ardacalvin
Member
- Feb 25, 2020
- 41
Hello everyone,
I'm back again after 3 years of my re-illusionment has finally expired. Some people I know from this site back then have definitively passed away and some of them just recovered and are back to their lives and still living and God bless them if they are still alive. When I first joined to this platform, covid has barely started and I was failing at my classes as a 26-years old econ student from Turkey living in Germany whose German speaking skills were not more than 2 years old. Before I had come to Germany, I was a graphic design student, but I never took my classes in Turkish university seriously in the first place because I was planning to kill myself with my shotgun before reaching the age of 25. However, suddenly I had wanted to learn German and to go there and accordingly got my credentials and started my second chance as a bachelor student at a mediocre German university, which was a disastrous choice in hindsight since language barriers finally manifested themselves while taking the exams. (in a country where there is no midterm, assignment but just a final exam whose weighting is %100.) After having realized how fucked up of a decision I made, it was quite clear that as a failure in life, having tried everything, my time has finally come and I'd ordered, so luckily, the N from C, which is now an almost primeval history as a source.
Nonetheless I couldn't do it. I did what I always do when in despair, which is crying to my mom to come back to Turkey and begging her cutting my all cords from Germany, from this uni, from this fucking everything and as an angel as she is with her everlasting love and patience for me, she said "of course my love, do not even think yourself as failure even for a second" I did come back.
My family is by far the luckiest lottery one can for oneself wish for. I'm a gay man and they just accepted this as a Turkish family when I was aa 18 years old teenager. For fuck's sake I know some Swedish gay people being rejected by their families. My intellectuality, my deep knowledge about the world affairs and my vision are just due to them. After spending my time for 2-3 months in self-pity, they offered me to manage their money in US capital markets which was 100k$. So I decided to do that, after my initial and beginner luck, they offered me more, actually I asked them to sell some of their real estates to fund me more. In short, I made 270k$ of the invested capital to 330k$ --which was totally random during 2021-- a fucking mandrill would have made the same performance as I have done. Then came the Ukraine war and my drawdown reached to the point of 160k. But I never told them and said them "hey look I'm a smartass, of course I hedged" by totally deceiving them. Anyway, after that I changed my strategy and recouped some losses. My only expenses were just eating and drinking myself to death after the trading hours are over. In the meanwhile, my alcohol problem just got worse but hey I made the portfolio come back to 242k as late as last week. However, I've shorted Nvidia in a worst feasible way, which is selling naked call options.
Then, voila, my account came back to 201k, and except you guys no one knows this fucking detail, so after 3 years my family's hard-earned money has lost 70k$, they still think I'm in profits. Lest you guys have wrong impression, my family is not that rich. My father is a loving orthopedic surgeon with some money left and my mother is a retiree food engineer with some money left as well. They probably have given %40 of their wealth to me just to keep me alive, since they know by firsthand how suicidal I am, and they are so willing to see me alive in the upcoming years that they are risking their retirement money so that I might not kill myself.
I will recoup my losses again within 9 months by just doing what I'm already doing, which is eating and drinking myself to death. However, I gained a lot of weight, owing to drinking, and I smoke 30 cigarettes per day.
After my checkup, doctors are begging me to stop drinking and smoking which I cannot do. For once I indulge myself in calling a male escort. Do you know what happened, he was not even in a position to erect himself to bone me. I'm not overweight, just a skinny guy with a huge beer belly. I also had my dealer fuck me, after which he was sooo upset that for a moment I thought he might kill himself. Briefly, my every sexual experience was just a big fat shitshow. After each of them, I'm asking myself "jeez, if an activity, which is just simple sex, as old as 2 million years in this homo evolution chain does make me feel like killing myself, where I'm gonna seek any kind of satisfaction?"
So, in the last 3 years, my alcohol&xanax problem is at the point of making me dysfunctional, where I won't be able to earn my bread and butter, I don't speak with my angelic mother after her seeing me countless times as an aggressive and repulsive alcoholic and we are not in touch and from my beloved father all I see is just emphatic and pitiful looks, while me deceiving all of them as to my portfolio, no friends do not wanna talk with me after they got married (marrying means: integration into Turkish society, which in turn means no more talking to your miserable & alcoholic gay friends) and the other people I hurt by just being me and drunk.
I do not want to hurt people around me anymore, I mostly make them feel like lesser and not enough. I do not want to drink anymore, which hurts my liver day by day. I do not want to smoke anymore because even walking 300 meters makes me out of breath, I'm so sick and tired of feeling horny but not getting the satisfaction I'm always hoping. I do not want to trade us stock and bonds anymore, because the only way of me sleeping is through xanax and more alcohol after which in the morning I'm so dysfunctional. I do not want to see my friends or other good-looking or rich strangers which makes me sweat heavily and makes me look like a fucking freak. I do not wanna feel of missing out of holidays, clothing or a night out drinking because I must save money just to break even the portfolio's loses that I'm supposed to protect.
I'm trapped. I have my N nicely stored for the last 3 years and literally looking into my eyes to use it, but how am I gonna make my case so clear that my family is not full of guilt trip?
If I do that and cause other people taking the path which I did, which is really likely due to my loving family, I really and genuinely do not fear the death but I'm so fearful and dreadful of the idea that my dear family would do something stupid after I'm gone. PLS help me and give me some ideads.
I'm back again after 3 years of my re-illusionment has finally expired. Some people I know from this site back then have definitively passed away and some of them just recovered and are back to their lives and still living and God bless them if they are still alive. When I first joined to this platform, covid has barely started and I was failing at my classes as a 26-years old econ student from Turkey living in Germany whose German speaking skills were not more than 2 years old. Before I had come to Germany, I was a graphic design student, but I never took my classes in Turkish university seriously in the first place because I was planning to kill myself with my shotgun before reaching the age of 25. However, suddenly I had wanted to learn German and to go there and accordingly got my credentials and started my second chance as a bachelor student at a mediocre German university, which was a disastrous choice in hindsight since language barriers finally manifested themselves while taking the exams. (in a country where there is no midterm, assignment but just a final exam whose weighting is %100.) After having realized how fucked up of a decision I made, it was quite clear that as a failure in life, having tried everything, my time has finally come and I'd ordered, so luckily, the N from C, which is now an almost primeval history as a source.
Nonetheless I couldn't do it. I did what I always do when in despair, which is crying to my mom to come back to Turkey and begging her cutting my all cords from Germany, from this uni, from this fucking everything and as an angel as she is with her everlasting love and patience for me, she said "of course my love, do not even think yourself as failure even for a second" I did come back.
My family is by far the luckiest lottery one can for oneself wish for. I'm a gay man and they just accepted this as a Turkish family when I was aa 18 years old teenager. For fuck's sake I know some Swedish gay people being rejected by their families. My intellectuality, my deep knowledge about the world affairs and my vision are just due to them. After spending my time for 2-3 months in self-pity, they offered me to manage their money in US capital markets which was 100k$. So I decided to do that, after my initial and beginner luck, they offered me more, actually I asked them to sell some of their real estates to fund me more. In short, I made 270k$ of the invested capital to 330k$ --which was totally random during 2021-- a fucking mandrill would have made the same performance as I have done. Then came the Ukraine war and my drawdown reached to the point of 160k. But I never told them and said them "hey look I'm a smartass, of course I hedged" by totally deceiving them. Anyway, after that I changed my strategy and recouped some losses. My only expenses were just eating and drinking myself to death after the trading hours are over. In the meanwhile, my alcohol problem just got worse but hey I made the portfolio come back to 242k as late as last week. However, I've shorted Nvidia in a worst feasible way, which is selling naked call options.
Then, voila, my account came back to 201k, and except you guys no one knows this fucking detail, so after 3 years my family's hard-earned money has lost 70k$, they still think I'm in profits. Lest you guys have wrong impression, my family is not that rich. My father is a loving orthopedic surgeon with some money left and my mother is a retiree food engineer with some money left as well. They probably have given %40 of their wealth to me just to keep me alive, since they know by firsthand how suicidal I am, and they are so willing to see me alive in the upcoming years that they are risking their retirement money so that I might not kill myself.
I will recoup my losses again within 9 months by just doing what I'm already doing, which is eating and drinking myself to death. However, I gained a lot of weight, owing to drinking, and I smoke 30 cigarettes per day.
After my checkup, doctors are begging me to stop drinking and smoking which I cannot do. For once I indulge myself in calling a male escort. Do you know what happened, he was not even in a position to erect himself to bone me. I'm not overweight, just a skinny guy with a huge beer belly. I also had my dealer fuck me, after which he was sooo upset that for a moment I thought he might kill himself. Briefly, my every sexual experience was just a big fat shitshow. After each of them, I'm asking myself "jeez, if an activity, which is just simple sex, as old as 2 million years in this homo evolution chain does make me feel like killing myself, where I'm gonna seek any kind of satisfaction?"
So, in the last 3 years, my alcohol&xanax problem is at the point of making me dysfunctional, where I won't be able to earn my bread and butter, I don't speak with my angelic mother after her seeing me countless times as an aggressive and repulsive alcoholic and we are not in touch and from my beloved father all I see is just emphatic and pitiful looks, while me deceiving all of them as to my portfolio, no friends do not wanna talk with me after they got married (marrying means: integration into Turkish society, which in turn means no more talking to your miserable & alcoholic gay friends) and the other people I hurt by just being me and drunk.
I do not want to hurt people around me anymore, I mostly make them feel like lesser and not enough. I do not want to drink anymore, which hurts my liver day by day. I do not want to smoke anymore because even walking 300 meters makes me out of breath, I'm so sick and tired of feeling horny but not getting the satisfaction I'm always hoping. I do not want to trade us stock and bonds anymore, because the only way of me sleeping is through xanax and more alcohol after which in the morning I'm so dysfunctional. I do not want to see my friends or other good-looking or rich strangers which makes me sweat heavily and makes me look like a fucking freak. I do not wanna feel of missing out of holidays, clothing or a night out drinking because I must save money just to break even the portfolio's loses that I'm supposed to protect.
I'm trapped. I have my N nicely stored for the last 3 years and literally looking into my eyes to use it, but how am I gonna make my case so clear that my family is not full of guilt trip?
If I do that and cause other people taking the path which I did, which is really likely due to my loving family, I really and genuinely do not fear the death but I'm so fearful and dreadful of the idea that my dear family would do something stupid after I'm gone. PLS help me and give me some ideads.
