After gaining access to methods, I feel better.

[arcadia]

The desperation is gone, I truly feel at ease. I feel like I can choose how to navigate my future. It feels like a safety net, like I've gained some sort of control over myself. I know that I can leave with minimal difficulty whenever I so choose to. But I've decided to see things out, the past few months have been an emotional period for me, one fraught with challenges and pain I haven't felt before. I know that my judgement right now isn't the best, and that life can also pivot in the opposite direction. Just a series of ups and downs, when thought of like that, it all seems kinda pointless. But in a way I find that beautiful, I feel like if I get out of this episode, there's truly nothing I cant do. Truthly, I'm quite young and I have a lot of growing to do. This doesn't mean that life'll suddenly improve, or that my issues will be healed with time and effort. But it does mean that theres some hope for me, I've always just wanted a normal life. I don't need blazing highs without the lows, I just want the stability and general sense of satisfaction. If I manage to achieve that, then I've done it. I've beaten this. At certain points, everything can feel dark and bleak. And it very well may be. I've considered ctb time and time again but I wrestle with this idea of giving up on my future. Because, thats it you know? When you're gone, you're gone. And I don't know if I'm ready to truly give up on that. With that being said, I'm going to take a break from posting here. To whoever has seen my emotionally charged drivel, thank you. I just needed an outlet and assurance that I could leave when I choose to. It's a comforting thought. But now I'll wait for a response from CAHMS or whatever its called, and see if I can get better. Thank you all, I may browse this forum but I wont be posting (I hope). Just wanted to get these thoughts out there, I wish you all the best in navigating either the end of your life or deciding what to do. This forum honestly saved me, the panic of navigating how exactly I would go about dying bred impulsivity. (What if I get caught, I must do this now ect.) It's what sorta galvanised my last attempt. These resources you all provide and the judgement free atmosphere allowed for me to think about death itself, and consider what to do. I truly owe you all. Thank you.

 

[HadItAll]

Having methods ready can actually extend your life and help not to make rash impulsive decisions to end your life in a brutal and easily accessible way out of desperation and uncertainty.

I'm so looking forward to having multiple methods ready. But it's such a long road ahead.

 

[jodes2]

Well done with your progress I have my SN ready now for when the time comes too. It helps to be able to move on with things

 

[FuneralCry]

It's very much understandable as to why you would feel relieved at having a way to free yourself from this existence, as feeling trapped here with no way to escape really can be so horrible. But anyway, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[TAW122]

I'm happy to hear that for you, and yes, I could relate to a similar feeling back in 2018, when I had direct access to my method. I felt relieved knowing that I can check out on a whim at just about anytime at my own choosing. While I haven't had access to my method anymore (at least directly), due to life circumstances and of course the pandemic changing my living situation (since 2020), I felt the existential dread of having to bide time and endure sentience until I get another chance in the future. I know that I am planning to die young than to live to senior age as (even if things are well off in life) I certainly do not wish to be in a position where I lose my capabilities and become reliant on others. It's not about whether others feel burden or not, but about not having to lose independence nor suffer unnecessarily.

Anyways, I'm glad that you are more at peace now and I hope you will find peace in whatever decision you take in the future.

 

[arcadia]

Lol, my family went through my room when I wasn't home, found everything and confiscated it all. This feels like some sort of sick joke. I just dont get it. I hid stuff inside mattresses, hell I even tore apart the internals of an old xbox and hid a blade in there but they took that too for some reason. I don't even know how they knew about that one, they found the rope hidden at the bottom of a suitcase, the antiemetics I had hidden in some old pillow at the back of the closet. It's all gone. I can probably get the AE back by saying its for sickness but I feel like I'll never be able to pull it off in a peaceful way

 

[leeloosnow]

wow that sucks im rly sorry :(

 

[buyersremorse]

dude... so sorry. TF made them think they could go through your stuff like that? that actually sucks. i hope things get better for you.

 

[missingpeace]

Oh no, that is so disappointing, all that effort and it's all gone. They must know all your hiding spots.

 

[arcadia]

Oh no, that is so disappointing, all that effort and it's all gone. They must know all your hiding spots.

I don't know how they knew about the xbox, I was sure that it was an impossible hiding spot. They might've confiscated it because it is a games system, so maybe I can get it back. Regardless, I just exchanged some games at a store and used the money to buy another rope. I just don't know where to hide it

 

[DrivenSneeze1]

I don't know how they knew about the xbox, I was sure that it was an impossible hiding spot. They might've confiscated it because it is a games system, so maybe I can get it back. Regardless, I just exchanged some games at a store and used the money to buy another rope. I just don't know where to hide it

is it possible that they're spying on you in some way? it sounds really strange how they found out about all the hiding places just like that, just something to consider. regardless sorry that happened to you :/

 

[arcadia]

is it possible that they're spying on you in some way? it sounds really strange how they found out about all the hiding places just like that, just something to consider. regardless sorry that happened to you :/

I feel like this is the case. I'm not sure how they'd find everything if otherwise. Last night they just confronted me about it and said they'd 'found' all of the stuff. I find it unlikely that they just stumbled upon all of it. The way they approached me was quite random too, when I asked why they'd suddenly gone through my room they brushed it off. The antiemetics are just harmless medicine for nausea, something I've actually been dealing with that they can attest to, so SN is still possible.

 

[AJwantsToGo]

This was a rollercoaster to read. I understand completely the peace you feel inside when you know no matter what happens you have an out. At least for me when I have methods available I feel much less anxious. I become actually more functional in a way. It's weird how the human mind works.

 

[soysoysoy]

I'm so sorry to hear that your parents would do that to you. Truly I understand what you meant when you said you felt more at ease but I can't imagine how you're feeling now that they've taken it all away from you so abruptly. I don't think people understand how healthy it is to have the option to CTB whenever the person chooses. I wish you the best of luck in getting your materials back and finding out just how they found your things.

 

[One Sad Donkey]

Damn, that sucks. I'm sure your family just wants the best for you, but it's so ignorant of them to remove your way out without changing your desire to CTB. If someone really wants to CTB, trying to make them physically unable to CTB is not the solution. "Good intentions pave the road to hell," as they say.

Wishing you the best.

 

[Worndown]

Irony! To "save" you they took away the items that were giving you peace and lessened your fixation on death.
Can you hide a rope in a garage? Outside your room would be best.

 

[koko]

This also has worked for me, I now worry the meds I got are expired. I still think they will work though.

 

[drumroll]

I can relate to this.
I think having freedom, control and choice naturally leads to feeling more at ease.
I have been able to watch this just with having access to ressources and information.
I think its quite undescribable how this is repeating so often in a multitude of facettes.
Anyways I hope this to be achieved for everybody and that this rest and peace may be continous.
best of luck