i'll say upfront that this will probably end up being a frantic stream of consciousness, sorry in advance.
i wanted to be dead before/by november 14th, and yet here i am. i had possibly the worst 3-4 months of my life m, each day waking up and waiting to die. i was too much of a pussy to do anything permanent, only dipping my toes into the idea of partial hanging. i used my bedroom door (fairly tall, which helped,) to secure a belt to a height where i could kneel onto my desk chair, hoping that i'd pass out and sit fully/collapse further down to die. i even rolled up socks to increase pressure on my arteries and take pressure off of my windpipe. i really didn't want it to hurt. they worked okay but i never went all the way with it, i kept getting too scared. it also didn't help to have to rip the tape holding the socks in place off of the hairs on my neck afterwards, slightly painful at best and demeaning at worst.
since then, i've still had no contact with my ex boyfriend, who acted as the catalyst for all of this along with underlying issues that have been prevalent my whole life, and it pains me deeply nearly every day. admittedly, i had a few weeks to a month where i was slightly more successful. i did well in school, getting 5 a's and 2 b's, tried to interact with my friends more, stayed on my meds, etc. now, though, things have gotten weird with my ex again (weirdly purposeful hints being given through his social media profile and him unblocking me in general) and winter break has started to destroy me once again. my college doesn't have a great fall break, so we get a pretty long winter break instead. i'm about halfway through it now. i'm an art+art ed major, so having projects and deadlines and expectations to meet helped me to stay mentally active, even if i didn't emotionally feel productive, i had projects and papers to show for my time and effort. of course, now that's all gone and will be for nearly another month. anyways, those two problems combined haven't been good for me.
i've also cut off the only parent i really had, my mom. there were lots of issues but they piled up immensely while i was at my worst. she somehow made my potential suicide about her, making herself into a victim and trying to convince me that she was finding way to help me, when in fact they only benefited her. she still reaches out, but in that same selfish manner. "merry christmas, i wish we could've spent the day together," and other passive guilt tripping. she also called the police on me for a second time, knowing how hurtful it had been the first. luckily, i wasn't admitted the second time, but was still genuinely traumatic. that was the day i gave up on her, as she did with me.
the only people i really have in my life are my friends, which i am of course grateful for but can only do so much to make my life feel important. i've been stretching myself thin trying to be around over break, making plans, taking different modes of public transportation here and there, but no one's ever come to me. i live alone in the apartment that my ex and i picked out together, and where he was supposed to be moving into right now, actually, in preparation for our second semester. still, i am alone.
i say all of this because despite being better on paper, i knew i was never going to feel better. the only thing that could possibly improve my life is to reconnect with my ex. i miss him so incredibly deeply. he has such a hard, terrible life and i truly just wanted to help him and make him happy. i have theories that because of all of his hardships, he left me because it was the only thing he could easily change, but regardless of the reasons he left both of us in worse places and has yet to have to face the consequences of those actions. he has not looked me in the face since the day he left, back in september. i tried before to say goodbye to him, seeming as he's the only person i've felt genuine love from, but he kept saying how "i wasn't going to do it because i haven't yet" and that "i never did, this happens every time." i have been suicidal for as long as i can remember. i do not threaten it, i get scared of what will happen. it's felt inevitable for years upon years, and still i am not taken seriously.
i've tried my best to get better. i've done everything that's been suggested to me. nothing works. i am absolutely disposable, as much as no one wants to admit it. i ahve no true purpose, no drive to be someone better than i am today. i know it's impossible. all i need now is the power to go through with everything. i will not leave a note. i will not clean my apartment. i just need to die before i have to see another year pass with no accomplishments, no progress, no purpose. i'm so, so tired. i don't know what i'm going to do, but i can be sure that whatever happens, people won't find my body for days, maybe even weeks. i've had enough periods of going without talking to people where it won't be worrying.
now, i write this in my shower. the water is warm on my back. i've teared up multiple times since beginning this post, but i can't distinguish the tears from the water. my right wrist is covered in my own snot, not helped by the cold i'm getting over. there's a one hundred dollar bill from a christmas card sent from my mom in my kitchen, along with an unopened copy of tears of the kingdom that she bought me for my birthday back in august. my art supplies and recent projects are strewn about in my living room. my computer has been charging for a week and has gone untouched. christmas presents from my friends lie in a bag on the floor.
nothing will change once i am gone, only once i am found and my belongings packed up and shipped away, making room for the next potential renter. my friends and family will mourn. i know it will hurt them. i know i will hurt them. despite that, i need to do what is best for me. this is not an easy decision by any means, but i genuinely cannot continue.
i've lived for 19 years, 3 months, and 8 days. i loved my friends, my cats both passed and living, art, and most of all, my ex boyfriend. if he reads this, he'll know who he is if he can see my username. if you are seeing this, i'm sorry baby and i want you to know that you made the time i had with you incredible. i miss you every day. i'm sorry i didn't have the balls to reach out to you one last time.
goodbye everyone.
i wanted to be dead before/by november 14th, and yet here i am. i had possibly the worst 3-4 months of my life m, each day waking up and waiting to die. i was too much of a pussy to do anything permanent, only dipping my toes into the idea of partial hanging. i used my bedroom door (fairly tall, which helped,) to secure a belt to a height where i could kneel onto my desk chair, hoping that i'd pass out and sit fully/collapse further down to die. i even rolled up socks to increase pressure on my arteries and take pressure off of my windpipe. i really didn't want it to hurt. they worked okay but i never went all the way with it, i kept getting too scared. it also didn't help to have to rip the tape holding the socks in place off of the hairs on my neck afterwards, slightly painful at best and demeaning at worst.
since then, i've still had no contact with my ex boyfriend, who acted as the catalyst for all of this along with underlying issues that have been prevalent my whole life, and it pains me deeply nearly every day. admittedly, i had a few weeks to a month where i was slightly more successful. i did well in school, getting 5 a's and 2 b's, tried to interact with my friends more, stayed on my meds, etc. now, though, things have gotten weird with my ex again (weirdly purposeful hints being given through his social media profile and him unblocking me in general) and winter break has started to destroy me once again. my college doesn't have a great fall break, so we get a pretty long winter break instead. i'm about halfway through it now. i'm an art+art ed major, so having projects and deadlines and expectations to meet helped me to stay mentally active, even if i didn't emotionally feel productive, i had projects and papers to show for my time and effort. of course, now that's all gone and will be for nearly another month. anyways, those two problems combined haven't been good for me.
i've also cut off the only parent i really had, my mom. there were lots of issues but they piled up immensely while i was at my worst. she somehow made my potential suicide about her, making herself into a victim and trying to convince me that she was finding way to help me, when in fact they only benefited her. she still reaches out, but in that same selfish manner. "merry christmas, i wish we could've spent the day together," and other passive guilt tripping. she also called the police on me for a second time, knowing how hurtful it had been the first. luckily, i wasn't admitted the second time, but was still genuinely traumatic. that was the day i gave up on her, as she did with me.
the only people i really have in my life are my friends, which i am of course grateful for but can only do so much to make my life feel important. i've been stretching myself thin trying to be around over break, making plans, taking different modes of public transportation here and there, but no one's ever come to me. i live alone in the apartment that my ex and i picked out together, and where he was supposed to be moving into right now, actually, in preparation for our second semester. still, i am alone.
i say all of this because despite being better on paper, i knew i was never going to feel better. the only thing that could possibly improve my life is to reconnect with my ex. i miss him so incredibly deeply. he has such a hard, terrible life and i truly just wanted to help him and make him happy. i have theories that because of all of his hardships, he left me because it was the only thing he could easily change, but regardless of the reasons he left both of us in worse places and has yet to have to face the consequences of those actions. he has not looked me in the face since the day he left, back in september. i tried before to say goodbye to him, seeming as he's the only person i've felt genuine love from, but he kept saying how "i wasn't going to do it because i haven't yet" and that "i never did, this happens every time." i have been suicidal for as long as i can remember. i do not threaten it, i get scared of what will happen. it's felt inevitable for years upon years, and still i am not taken seriously.
i've tried my best to get better. i've done everything that's been suggested to me. nothing works. i am absolutely disposable, as much as no one wants to admit it. i ahve no true purpose, no drive to be someone better than i am today. i know it's impossible. all i need now is the power to go through with everything. i will not leave a note. i will not clean my apartment. i just need to die before i have to see another year pass with no accomplishments, no progress, no purpose. i'm so, so tired. i don't know what i'm going to do, but i can be sure that whatever happens, people won't find my body for days, maybe even weeks. i've had enough periods of going without talking to people where it won't be worrying.
now, i write this in my shower. the water is warm on my back. i've teared up multiple times since beginning this post, but i can't distinguish the tears from the water. my right wrist is covered in my own snot, not helped by the cold i'm getting over. there's a one hundred dollar bill from a christmas card sent from my mom in my kitchen, along with an unopened copy of tears of the kingdom that she bought me for my birthday back in august. my art supplies and recent projects are strewn about in my living room. my computer has been charging for a week and has gone untouched. christmas presents from my friends lie in a bag on the floor.
nothing will change once i am gone, only once i am found and my belongings packed up and shipped away, making room for the next potential renter. my friends and family will mourn. i know it will hurt them. i know i will hurt them. despite that, i need to do what is best for me. this is not an easy decision by any means, but i genuinely cannot continue.
i've lived for 19 years, 3 months, and 8 days. i loved my friends, my cats both passed and living, art, and most of all, my ex boyfriend. if he reads this, he'll know who he is if he can see my username. if you are seeing this, i'm sorry baby and i want you to know that you made the time i had with you incredible. i miss you every day. i'm sorry i didn't have the balls to reach out to you one last time.
goodbye everyone.
You have quite literally nothing left to lose at this point.
