All over the place

[TengoK]

I know this won't exactly be the most revelatory post you've ever read on here, but as I get closer to when I hope to CTB, and all my various bits and pieces get delivered (in my case that's SN, acid reducers, antiemetic and soon - hopefully - some benzos) my moods have just gone absolutely berserk. In the morning I'll be sure that I want to do it, in the afternoon I'll suddenly be uncertain, in the evening I'll be absolutely against it, and as I go to sleep I find myself hoping I might just die during the night. I wrote my final note to friends today - okay, more of an epic actually - and I feel like I'm now counting and not counting the days. Trying to work and do stuff but equally feeling "what's the point?"

 

[Volatile]

Ambivalence is a bitch

 

[FroggMan]

Man i'm constantly all over the place, and then I feel like I'm going insane in so many ways. Like I'm walking around concussed in a hellish dreamworld...

 

[Anarchy]

I feel similarly. Sometimes I feel quite apathetic about it. Sometimes I feel happy about it. Earlier today, I felt absolutely devasted and scared about it. Now I feel at peace and excited about it.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Man i'm constantly all over the place, and then I feel like I'm going insane in so many ways. Like I'm walking around concussed in a hellish dreamworld...

I feel the same …. sometimes I feel dead inside sometimes very emotional. It sucks. :(

 

[Pk95]

I am already dead inside.. I have to act as if I am fine. I hate talking to people . For me, I have to put much efforts to manage that I am ok.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I am already dead inside.. I have to act as if I am fine. I hate talking to people . For me, I have to put much efforts to manage that I am ok.

I don't mind talking to people on here but I hate talking to people irl. I would rather be alone.

 

[Ampsvx123]

Sleeping is so enjoyable, I love the feelings under my blankets, dreaming of an another world, life, family tree and most of all, my everlasting smile.

It's tough to hang oneself, especially late at night where one is one step from the bed and from the comfort only found in dreaming.

Sadly, I still wake up in this hopeless world every morning, still have to weep all this lonely time away until night and slumber finally come visit me, fortunately, they always do, then, I get to smile, I get to dream again.

 

[TengoK]

Sleeping is so enjoyable, I love the feelings under my blankets, dreaming of an another world, life, family tree and most of all, my everlasting smile.

That's beautifully put, yes. Sleep is my refuge at the moment, completely. I keep dreaming that I won't wake up. That would be such a blissful way to go.

 

[Oblivion]

i feel you, since i found out that there's a local SN source here, my mood got up, i'm feeling so good that i don't wanna kill myself anymore, fucking crazy eh? i'm so happy that i'm going to end my life that i don't wanna end it anymore, fucking stupid.

 

[TengoK]

i feel you, since i found out that there's a local SN source here, my mood got up, i'm feeling so good that i don't wanna kill myself anymore, fucking crazy eh? i'm so happy that i'm going to end my life that i don't wanna end it anymore, fucking stupid.

Nah, completely get it. My SN arrived first of all the things I needed, so I was up. Then there were delays with the acid reducer and the antiemetic so my mood plunged, now my benzos are on the way but haven't definitely arrived yet, so I'm uncertain. Then - for a change - I've had an okay day today so I kind of wonder if I want to ctb anymore. Basically, I'm screaming into my brain - "WILL YOU JUST FUCKING DECIDE?!!" Ugh.