die, you fight with everything inside of yourself to not let it happen. You kick, swim, and push with all of your strength to get back to the surface and breathe in that air.

And I realize now that the only thing worse than going through something like that again would be to go through something like that again, but not be able to save myself.

And that is something I never thought I would say.

To think that life is full of so many ultimately inconsequential worries that push people to that edge is insane because once you're about to fall, it's like a fog is lifted and you realize you MUST persevere and carry on because persevering and carrying on is truly all there is when you're a bio organism.

Dying is basically the antithesis of pretty much any experience you could ever want to have. The fact that people end up in that experience and do not escape is now extremely unsettling to me, and it's a thought that is likely to keep me up at night now.

Maybe some people still think that Death is peace. I don't know, it could be; I have no longer have any confidence in any ideas I had about what Death is, but if you have to go through Hell to get there then I want nothing to do with it. Honestly the scariest thing about nearly dying was feeling unsure as to whether or not I had actually survived, even after I got out of the water.

Moral of the story is, I not only don't want to die now, but I'm terrified of dying now. I'd want to keep living even if it meant I had to turn into a worm or a crab or something. I'd want to live even if I had to be an amoeba or a fly. Yes, my life is still shitty, but I'd take a hundred years of shitty life over ever getting that close to death again. I'll live as a dirty little bug for 200 years if I can avoid that.

Didnt think i'd ever get to this point but I genuinely want to live and stay alive now. Crazy that I had to almost die just to be able to honestly say that but I guess sometimes you gotta learn shit the hard way.

 

[whatevs]

I don´t think chronic illness or being lonely for years on end (replaceable by many other deep and lasting sorrows) are 'inconsequential worries' but it´s good that you faced Death and saw how strong your survival instinct is. Ultimately this will not be enough to make life worthwhile, at least not to me and to many others. Life for life´s sake is not what people are looking for, that´s what Maslow´s pyramid is for... Just being at the base of the pyramid isn´t enough to make most people feel like their life is worth shit, you need to be at least in the middle, with some slivers of 'love/belonging' going on, or directly skip to 'Esteem'.

Not to mention drowning is one of the worst ways to die in my humble opinion, of course that nobody reasonable would want to experience that.

 

[Arrow]

I don´t think chronic illness or being lonely for years on end (replaceable by many other deep and lasting sorrows) are 'inconsequential worries'

I totally understand this perspective (even being the asocial/schizoidish person that i am), but post nearly dying I unironically believe that that those are inconsequential worries, from my perspective at least.

I guess i'll explain it like this (not trying to be all pro lifey or anything): When you're at the edge there is no "oh but i was so lonely" or "dammit i was so sad". when you're basically at the edge of everything you realize that you must find a way to keep moving simply because that is what life is at its core. to live is to persevere and push through hardship with no regard for anything or anyone else, because you realize that you'll have nothing if you don't.

And as for maslow's triangle thing, I guess i don't really care much for it anymore or take it very seriously now. I feel like I just realized my life is a stage performance because i looked around the curtain and saw all the technicians and electronic equipment keeping the theatre up and running, and now a fellow character in the play is trying to convince me his stuffed horse needs water and that it's really important that he gets water. it's trivial matter in my eyes now. "self fulfillment"? if i can get up tomorrow and not end up submerged in water, get something tasty to eat, do something fun or hang out with a friend, that will be my "self fulfillment". not sure what respect or admiration or intimacy truly mean anymore, and if I am without them I'll be perfectly fine.

 

[Tesha]

If you're sure that living is your aim now, you might want to get medically checked out.

There's something called secondary drowning, which can cause death several days after inhaling water and seemingly being ok.

I wish you all the best in your new found drive for life.

 

[Arrow]

If you're sure that living is your aim now, you might want to get medically checked out.

There's something called secondary drowning, which can cause death several days after inhaling water and seemingly being ok.

I wish you all the best in your new found drive for life.

Well that's extremely unsettling. I don't have any symptoms of having water in my lungs, and I feel perfectly fine now. But yeah I'll go get checked out just to be safe. Thanks for the heads up on this.

 

[whatevs]

I totally understand this perspective (even being the asocial/schizoidish person that i am), but post nearly dying I unironically believe that that those are inconsequential worries, from my perspective at least.

I guess i'll explain it like this (not trying to be all pro lifey or anything): When you're at the edge there is no "oh but i was so lonely" or "dammit i was so sad". when you're basically at the edge of everything you realize that you must find a way to keep moving simply because that is what life is at its core. to live is to persevere and push through hardship with no regard for anything or anyone else, because you realize that you'll have nothing if you don't.

And as for maslow's triangle thing, I guess i don't really care much for it anymore or take it very seriously now. I feel like I just realized my life is a stage performance because i looked around the curtain and saw all the technicians and electronic equipment keeping the theatre up and running, and now a fellow character in the play is trying to convince me his stuffed horse needs water and that it's really important that he gets water. it's trivial matter in my eyes now. "self fulfillment"? if i can get up tomorrow and not end up submerged in water, get something tasty to eat, do something fun or hang out with a friend, that will be my "self fulfillment". not sure what respect or admiration or intimacy truly mean anymore, and if I am without them I'll be perfectly fine.

Mods! This guy is mocking my suffering with some metaphor that characterizes it as a stuffed horse! I will not stand silent with this travesty! My stuffed horse REALLY needs water, and without water, that horse will die!

But really, Fumito, no. This psychologist, Maslow, made the pyramid because psychology shows there are things that are needed for life to be bearable. Most people that end up in this forum are lacking something that´s essential or feels essential, and this guy tried to synthetize in hierarchical groups humans needs, I´m assuming that if you lack enough of them you will kill yourself.

Also 'hang out with a friend' means you have acquired some footing into 'love and belonging', which is at the middle of the 'human satisfaction ladder'.

You are fortunate that being exposed to death made you realize that your suffering wasn´t/didn´t feel worthy of self-deletion, but this might simply be a fleeting reaction. Whatever that brought you here 2 years ago already hasn´t evaporated into thin air because you discovered how strong the fear of death is. I also will likely not kill myself because of fear of death, but I sure acknowledge that my life has been very miserable and dark, and it can get worse.

Really, it ´s a tough spot. Killing yourself sucks, I agree with you in that, but living a troubled and minimized existence also sucks. Self-improvement seems like the only option that isn´t a pile of shit.

I guess if you really succeed at lowering expectations and focusing on simple pleasures that could work too.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

Not much of a story. In short, I almost fucking drowned. Luckily I didn't actually lose consciousness under the water but it was pretty bad. Throat and lungs hurt afterward, felt very light headed. There were some nice people nearby who helped me up and sat next to me while I "came back".

I've never almost died before. That was the closest I've ever been.

You're probably wondering what the point of me talking about this is. My point is that it's without a doubt the worst feeling in the world, something I would not wish on even my worst enemy. Looking back, it's actually crazy to me that people could even want others to die, it's so terrible.

Here I was thinking I might be better of killing myself, what with being on this forum and expressing such feelings, etc., but that moment has changed me in a fundamental way. I guess it would be hard to explain since it's more of a feeling than anything else, but when you're about to die, you fight with everything inside of yourself to not let it happen. You kick, swim, and push with all of your strength to get back to the surface and breathe in that air.

And I realize now that the only thing worse than going through something like that again would be to go through something like that again, but not be able to save myself.

And that is something I never thought I would say.

To think that life is full of so many ultimately inconsequential worries that push people to that edge is insane because once you're about to fall, it's like a fog is lifted and you realize you MUST persevere and carry on because persevering and carrying on is truly all there is when you're a bio organism.

Dying is basically the antithesis of pretty much any experience you could ever want to have. The fact that people end up in that experience and do not escape is now extremely unsettling to me, and it's a thought that is likely to keep me up at night now.

Maybe some people still think that Death is peace. I don't know, it could be; I have no longer have any confidence in any ideas I had about what Death is, but if you have to go through Hell to get there then I want nothing to do with it. Honestly the scariest thing about nearly dying was feeling unsure as to whether or not I had actually survived, even after I got out of the water.

Moral of the story is, I not only don't want to die now, but I'm terrified of dying now. I'd want to keep living even if it meant I had to turn into a worm or a crab or something. I'd want to live even if I had to be an amoeba or a fly. Yes, my life is still shitty, but I'd take a hundred years of shitty life over ever getting that close to death again. I'll live as a dirty little bug for 200 years if I can avoid that.

Didnt think i'd ever get to this point but I genuinely want to live and stay alive now. Crazy that I had to almost die just to be able to honestly say that but I guess sometimes you gotta learn shit the hard way.

I just came across this and am wondering now that some time has passed: how do you feel about everything now? I tried scanning through your posts to see what it is that's brought you here to begin with, but I don't seem to be able to see much beyond your kind of indirectly referencing your troubles which in this post you kind of say aren't too significant. I also see that you're only 20, and am just asking for some perspective on whatever answer you give: as was alluded to already, how a young person with situational depression feels after coming close to death may be read very differently from someone twice your age with a laundry list of debilitating and incurable illnesses.

Either way I hope you are well.

 

[SarRy]

I'm happy that you've found a way to embrace life and I wouldn't wish to take that from you.
My near death experiences were rather peaceful, even in drowning. I have never loved life and death seems to call for me. I speak only to call for continued sympathy and understanding of the experiences of different people.
Also, it is natural that at some point in life a person would acquaint themselves with a darker view of life in order to accept their own mortality. When this stage occurs in time with disease or old age, we take it for granted. It is only when this mental stage is entered in an abnormal time that we call it diseased itself. But, that somewhat stems from the ingrained value placed on living whereby anything which goes against the promotion and propagation of life as being bad, diseased, or undesirable.

 

[Arrow]

I just came across this and am wondering now that some time has passed: how do you feel about everything now? I tried scanning through your posts to see what it is that's brought you here to begin with, but I don't seem to be able to see much beyond your kind of indirectly referencing your troubles which in this post you kind of say aren't too significant. I also see that you're only 20, and am just asking for some perspective on whatever answer you give: as was alluded to already, how a young person with situational depression feels after coming close to death may be read very differently from someone twice your age with a laundry list of debilitating and incurable illnesses.

Either way I hope you are well.

Hah almost forgot I made this thread. Every now and then when things get difficult I'll think back to this event and go, "I guess I'm lucky to still be here" or something along those lines. It doesn't happen very often but I'll just realize how much I take for granted every day, random simple things. These days things have been better for me in general which is why I'm not as active as I used to be. I tend to look at problems as challenges to my ability enjoy life, and I keep them in mind as challenges made for me to make my way through. I guess you could say I look at suffering as more of a feature of life rather than a bug, but I also am privileged enough to not have any disabilities or illnesses. Even if I did I hope that I'd be able to see things this way.

I'm more appreciative of this illusion/dream we call life, because really that's what it is. This might seem a little off topic, but I started to take a Biology class, and I was dumbfounded by how cells operate, what they do, how they organize into multicellular organisms, etc. Of course, I'd already known humans are made of cells (no shit. who doens't know that?) but it struck me that "I" am almost certainly nothing more than a colony of related eukaryotic mindless diploid creatures that orchestrate a giant "organism". No individual part of me is aware of anything---not even the cells in my brain have any "awareness". In a sense, there is no way to sufficiently answer the question as to what "I" am, or what life is, or if any of us are who we appear to be. And the fact that there are so many mysteries to this fragile dream scattered everywhere, and so much meaning to be made of it, is a very special thing. It's easy to forget how truly awesome (awe inspiring, not necessarily 'good') life is when it is difficult, but understanding the difficulty as just another part of an impossible dream helps me remember.

I've realized also that the most powerful tool in the universe is not any weapon made by man, but rather the perspective through which you view life. Understandably this sentiment can be a difficult one to agree with, but as unbelievable as it seems, we truly are the masters of our life story, the writers of the books that tell our tales. How we frame it determines what it is, I have discovered. The physical aspects of the world are suggestions of how to tell the story, but they don't actually tell much of anything. You are not even a physical thing, there is no way to properly pinpoint what you are, you are just the result of a brain's process (or so it appears, at least).

I guess the most important thing I learned from dying is how to put things into perspective, and that even if I can't control reality I can decide on what it is, what it means, and what in it is valuable to me. And because of that I am not currently interested in dying, as I have not been for a number of months now. Perhaps, however, this will change. Hopefully not.