nuva
"I'm blue da ba dee dabba da-ee"
- Jul 7, 2025
- 130
Last summer, I came here looking for a best way to die. This summer I want to learn how to live.
Man, I was so stupid for being scared to come back to the site, but I ended up telling my friend about SaSu(if he sees this, I think he'll recognize me, but whatever) so he could find support too, and I decided to log back into my account(jeez I miss it). The last time I was here, I was in the 'middle depressive episode' and had already made two failed attempts. I thought that by leaving SaSu, I could stop reminding myself of my condition, but in reality, I just cut myself off from people who actually can understood me.
For a few months, while antidepressants kept failing me one after another and I started getting reckless with money and other things that made me feel like I was on an emotional rollercoaster, I thought I was getting better and started getting skeptical of my psychiatrist's recommendations. When I was prescribed yet another new medication that might cause weight gain, I stopped taking my pills in April. Then in June, on some random day, I just grabbed every pill I could find, bought a bottle of beer, and took myself on one last walk while washing down handfuls of tablets. It was spontaneous, and luckily my body reacted and made me throw up. In July, according to my friends, I had a psychosis that lasted a whole month. My dermatillomania also got really bad around then, I literally mutilated my body(my arms and legs are in wounds/scars). I feel like I'm still feeling the aftermath of that paranoia and the voices in my head. I don't know why it started or what it even was—was it really psychosis? Anyway, ironically, July was when I almost died without even planning to: I was so scared of the mockery and threats from those voices that I thought if I took pills in the middle of the room where they could "see" it through hidden cameras, they'd leave me alone. I'll never forget that evening—it was like I was watching from outside as my body slowly shut down. And, universe, I don't know WHY my body turned out to be so resilient, but I woke up the next morning perfectly fine.
I couldn't forget the thought that ran through my head in that moment: "Shit, I don't want to die right now." Compared to winter, I'm feeling like my depression almost disappeared. But the echoes of this summer won't let me live in peace. I don't want to tell any professionals about any of this, and I'm too ashamed that others saw me in that state, and I really scared my friends.
How do I avoid falling into those depressive and "psychotic" episodes again? I really don't want to end up in those states again. I want to start thinking about the future, making plans, and not having that voice in the back of my mind saying, "Well, if things go wrong, I can always just die".
Man, I was so stupid for being scared to come back to the site, but I ended up telling my friend about SaSu(if he sees this, I think he'll recognize me, but whatever) so he could find support too, and I decided to log back into my account(jeez I miss it). The last time I was here, I was in the 'middle depressive episode' and had already made two failed attempts. I thought that by leaving SaSu, I could stop reminding myself of my condition, but in reality, I just cut myself off from people who actually can understood me.
For a few months, while antidepressants kept failing me one after another and I started getting reckless with money and other things that made me feel like I was on an emotional rollercoaster, I thought I was getting better and started getting skeptical of my psychiatrist's recommendations. When I was prescribed yet another new medication that might cause weight gain, I stopped taking my pills in April. Then in June, on some random day, I just grabbed every pill I could find, bought a bottle of beer, and took myself on one last walk while washing down handfuls of tablets. It was spontaneous, and luckily my body reacted and made me throw up. In July, according to my friends, I had a psychosis that lasted a whole month. My dermatillomania also got really bad around then, I literally mutilated my body(my arms and legs are in wounds/scars). I feel like I'm still feeling the aftermath of that paranoia and the voices in my head. I don't know why it started or what it even was—was it really psychosis? Anyway, ironically, July was when I almost died without even planning to: I was so scared of the mockery and threats from those voices that I thought if I took pills in the middle of the room where they could "see" it through hidden cameras, they'd leave me alone. I'll never forget that evening—it was like I was watching from outside as my body slowly shut down. And, universe, I don't know WHY my body turned out to be so resilient, but I woke up the next morning perfectly fine.
I couldn't forget the thought that ran through my head in that moment: "Shit, I don't want to die right now." Compared to winter, I'm feeling like my depression almost disappeared. But the echoes of this summer won't let me live in peace. I don't want to tell any professionals about any of this, and I'm too ashamed that others saw me in that state, and I really scared my friends.
How do I avoid falling into those depressive and "psychotic" episodes again? I really don't want to end up in those states again. I want to start thinking about the future, making plans, and not having that voice in the back of my mind saying, "Well, if things go wrong, I can always just die".
