All I see are dead-ends

[loser404badjoke]

I can't cope with my lost adolescence and youth. Around when I was 14 years old my life basically went to complete shit in multiple ways. Since then I spend like 15 years imprisoned at home by an illness. Sure life wasn't great beforehand but at least I was allowed to struggle

I'm managed to reach out and get help. Life has been improving the past few years. It's just what's the point?! I'm a broken person. I don't have an identity, I'm drugged with antidepressants to keep me stable and my whole worldview has been not only tainted by horrible experiences but wish fulfillment fiction I have been glued to for all those years.

I'm 30 years old and still can't work full-time. What's left for me? Working a dead-end job then coming to an empty apartment to consume entertainment media, then repeat this until I die?

The antidepressants keep me complacent. Ive had to take ashwagandha, which for some reason makes me depressed and suicidal to face my real feelings. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[Linda]

Can you get off the anti-depressants? What will happen if you stop taking them?
Is it worth taking some risks to see if you can break out of your present situation? Of course, that could go horribly wrong, but you would have to weigh that danger against the danger of doing nothing and continuing much as you are now.
It seems to me that you have two options. (1) Continue with your slow improvement, and see if it gets you to the point where life is worth living; or (2) Go for broke. If you try (2) and it fails, you may be left with no choice but to ctb.
I don't know what is the right choice for you. You will have to figure that out for yourself.

 

[astonishedturnip]

Ive had to take ashwagandha, which for some reason makes me depressed and suicidal to face my real feelings.

Linda gave all the advice I would have, but let me add: Along with maybe tapering or switching to a new AD, I would cut back on the ashwagandha tbh, it does help people but it's been widely known to cause depression and suicidal thoughts in others. I only use it to knock me the FUCK out right before a nap. Inducing negative emotions in yourself will not take you to any meaningful point in recovery.

 

[loser404badjoke]

Thanks for the advice. I already went off medication in the past and I had a complete breakdown not long after. Ultimately it did more than good though. I changed antidepressants afterwards. I like the new ones much more. Anyway...

gets you to the point where life is worth living

I don't think it is worth living anymore. Where to even begin? I can't actually put into words well. All I did is suffer and make others suffer. My views on life were distorted by fiction. At the same time I held onto the memories from before everything went to shit. Too bad this world has changed so drastically since then... I don't like it at all.

I always used to joke about killing myself. I even considered doing it in the past, but this time is different. I'd love to keep on living if I was 14 years old again or at least 20, not 30. My parents are elderly, my job prospects are trash, I'm old, so bitter and lonely.

Whenever I think of killing myself I tear up. I don't want to die but there's nothing left for me. Nothing brings me joy, I'm always in a rush to catch up. Not that I have managed to accomplish anything despite that. Whenever I see couples or teens or worse teen couples on the street I almost start to cry.

Therapy doesn't help either... I'll never be able to accept it. Honestly I'd rather have had a nice youth and died in my 30s, then live like this. At least I wouldn't have become the loser I am now...

 

[Linda]

Whatever you decide to do, we are here for you. All I will say for now is: Don't act impulsively. Take your time, and think it through.