Hi all.
So, I'm not really "supposed" to be here right now: I had planned to CTB around a week or so back (thread titled "Off for full suspension in an hour or two") however after drinking and smoking some weed (which I hate as I'd given up before) I felt strangely compelled to visit my Mum- she has been sick for many years but was recently diagnosed with aggressive pancreatic cancer- inoperable as an operation would likely kill her.
We and two of her friends watched a movie together, I forget the name but it was a rather bleak affair involving someone stranded in the desert trying to extract gold, something along those lines.
After the movie she asked whether or not I'd like to sleep next to her in her bed, to which I told her I didn't want to interrupt her rest so I let her be.
Being as inebriated and tired as I was, I opted to crash on the couch in the living room.
After a few hours I heard her groaning loudly from her room and knew there was something very wrong. She was in great distress and asked for a bucket.
I brought her one, into which she began immediately vomiting blood.
One of her legs was cramping severely, so severely that no matter how hard I massaged it it didn't help.
Ambulance was called and the EMTs advised that this would likely be the beginning of a fatal event, about which they were right.
She didn't want to go into hospice but due to the difficulty of providing adequate pain management at home we elected to take her in.
She rapidly became quite incoherent and agitated from all the medicine. There was no chance for heartfelt goodbyes, although we all talked to her and let her know we loved and appreciated her.
She died approximately 2 days later, my brother and I were 15 mins away from our "shift" to watch her. Not that it matters a hell of a lot as she was unresponsive by that time.
I'm still struggling with her sheer desperation: at one point the only break in her responses was for her to beg for help and put her hands over her head in a fight or flight state.
I found the spectre of seeing the strongest person I've ever known, who brought my Brother and I up on her own, dealt with severe health issues for years with barely a complaint, and managed to remain a productive, loving person right up till the end of her many, long illnesses reduced to a desperate person begging for help at the end to be very distressing indeed.
So, I feel I've reached a quandry: do I strike now "while the iron is hot" and end it, so that all the grief can be dealt with at once (and perhaps even costs may be mitigated via a joint funeral), or do I do my best to wait awhile so that the pain for those left behind isn't quite as agonising?
I feel it's better just to "get it out of the way" so to speak, but I'm worried about my twin brother. He came and saw me today and the way he hugged me made me worry about how he might take my violent death, particularly so close to Mum's.
That's really my only serious concern at this point regarding my CTB.
Having said that I've reached a point of continuous, unbearable mental illness and continuous physical pain and exhaustion- at no point do I feel safe, relaxed or sane.
Every sound, every moment is relentlessly depressing. I'm not sure I'd be able to hold on for long even with the best of intentions.
In addition I've no idea, in the state I'm in, how I could possibly navigate her funeral.
To make matters worse, one of the primary reasons that my life is so fucked up was due to some (well-intentioned but very poor) health advice she gave me years ago, on the cusp of adulthood.
I don't mean to have these thoughts, but unwanted, painful feelings such as "you ruined your health, then ruined mine and left me to rot" tend to bubble up rather frequently.
It's not that I hate her or her spirit, on the contrary I love her very much. But I wouldn't be in the unnavigable, excruciating position I'm in if it weren't for her, and I find that very difficult to swallow. Like now she's gone and I have no tools with which to run my life. It's as though she's robbed me and left me for dead, although not intentionally.
Makes me realise that if I'd gone through with it that night as I'd planned to I wouldn't have had to witness Mum's horrible demise. She was going to die within the next few days anyway.
Anyways I'm not sure why I'm writing all this. Guess I just wanted some advice on whether I should try to leave it a little longer or perhaps I should just take myself out now so that the grieving can be dealt with.
So, I'm not really "supposed" to be here right now: I had planned to CTB around a week or so back (thread titled "Off for full suspension in an hour or two") however after drinking and smoking some weed (which I hate as I'd given up before) I felt strangely compelled to visit my Mum- she has been sick for many years but was recently diagnosed with aggressive pancreatic cancer- inoperable as an operation would likely kill her.
We and two of her friends watched a movie together, I forget the name but it was a rather bleak affair involving someone stranded in the desert trying to extract gold, something along those lines.
After the movie she asked whether or not I'd like to sleep next to her in her bed, to which I told her I didn't want to interrupt her rest so I let her be.
Being as inebriated and tired as I was, I opted to crash on the couch in the living room.
After a few hours I heard her groaning loudly from her room and knew there was something very wrong. She was in great distress and asked for a bucket.
I brought her one, into which she began immediately vomiting blood.
One of her legs was cramping severely, so severely that no matter how hard I massaged it it didn't help.
Ambulance was called and the EMTs advised that this would likely be the beginning of a fatal event, about which they were right.
She didn't want to go into hospice but due to the difficulty of providing adequate pain management at home we elected to take her in.
She rapidly became quite incoherent and agitated from all the medicine. There was no chance for heartfelt goodbyes, although we all talked to her and let her know we loved and appreciated her.
She died approximately 2 days later, my brother and I were 15 mins away from our "shift" to watch her. Not that it matters a hell of a lot as she was unresponsive by that time.
I'm still struggling with her sheer desperation: at one point the only break in her responses was for her to beg for help and put her hands over her head in a fight or flight state.
I found the spectre of seeing the strongest person I've ever known, who brought my Brother and I up on her own, dealt with severe health issues for years with barely a complaint, and managed to remain a productive, loving person right up till the end of her many, long illnesses reduced to a desperate person begging for help at the end to be very distressing indeed.
So, I feel I've reached a quandry: do I strike now "while the iron is hot" and end it, so that all the grief can be dealt with at once (and perhaps even costs may be mitigated via a joint funeral), or do I do my best to wait awhile so that the pain for those left behind isn't quite as agonising?
I feel it's better just to "get it out of the way" so to speak, but I'm worried about my twin brother. He came and saw me today and the way he hugged me made me worry about how he might take my violent death, particularly so close to Mum's.
That's really my only serious concern at this point regarding my CTB.
Having said that I've reached a point of continuous, unbearable mental illness and continuous physical pain and exhaustion- at no point do I feel safe, relaxed or sane.
Every sound, every moment is relentlessly depressing. I'm not sure I'd be able to hold on for long even with the best of intentions.
In addition I've no idea, in the state I'm in, how I could possibly navigate her funeral.
To make matters worse, one of the primary reasons that my life is so fucked up was due to some (well-intentioned but very poor) health advice she gave me years ago, on the cusp of adulthood.
I don't mean to have these thoughts, but unwanted, painful feelings such as "you ruined your health, then ruined mine and left me to rot" tend to bubble up rather frequently.
It's not that I hate her or her spirit, on the contrary I love her very much. But I wouldn't be in the unnavigable, excruciating position I'm in if it weren't for her, and I find that very difficult to swallow. Like now she's gone and I have no tools with which to run my life. It's as though she's robbed me and left me for dead, although not intentionally.
Makes me realise that if I'd gone through with it that night as I'd planned to I wouldn't have had to witness Mum's horrible demise. She was going to die within the next few days anyway.
Anyways I'm not sure why I'm writing all this. Guess I just wanted some advice on whether I should try to leave it a little longer or perhaps I should just take myself out now so that the grieving can be dealt with.
