Venting Afraid to die?

[Jai]

I'm so sorry for you. Events like this one are why I absolutely do not believe in an all powerful benevolent God. Either he is not all powerful or not benevolent. People suffering from this makes no god damn sense.

There are literally wealthy pedophiles that live in mansions in Asia and abuse as much as they want. They even make it to old age in wonderful health and die peacefully. (The guy that turned this into videos was caught at 80 or something)

No loving creator-God would let this happen and then punish some random stranger that didn't hurt anyone....

I noticed that the more of an absolute asshole you are the better your life is. The exact opposite of the karma nonsense I've been taught. That doesn't mean I want to be an asshole. I simply find it depressing that it works this way. There's no logic to anything. Just mental/physical abuse.

Creation is death.

Sorry for the rant. I hope you all can find peace in which ever way you choose.

I agree totally I've been a good man most of my long life battled depression from an early age and believed I was fighting the good fight my life through no course of my own got thrown from under me and after years of hell just when a glimmer turned up I end up in a chair with a rare disease it's a fucking joke mate

 

[creationisdeath]

I agree totally I've been a good man most of my long life battled depression from an early age and believed I was fighting the good fight my life through no course of my own got thrown from under me and after years of hell just when a glimmer turned up I end up in a chair with a rare disease it's a fucking joke mate

I hope you can still get some enjoyment out of it. Ignore all the social standards. Or if you decide to go through with CTBing good luck for that as well. Celebrate both.

Is life really all that fancy anyway? Sure there are some things I would like very much - but those are few and nothing else really fazes me anymore. Maybe similar to how the slave owners of today buy even bigger yachts and some still end up CTBing.. it's just not half as joyful as expected.

I desperately want to ascend. Like in some science fiction book. I'm absolutely serious. This material plane is so incredibly ingenious - yet unfathomably primitive at the same time. In human form we're really not any better than some single cell organism trying to survive. There has to be more..
And if there is not we wouldn't be able to perceive it anyway.

 

[creationisdeath]

i read in this post that sleep may be like death. deep meditative states can be very peaceful. and have no thoughts or pain or suffering.

I've never been able to achieve those since my mind is constantly racing. But I've heard that a lot. How long have you been practicing?

 

[TheCrow]

What I believe changes and it's frustrasting. I am trying to gear up for the final move. Sometimes I think all of this anticipation drives some of us crazy. I mean literally insane. Or maybe I'm just projecting. Maybe SI isn't even strong — maybe it's just fear of the unknown that keeps us from pulling the trigger, downing the N, taking the leap. Fear of the unknown — we have all had to overcome at some time in our lives. Flying for the first time, swimming for the first time, dunking our heads beneath water for the first time, and so forth. So much of our thinking is due to pre-programming, school, parents, friends, the media — where do any beliefs come from really? I for one really appreciate this OP: I just hope I have the courage to die. That's my name. I believe it takes some kind of courage. I believe that if I do not CTB, my life is going to become far worse than I can handle. I have already had bouts with psychosis, homelessness, and been hospitalized many times. I don't want to end up insane, homeless, or imprisoned. Plus, I have a bone marrow condition that I can feel is ripping me up from the inside. I feel pathetic in writing this. I feel like shit. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I am even writing any of this. I have wronged too many people — nothing so extreme but enough to justify my sentence. I have seen my future and it's bleakness scares the shit out of me. I wasn't able to sustain. My personal goals in life were so far from what I actually achieved. I don't even think I could have ever been happy tbh. And what so many say is that I am too hard on myself. Idk. Too hard? Maybe I wasn't hard enough. And when I CTB that will be "the worst thing I can do" to all my loved ones as many tell me when I have confided in them my desire to CTB? And I think well actually I can imagine many worse things that I could do in the future if my mind has broken completely; if I am literally one of those homeless ppl you see talking to themselves; if I end up so desperate and broken. And in these moments I believe that regardless of what happens after death, I do not want to risk this bleak future on myself or others. Apologies for the long post; I feel the end coming and feel compelled to get some things off my chest.

So, so relatable. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope we can break free of these chains and be free on the other side. Sending you love. xo

 

[couragetodie]

So, so relatable. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope we can break free of these chains and be free on the other side. Sending you love. xo

Thanks, TheCrow

 

[SLN1096]

Everyone is. Some people say they aren't but I don't believe them and think it's a coping mechanism to try and take control. Nobody wants to die...they want their pain to end and that pain is so great that they see no other way. We don't even know what dying means and the unknown is terrifying to our lizard brains and higher brains alike. Some people find some numb peace with it enough to act...some get drunk or high or act in a desperation...but your feelings are perfectly natural, perfectly human. In my view as long as you have hope then all is not lost and you should climb toward that hope if you can. Sometimes there is no hope, sometimes we cannot climb anymore. That's ok too and just as human. One of us.

Wow...

 

[lost_soul83]

What I believe changes and it's frustrasting. I am trying to gear up for the final move. Sometimes I think all of this anticipation drives some of us crazy. I mean literally insane. Or maybe I'm just projecting. Maybe SI isn't even strong — maybe it's just fear of the unknown that keeps us from pulling the trigger, downing the N, taking the leap. Fear of the unknown — we have all had to overcome at some time in our lives. Flying for the first time, swimming for the first time, dunking our heads beneath water for the first time, and so forth. So much of our thinking is due to pre-programming, school, parents, friends, the media — where do any beliefs come from really? I for one really appreciate this OP: I just hope I have the courage to die. That's my name. I believe it takes some kind of courage. I believe that if I do not CTB, my life is going to become far worse than I can handle. I have already had bouts with psychosis, homelessness, and been hospitalized many times. I don't want to end up insane, homeless, or imprisoned. Plus, I have a bone marrow condition that I can feel is ripping me up from the inside. I feel pathetic in writing this. I feel like shit. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I am even writing any of this. I have wronged too many people — nothing so extreme but enough to justify my sentence. I have seen my future and it's bleakness scares the shit out of me. I wasn't able to sustain. My personal goals in life were so far from what I actually achieved. I don't even think I could have ever been happy tbh. And what so many say is that I am too hard on myself. Idk. Too hard? Maybe I wasn't hard enough. And when I CTB that will be "the worst thing I can do" to all my loved ones as many tell me when I have confided in them my desire to CTB? And I think well actually I can imagine many worse things that I could do in the future if my mind has broken completely; if I am literally one of those homeless ppl you see talking to themselves; if I end up so desperate and broken. And in these moments I believe that regardless of what happens after death, I do not want to risk this bleak future on myself or others. Apologies for the long post; I feel the end coming and feel compelled to get some things off my chest.

The nice thing about this site is that a lot of us feel the same way you do, so you can open up without feeling judged or ridiculed. I'm sorry things are so bad for you. All I wish for you is the courage to end your suffering and a peaceful passing into the next life, that I know you will receive the blessings you deserve in. God speed honey! We're all rooting for you!

 

[ReadyasEver]

I have no fear for myself, honestly. I fear for those left behind. Will they OK? Can my wife make the adjustment to find peace in her life when I'm gone? The kids are now young adults, will they dwell on being gone or will they remember the good times and some of the lessons I passed onto them? These questions are the biggest obstacle. I'm not worried about an afterlife. I did the best I could to try and be a contributing member to our society. Tried to pass along some kindness, some compassion, and friendship to those in my life. Everyone is selfish, but I tried to counter it the best I could. In the end, being remembered is not really important. Trying to put a smile on someone's face and making this world just a little bit better for them was.

 

[Jiva]

Who say that he/she hasn't any fear from dying, he/she lies! Maybe he/she thinks it now, but it isn't really possible. But every fear can be overcome.

 

[sneakysneaky]

I don't think I'm afraid to die, or what might come after. I'm afraid of the pain right before I die (choking, snapping of my neck/spine, etc), or the pain I'll feel after if ever I fail (being a vegetable/being brain dead but conscious).

 

[Sixfeetunder]

Fear of death and the survival instinct is built into our core from thousands of years of evolution. I think the only way I'll be able to ctb is just go ahead and do it. Even in a moment of absolute desperation, I'm not sure how people manage to shoot themselves in the head, jump off heights, do full suspension hanging, etc.

As my potential date comes nearer, I have mixed feelings. I'll just have to see how I feel on the actual date.

Sometimes it seems like the idea of suicide is more appealing than actually ctb.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Not at all.

Being afraid of not dying is the main reason I don't attempt suicide.

 

[HellinHeaven]

I have always the fear that I do it too early, that there is still a bit hope, so if I am dying that in this moment I begin to regret. The other fear is not being dead, but a vegetable and some idiots trying to save me.
Me Personally think that the soul leaves the vessel of the body and is free again from all this earthly agnoies and gets back to the great spirit.

 

[J.E. Morrow]

I have always the fear that I do it too early, that there is still a bit hope, so if I am dying that in this moment I begin to regret.

I can relate to this. That moment when a lot of "what if" questions start coming. It's frustrating.

 

[lululoo]

No worries I contracted Gullianne Barre syndrome from nowhere went from fit as as fiddle to bring paralysed and no reason after 4 months I can move a little but I'm in a wheelchair or a bed can't stand or walk on my own

Oh my god! I'm so sorry. My mom came down with this a little over 2 years ago. She was paralyzed head to toe and on a ventilator for months. Pure hell. She is in her 70s and her recovery has been so slow. She can now walk a bit. She is still making improvements. So I just want to say. you are very very early in the process. it is slower than doctors say. Doctors told my mom she'd be on the ventilator for life. They were wrong. 4 months in, all she could do was wiggle her toes I think.

 

[Moth]

Sometimes I think about hurting myself severely on purpose, just so I'm not the one that has to do everything all the time, just to get a fuckin' break from all the fuckin' day-to-day shit. But then I think that's stupid and I could just kill myself and hopefully get to heaven and be done with this misery.

Take it from someone who has nerve damage, and circulation problems due to severe self harm, and cognitive issues, and stomach problems from overdoses. It gets frustrating struggling with everyday shit from just that, the feelings of inferiority are shit, having to rely on others it's not fun. This is bad enough, being fully dependent on others would be hell

 

[EmotionlessWanderer]

I afraid of failure or that my body may tough up to the point where it will survive my method no matter if I do it wrong or right.

I have personal wishes myself as to what the other side is like but I'm more afraid of failure and having to face the consequences.