Venting Alcohol fixes things for a night

[itsmeagain]

I keep thinking back to last weekend. I went over to the only friend who understands what it's like to be in this depressive rut. To be in this screwed up mess. The only difference is that he isn't on board, nor would he support my suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't ask anyone that knows me that closely to.

But when I went to his house, I drank for the first time in my life. I've always been that poster child that said "I'll never drink! Drinking is awful!"because through all my life my loss my depression, I've never been this low. I'm underage by a few months, and it's awful, because now, I feel like I found the one thing that parts the clouds for just a little bit.

I drank just enough I felt like I had a nice massage. my limbs were loose but my head was as clear as it was now.

But the problem with being a kindhearted, friendly therapist-like friend with these morals of never drinking

is that now I can't get my hands on any alcohol if I wanted to. All my friends will be like "You're drinking! Whoa that's awesome! Why? And why do you need so much?" And they'll never understand that it's the only medication I can have that'll help me. Drinking is bad, yes, but I'm hardly even drinking to get drunk. I'm drinking to feel like I have some control over how I feel. I don't see myself always needing it either, I just want to be able to maybe live a bit longer for the people who need me.

I have no idea how I'm going to make it through this week. Every moment is hard, every day is agony. I can't focus I can't feel good, and It's horrible. I'm supposed to see that friend next week and I was able to mention to him that I wanted to take a bottle home with me...

But then I'm not going to see him for a long time. I have no idea how I'm going to find parties on campus and act like I belong, or anything. Especially not in the middle of the week.

Am I just not supposed to last these few months until I'm 21...?

Damn.

 

[mesohappy]

I felt similar when I was 20..Now 23 years later,I look back at all the unecessary harm and carnage caused in my life due to my relationship with alcohol and I feel even more stupid and depressed..I see that in the long run,it made shit so much worse instead of better,but I couldn't see it at the time.Im not trying to preach though,pro choice right?Just telling my story.Whatever gets you through the night to see another day.

 

[Flippy]

Alcohol can feel like a nice warm hug, particularly when you are in a rut like you say. I would be careful seeking out it's antidepressant effects as it's depressive effects can be far greater. Nothing wrong with the occasional drink but when you are using alcohol to dull the pain or feel better you risk forming a habit that could make things worse. Don't mean to be all preachy and I know I am being, but you are new to alcohol and it can get hard to know your limit. Everything in moderation is my 2 cents.

 

[itsmeagain]

Alcohol can feel like a nice warm hug, particularly when you are in a rut like you say. I would be careful seeking out it's antidepressant effects as it's depressive effects can be far greater. Nothing wrong with the occasional drink but when you are using alcohol to dull the pain or feel better you risk forming a habit that could make things worse. Don't mean to be all preachy and I know I am being, but you are new to alcohol and it can get hard to know your limit. Everything in moderation is my 2 cents.

I understand how you feel. I'm not looking to become a drunk. I have people I need to help until i CTB. The thing is, it can't really get worse than this. I've stared into death and hell and when you do that, not much scares you anymore. I hope I'm not coming off as hostile to your response, I'm just trying to explain myself, you know?

I felt similar when I was 20..Now 23 years later,I look back at all the unecessary harm and carnage caused in my life due to my relationship with alcohol and I feel even more stupid and depressed..I see that in the long run,it made shit so much worse instead of better,but I couldn't see it at the time.Im not trying to preach though,pro choice right?Just telling my story.Whatever gets you through the night to see another day.

I responded to another person and mentioned something similar to this. Pro choice is interesting and I know this isn't a pro alcohol choice drinking forum, I'm just trying to, like you said, live another day, you know. Delay my time until I CTB

 

[Flippy]

No don't worry, you definitely aren't hostile :-) I just worry a little about the temptation to self medicate with alcohol. I was guilty of this when I was a kid, the UK I suspect had some pretty lax attitudes to underage drinking at the time. By the time I was 19 I hated the stuff but occasionally drank due to feeling too wound up or just because of the pressure from others. Because I was essentially trying to self medicate I would drink too much, but usually far less than others ironically. But the problem was that it was making me more depressed in reality. It's a strange beast is alcohol! :-/

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

I miss alcohol. (8 years sober) I use to love the warmth because it felt like a warm embrace that I was missing.

 

[S1mpleme]

I keep thinking back to last weekend. I went over to the only friend who understands what it's like to be in this depressive rut. To be in this screwed up mess. The only difference is that he isn't on board, nor would he support my suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't ask anyone that knows me that closely to.

But when I went to his house, I drank for the first time in my life. I've always been that poster child that said "I'll never drink! Drinking is awful!"because through all my life my loss my depression, I've never been this low. I'm underage by a few months, and it's awful, because now, I feel like I found the one thing that parts the clouds for just a little bit.

I drank just enough I felt like I had a nice massage. my limbs were loose but my head was as clear as it was now.

But the problem with being a kindhearted, friendly therapist-like friend with these morals of never drinking

is that now I can't get my hands on any alcohol if I wanted to. All my friends will be like "You're drinking! Whoa that's awesome! Why? And why do you need so much?" And they'll never understand that it's the only medication I can have that'll help me. Drinking is bad, yes, but I'm hardly even drinking to get drunk. I'm drinking to feel like I have some control over how I feel. I don't see myself always needing it either, I just want to be able to maybe live a bit longer for the people who need me.

I have no idea how I'm going to make it through this week. Every moment is hard, every day is agony. I can't focus I can't feel good, and It's horrible. I'm supposed to see that friend next week and I was able to mention to him that I wanted to take a bottle home with me...

But then I'm not going to see him for a long time. I have no idea how I'm going to find parties on campus and act like I belong, or anything. Especially not in the middle of the week.

Am I just not supposed to last these few months until I'm 21...?

Damn.

I understand you. I started to drink recently, I've never drink before. Honestly it doesn't really help, I just hope that would be my trigger to CTB.

 

[itsmeagain]

No don't worry, you definitely aren't hostile :-) I just worry a little about the temptation to self medicate with alcohol. I was guilty of this when I was a kid, the UK I suspect had some pretty lax attitudes to underage drinking at the time. By the time I was 19 I hated the stuff but occasionally drank due to feeling too wound up or just because of the pressure from others. Because I was essentially trying to self medicate I would drink too much, but usually far less than others ironically. But the problem was that it was making me more depressed in reality. It's a strange beast is alcohol! :-/

I'm not going to lie, I haven't had much experience. All I know is that it helped me, and if it ever didn't, I'd probably stop. I know it's too much money to invest in something that'll make things worse. Even though things are... kind of bad as they get. I want to CTB on my own terms I suppose. I'm glad you didn't take anything the wrong way. PS. Are you able to PM me? I don't know if mine are enabled.

I miss alcohol. (8 years sober) I use to love the warmth because it felt like a warm embrace that I was missing.

My god. Eight years. That's a lot of years. I'm so happy for you that you've been going so long without it. I hope my hugs or hugs from someone important to you reach you in some strange way. <3

I understand you. I started to drink recently, I've never drink before. Honestly it doesn't really help, I just hope that would be my trigger to CTB.

It's weird. I expected to be afraid of alcohol like I always was. I was terrified for the longest time. "I don't want this because I know if I start, I'd just be a flat out alcoholic because my life is hell." But, the difference is, it's already hell. There would be no point. Most people drink because its a reprieve and even if it makes them feel worse, they can forget the next day. If it stops working, then I'll stop drinking. Just... CTB on my own terms.

 

[faust]

Well, many people I used to know were enjoying their time with alcohol.
Same was to me. But I understood one thing. Alcohol does not solve all the problems you face in your life. It is just a postponement. Alcohol only creates an illusion that everything is okay, that's why there should not be any space for alcohol abuse. Furthermore, if you are suicidal, you can make impulsive decisions when drunk and it may lead to failed suicide attempt. In real life I had an example of such an occurrence. A girl had a party and decided to CTB drowning in the pool. It is not even worth to say that she didn't succeed. So if you would like to avoid things like that, do not drink too much if you know you may have a blackout. And by the way, do not listen to what people say if they are trying to instigate you or shame. It is your life and only you can decide what to do and what not to.
P.S. If you are willing to have a party, then you can always take a look into schedule of teen/adult parties in your town/city. Or at least ask anybody. Piece

 

[Ghost2211]

I feel you. Man, I could go for some weed. Havent smoked since I had kids, and waiting for them to grow up.. it is legal where I live though.

 

[itsmeagain]

Well, many people I used to know were enjoying their time with alcohol.
Same was to me. But I understood one thing. Alcohol does not solve all the problems you face in your life. It is just a postponement. Alcohol only creates an illusion that everything is okay, that's why there should not be any space for alcohol abuse. Furthermore, if you are suicidal, you can make impulsive decisions when drunk and it may lead to failed suicide attempt. In real life I had an example of such an occurrence. A girl had a party and decided to CTB drowning in the pool. It is not even worth to say that she didn't succeed. So if you would like to avoid things like that, do not drink too much if you know you may have a blackout. And by the way, do not listen to what people say if they are trying to instigate you or shame. It is your life and only you can decide what to do and what not to.
P.S. If you are willing to have a party, then you can always take a look into schedule of teen/adult parties in your town/city. Or at least ask anybody. Piece

I suppose, but I wouldn't know where to find such a schedule. There isn't going to be anything posted because any college or adult parties will have weed which isn't legal where I am. Plus, I can't ask any of my friends because of my poster child status. It's really hard. But thank you for the warning. I know that I can control how much I drink. I don't plan to party or drink during the morning. Only before I go to sleep or if I'm around someone I trust.

I feel you. Man, I could go for some weed. Havent smoked since I had kids, and waiting for them to grow up.. it is legal where I live though.

I think that's amazing. You're holding out on some of your pain for the betterment of your kids. You're so much better than a lot of people I know in that regard. I mean, everyone has their struggles, and if done in control, i think it's not AWFUL, but to not let it consume you when you have people that count on you so hard like that... Respect

 

[Flippy]

PS. Are you able to PM me? I don't know if mine are enabled

I can try :-)

 

[Ghost2211]

I think that's amazing. You're holding out on some of your pain for the betterment of your kids. You're so much better than a lot of people I know in that regard. I mean, everyone has their struggles, and if done in control, i think it's not AWFUL, but to not let it consume you when you have people that count on you so hard like that... Respect

Thank you <3 I'm a lightweight it makes me really derpy, and super happy. Cant imagine taking care of them like that. Also, it would glorify it for them.

 

[itsmeagain]

Thank you <3 I'm a lightweight it makes me really derpy, and super happy. Cant imagine taking care of them like that. Also, it would glorify it for them.

That's so important that you're working on it. I hope you find what you need in order to be happy without it or until you can get to a safe respectful place to indulge in a manner that's right for you

 

[Flippy]

Tried to PM you @itsmeagain but there's no option for me to? Maybe your PM facility hasn't been activated yet? Maybe try to flag down a moderator if they should have been enabled by now :-)

 

[faust]

I suppose, but I wouldn't know where to find such a schedule. There isn't going to be anything posted because any college or adult parties will have weed which isn't legal where I am. Plus, I can't ask any of my friends because of my poster child status. It's really hard. But thank you for the warning. I know that I can control how much I drink. I don't plan to party or drink during the morning. Only before I go to sleep or if I'm around someone I trust.

I think that's amazing. You're holding out on some of your pain for the betterment of your kids. You're so much better than a lot of people I know in that regard. I mean, everyone has their struggles, and if done in control, i think it's not AWFUL, but to not let it consume you when you have people that count on you so hard like that... Respect

What do you think about drinking on your own? Or it should definitely be somebody hanging out with you?

 

[Backwood_tilt]

I just want to be able to maybe live a bit longer for the people who need me.

i think on behalf of these people you should try to find a healthier coping mechanism. Just because it is generally unhealthy to drink, but also as noted because of its depressant functions. In addition, it can make you more impulsive about suicide, which obviously you don't want. If even alcohol is inaccessible to you then honestly i think you are stuck with options like exercising, yoga, meditating, etc....

It also sounds like you aren't really up front with your friends about how you are feeling, if you think they have all these expectations of you that are wildly different from your daily lived experience.

But the problem with being a kindhearted, friendly therapist-like friend with these morals of never drinking

Is this what you think of yourself? It honestly sounds kinda narcissistic, but i'm also worried that youre putting undue pressure to be someone/something else other than your true self. It's okay to be sad, it is okay to be vulnerable, and it is okay to let people know how you are really feeling.

Do you have access to a therapist of any kind, through school or maybe if you have health insurance that covers it? This is where i would start. build a safe space where you can share your true feelings, and see what it's like to have someone potentially validate and acknowledge your experiences. If not, the right friend can do this for you, too. You may not get the right response the very first time, but you have to power through and keep trying to find THAT person who IS going to listen and make you feel heard. And make you feel better about how you feel.

I'm not that much older than you but i still want to say - you're young. Things can really change, for the better. I'm wishing you find the peace and happiness you need to keep you in a better headspace.

 

[Pan]

I started downing beers after my wife's death a year ago...never drank like I do now. While I know it is only beer, a six pack daily knocks me flat.

 

[itsmeagain]

Tried to PM you @itsmeagain but there's no option for me to? Maybe your PM facility hasn't been activated yet? Maybe try to flag down a moderator if they should have been enabled by now :-)

I'm not quite sure how to do it. This is the first forum I've ever used. How do I do that?

What do you think about drinking on your own? Or it should definitely be somebody hanging out with you?

I can do either. I know that if I drink on my own I can manage myself. I just can't... GET the alcohol. Like I said, good poster child would have to be fucked in order to want alcohol, and of couse, none of his friends would give him any because they don't knowhow bad it really is.

 

[squirtsoda]

No one looks to become a drunk but here I am. Varying periods of sobriety but as of last week I'm off the rails for the first time since my coma. This usually spells doom.

 

[itsmeagain]

i think on behalf of these people you should try to find a healthier coping mechanism. Just because it is generally unhealthy to drink, but also as noted because of its depressant functions. In addition, it can make you more impulsive about suicide, which obviously you don't want. If even alcohol is inaccessible to you then honestly i think you are stuck with options like exercising, yoga, meditating, etc....

It also sounds like you aren't really up front with your friends about how you are feeling, if you think they have all these expectations of you that are wildly different from your daily lived experience.



Is this what you think of yourself? It honestly sounds kinda narcissistic, but i'm also worried that youre putting undue pressure to be someone/something else other than your true self. It's okay to be sad, it is okay to be vulnerable, and it is okay to let people know how you are really feeling.

Do you have access to a therapist of any kind, through school or maybe if you have health insurance that covers it? This is where i would start. build a safe space where you can share your true feelings, and see what it's like to have someone potentially validate and acknowledge your experiences. If not, the right friend can do this for you, too. You may not get the right response the very first time, but you have to power through and keep trying to find THAT person who IS going to listen and make you feel heard. And make you feel better about how you feel.

I'm not that much older than you but i still want to say - you're young. Things can really change, for the better. I'm wishing you find the peace and happiness you need to keep you in a better headspace.

I'm not being narciccistic. It hurt a little to come off as that. This is what OTHER people think of me. I suppose I should have made that more clear. I've always been the person that wanted everyone to have what he didn't. It's really how everyone else described me. It's how my friends always said "Yeah. HIM go to a party? Yeah RIGHT." Because they think of me as such an upstanding person. I was for a while, and then I've fallen. I've tried therapy already but now I don't really see the point. I am locked down to only a few people in my life. None of them understand, support, tolerate, or think that how I think is somewhat reasonable. I'll get the same jargon that I've gotten from everyone else.

I understand you're just trying to help. It just seems like the things you recommend, the things you say are things that so many other people have said before. I'm sure you can imagine my slight disdain.

No one looks to become a drunk but here I am. Varying periods of sobriety but as of last week I'm off the rails for the first time since my coma. This usually spells doom.

That sounds very difficult, especially since you've been in a coma. Would you like to discuss it?

 

[Flippy]

I'm not quite sure how to do it. This is the first forum I've ever used. How do I do that?

I'm actually not too sure myself lol! Other forums I've been in have usually pretty much had one in the thread. I will see if I can find out for you...

 

[itsmeagain]

I started downing beers after my wife's death a year ago...never drank like I do now. While I know it is only beer, a six pack daily knocks me flat.

I know someone who does the same thing. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through. I suppose since some of us are in the same feelings, in the same thread, I may have an inkling of an idea of how you feel. My heart goes out to you in your time of pain.

I'm actually not too sure myself lol! Other forums I've been in have usually pretty much had one in the thread. I will see if I can find out for you...

Awww. Thank you so much

 

[Flippy]

Ok I think I know how you can get a moderator or staff attention. Try posting in the feedback forum on the SS homepage. First check your profile settings just in case you have accidentally switched PM off or something. I think you should be able to catch an appropriate members attention in the feedback forum. :-)

 

[Backwood_tilt]

I'm sure you can imagine my slight disdain.

Totally. Sorry, i made an assumption based on you describing your age and what i assume is the average experience.

Even if you can't find someone else to confide these thoughts in, you have a community like this. There are many, many people here who will listen to you talk about all this stuff and relate to you about it without judging you for it or threatening to throw you into a psych ward.

Because they think of me as such an upstanding person. I was for a while, and then I've fallen.

Are you okay with that?

I ask this because i have a pretty bad history of doing bad things to people close to me, and it makes me feel like i am a bad person at the end of the day. And that makes me feel like shit. But i've slowly learned to be more accepting of myself, and not to think of myself as "just" a bad person. I am a person. I have bad parts, and good parts. You do too. But sometimes we get so consumed with the "bad" parts of ourselves that we forget about that.

Again, i apologize (in advance) if this is all stuff you've already considered. But you've already made up your mind to try and keep on living, and I really feel (perhaps i shouldnt) that this community should try and help you stay on that path.
Also, about account privileges please read the rules and faq megathread:

How can I create a thread, send a PM to a user, or join the chat?
The permissions to create a thread, send and receive PMs, and to use the chatroom will be granted automatically after you post a certain secret number of times and are active for at least 24 hours. This is to avoid spam and abuse of accounts.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/rules-and-faq.4/

 

[itsmeagain]

Ok I think I know how you can get a moderator or staff attention. Try posting in the feedback forum on the SS homepage. First check your profile settings just in case you have accidentally switched PM off or something. I think you should be able to catch an appropriate members attention in the feedback forum. :-)

Thank you! I just checked my settings and I couldn't find it anywhere. I'll ask right now. I'll be sure to PM you

 

[squirtsoda]

I'm not being narciccistic. It hurt a little to come off as that. This is what OTHER people think of me. I suppose I should have made that more clear. I've always been the person that wanted everyone to have what he didn't. It's really how everyone else described me. It's how my friends always said "Yeah. HIM go to a party? Yeah RIGHT." Because they think of me as such an upstanding person. I was for a while, and then I've fallen. I've tried therapy already but now I don't really see the point. I am locked down to only a few people in my life. None of them understand, support, tolerate, or think that how I think is somewhat reasonable. I'll get the same jargon that I've gotten from everyone else.

I understand you're just trying to help. It just seems like the things you recommend, the things you say are things that so many other people have said before. I'm sure you can imagine my slight disdain.

That sounds very difficult, especially since you've been in a coma. Would you like to discuss it?

I had a 99% successful attempt in November, (was slightly buzzed during the attempt). I was drinking over 1 liter of bourbon per day, sometimes 1.75. Method was amitriptyline overdose mixed with some other stuff. Ended up with an anoxic brain injury, about 20% of my brain died. When I first started drinking it was never to dull any pain or trauma. But I'm a big guy so I always consumed a lot. Never a bad drunk. Always a social drinker. But then something happened where I brought booze home to release the tension of a trauma or drink alone for depression. And the quantities grew massive, and the mental health issues get magnified. To the point where withdrawal requires hospitalization due to DTs and seizures. I would just advise extreme caution. ESPECIALLY if you're diagnosed bipolar or think you may have bipolar disorder. People with bipolar disorder belong nowhere near chemicals that alter neurotransmitters like dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, or cortisone.

 

[Flippy]

Thank you! I just checked my settings and I couldn't find it anywhere. I'll ask right now. I'll be sure to PM you

You're welcome :-) Maybe the PM facility hasn't been activated yet, I think you have to have a certain number of posts before that happens but I think they should have been enabled by now :-)

 

[itsmeagain]

Totally. Sorry, i made an assumption based on you describing your age and what i assume is the average experience.

Even if you can't find someone else to confide these thoughts in, you have a community like this. There are many, many people here who will listen to you talk about all this stuff and relate to you about it without judging you for it or threatening to throw you into a psych ward.



Are you okay with that?

I ask this because i have a pretty bad history of doing bad things to people close to me, and it makes me feel like i am a bad person at the end of the day. And that makes me feel like shit. But i've slowly learned to be more accepting of myself, and not to think of myself as "just" a bad person. I am a person. I have bad parts, and good parts. You do too. But sometimes we get so consumed with the "bad" parts of ourselves that we forget about that.

Again, i apologize (in advance) if this is all stuff you've already considered. But you've already made up your mind to try and keep on living, and I really feel (perhaps i shouldnt) that this community should try and help you stay on that path.
Also, about account privileges please read the rules and faq megathread:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/rules-and-faq.4/

It's okay. I was really worried about the response. I try to be civil because everyone goes through their own stuff, and people can get aggressive when they can't help someone they need. I'm trying to speak to people on the site and vent here. I feel a safeness I haven't felt in a long time.

And... well, it's not that I'm a cruel person now. That's the one part of myself I can't change. But there's honestly no worries.

And... I haven't really made my mind up to keep living. That's another thing. People take these small bursts of positivity as resolution. Honestly, no matter how much I smile at people or how polite or caring I am for others, it really doesn't resolve anything. I just... I don't know. Right now, I want the alcohol to stop the pain, because the pain doesn't go away unless i'm drinking nowadays. But I know there will come that I can't keep running. to CTB... It'll happen eventually.

I had a 99% successful attempt in November, (was slightly buzzed during the attempt). I was drinking over 1 liter of bourbon per day, sometimes 1.75. Method was amitriptyline overdose mixed with some other stuff. Ended up with an anoxic brain injury, about 20% of my brain died. When I first started drinking it was never to dull any pain or trauma. But I'm a big guy so I always consumed a lot. Never a bad drunk. Always a social drinker. But then something happened where I brought booze home to release the tension of a trauma or drink alone for depression. And the quantities grew massive, and the mental health issues get magnified. To the point where withdrawal requires hospitalization due to DTs and seizures. I would just advise extreme caution. ESPECIALLY if you're diagnosed bipolar or think you may have bipolar disorder. People with bipolar disorder belong nowhere near chemicals that alter neurotransmitters like dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, or cortisone.

Jesus. This is absolutely terrifying. I can't imagine what this is like. It's quite something that you've joined a community like this. This is why I'm afraid of the attempts. I want something solid, and I have a few plans to get something solid that this won't happen. I really hope you're pushing towards your idea of happiness.. my concerns and thoughts go out to you, and if/when I get PM's enabled, i'm more than happy to talk.

You're welcome :-) Maybe the PM facility hasn't been activated yet, I think you have to have a certain number of posts before that happens but I think they should have been enabled by now :-)

I sent a request out to that forum. Thank you. I really appreciate it.

You're welcome :-) Maybe the PM facility hasn't been activated yet, I think you have to have a certain number of posts before that happens but I think they should have been enabled by now :-)

I skipped over a part of someone else's post that didn't load, and it appears that it's because it hasn't been 24 hours. Message you tomorrow then