Venting Afraid To Learn I Can't CTB

[wondering&wandering]

I've thought about ctb for a little over a decade now. Sometimes in the furthest depths of my mind, while other times at the center of my waking thoughts. Regardless, always there.

And perhaps there was a certain comfort in knowing that if I ever wanted to escape the pain of life I could just ctb. I could just jump off a building; there's lots all over the place. Or perhaps off the bridge upon the freeway below. Just a simple fall—a lean into gravity's face.

But more and more I've thought about it. And in doing so I'm realizing how unlikely I am to actually do it. If I jumped off that bridge onto the freeway below, I would certainly cause a wreck, and my death might not be all that guaranteed. And all of a sudden, those buildings don't seem tall enough. And my will not strong enough.

I'm scared to realize I don't have the strength to break down death's door—a door locked up by society and not easily broken down as I am beginning to realize as I press my shoulder against it.

How stupid it must sound for me to speak of how I don't have the will to live nor enough will to die.

Of course, living isn't always so bad, but when it's bad it's bad. And right now I'm drowning in my own emotions.

It's pathetic; I know. It's stupid; I know. I just want attention; I know. But I didn't know I can't ctb right now. I didn't know I'd suck at dying as much as I suck at living.

 

[juna]

I am sorry you feel that way. Well ctb is difficult, that's why everyone doesn't do it. Humans are born to fight to survive. I have myself being thinking about ctb since at least 2 decades but I know that I need to make sure that the plan is perfect, I don't want to end up a vegetable. Sometimes, I see hope, that's what kept me going for 2 decades, now I see nothing, no light. So, I feel it is time. I always knew I would end up killing myself. Life is difficult enough even for normies, for us, it is just a bit more.

 

[UKscotty]

You don't lack strength for staying alive, it's the opposite. CTB is the last resort, once the mind has fully given in.

Despite how many of us say how much we hate life etc, only a tiny portion of people really CTB in the end.

Go easy on yourself, your time will come once your ready. We need to stop beating ourselves up so much for staying alive.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[errorsinmypast]

I feel like you wrote this for me!! At my lowest I think I'll do whatever it takes, when the time does come, but then I get really realistic and think ok so if it had to be now, like right now, what would I do.....and the truth is I totally don't know, today's thoughts was train tracks.....Im such a baby when it comes to pain and I'd be mortified if it went wrong and was in vegative state!

You're not weak you're frightened, and I'm here to assure you that you're not alone and I feel every bit as frightened as you.