Hey there friend. Was thinking a whole lot about suicide [last week] too, intrusive thoughts every day about really wanting to die / kill myself, as well. And hey, I wanted to hang myself too! But I recently found a way, that helped me a fair bit; so I help it might help you, too. (and I also still experience intrusive suicidal thoughts usually p. often (maybe ~roughly twice a day); so this is how I actively deal with them [nowadays] too)
Myself, I found great solace in understanding that
deciding on suicide and
feeling suicidal, are two completely different things.
Myself, I found this way of dealing with my suicidal thoughts.
I just let them flow through me.
And allow myself to feel all the pain and suffering that comes with myself; to allow myself the catharsis that such intrusive thought craves for.
I found great perspective in Albert Camus's philosophy of Absurdism. I only
read about it last week; but only today did I really find the space to think on it and really come to similar conclusions that he has: and find a feel for his ideas, too. I will summarize it for you. Camus says that suffering itself, is absurd—therefore we must not try to find meaning in it. Because if we just try really hard to find meaning in suffering, we'll just tire ourselves out and make things even harder for ourselves. So we need to regard it as absurd, and not try to give it meaning; to realize that we don't
need to find 'beauty' or 'awesomeness' in the things we struggle with; and we're not weak or backwards for feeling confused in our own suffering. We become confused trying to understand it, because it is not meant to be understood. Suffering is something we experience, and that's as far as we can go for understanding it.
Yes, you can understand the
causes of your suffering quite coherently (given enough analysis, I hope). Let us use the analogy of a wounding to the body for example. Though the 'cause' is quite clear (injury/wound to the arm, causing suffering & pain as a result of bloodloss), the
experience itself of that pain, is truly absurd. So, to try and immediately find a bunch of reasons or 'higher meaning' in that blood, that pain—it will just confuse, just make things more strenous to deal with. So, how might one deal with it better? Well, that is this. To scream out, to wince out in all the pain—to be an animal in that, to not try and force honor on yourself in the moments where you feel most
dishonored; to focus solely not on 'understanding' but on trying to bear the pain that is currently on your shoulders. To lay down and lick your wound and hold onto anything you can, in the bleeds.
So... what do we do with this, then? Suffering has no meaning, life has no inherent meaning pre-packaged for us, what do we do, then? Should we kill ourselves because we have no other choice? Camus says this on suicide. "There is only one really serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide", he writes. Camus says that we should not kill ourselves out of being unable to bear the suffering, but this. To actually... embrace the suffering? Seemingly absurd, yes; but hear me. He draws from the famous myth of
Sisyphus to demonstrate this idea to us. [in-case one needs a refresher; the Greek hero who endlessly rolls a boulder up a hill.]
Camus has a different view on Sisyphus. He says we could imagine Sisyphus as happy—laughing, even. How? How come he would be
happy when he's in such a horrible spot? Here is how.
By
realizing that suffering is absurd, and for that reason refusing to give suffering meaning; we can deprive it of our ability to take meaning from us. If
everything is inherently meaningless; this means things that even give us the
slightest bit of joy, regain meaning. If
nothing is meaningful, then everything is. Any warm greeting, any fine piece of art; any good meal, any beautiful sunset. All of it gains meaning, by giving up the quest to "find meaning" in everything, and stressing ourselves out in the process.
The way I like to imagine it, is like this. Imagine the universe itself. With cosmos swirling around in the center, and nebulae and galaxies, too. But, surrounding it all—is a black void, encasing everything. We often
feel that black void, casting it's dark shadow on us. Making us suffer. Making us burn, [and making us] want to end it all. But there's galaxies at the center, too. That we can find interest, and fascination it—as well. So we can feel the pain, and realize joy, too. So the meaninglessness may persist alongside the beauty—with our will, and our choice—solely from the power of that, and nothing else; a power to have, I think; the decision to bear what we wish to and to decide what we want to get, despite whatever else may come with it.
The way I deal with my suffering, is just to let it all flow through me. To allow myself to cry out as loudly as I wish to—in my own mind, and sometimes (if I'm in secrecy) by mouthing it out, too—for death, in wincing of pain. I let it all flow through me like a river, like a raging waterfall. And I allow myself to feel this pain to it's fullest degree, without trying to stop myself from feeling pain or thinking it's wrong to be feel pain either.
And eventually, I am able to come to days where I realize, that the sea of my mind is still and not crying out for death at the current moments.
And on a fatefully still day such as that, did I realize that... suicide is actually pretty boring. Well, you kill yourself—and that's it. No pain, yeah, but no more
goodness either. No more art, no more music; no good talk, no interesting projects in other people's lives to look forward to. No more stories to read, no more stories to write. And so... I realized that death, can be no more meaningful than life. Therefore, it's more interesting to live; even if it may be painfully unbearable at times.
So we realize that we don't have to be sane all of the time. It's OK to fall apart and feel fucked up for the day, to be overridden with unbearable emotions and suffering. But if it
is possible for those emotions to fade, even a bit,—to experience but
one good day in our lives, that we are glad to have known—then it's worth bleeding out some days, to feel the fascination of interest that life,—and only life,—can bring.
[A quote from a previous post I once wrote; that I myself was moved by in my moments of disparity.] I give you my words as I gave this other person before; with the same intent I gave them, and the same intention I forward to you now, in this very moment.
I encourage you to find joy and solace in anything you find gives you a relaxing evening. For me, that is listening to Radiohead; especially
Kid A, I find that album greatly healing for myself, especially when I have a lot of suicidal feelings. I know that I have decided against suicide; and I interpret these emotions for what they are—mere suffering, manifesting in the language of suicidal suggestions.
It is suffering; so the only thing to do is to cling onto something and feel all the pain that
is there, and to keep hanging on, until it fades even a little bit.
This is difficult. This is so damn difficult. You
will have days where the pain fills you up like water from head to toe and burns that water like oil, like some intoxicating candle. But eventually, that candle's flame and heat can recede [fade] for a time—leaving a better atmosphere to breath in. Breathe in those moments. Sit back, and feel yourself—the things you like, the valid feelings you have, breathe in all of it. The things you love, the things you find beauty in—remember them too, they are part of you and are very, very, real.
Good distractions, I personally find music and reading fair distractions, they help me out. Maybe there are other things you find greater relief in; go for those things then, you know what you like best :)
I also found recently that reading this one book, titled
How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me, helped distract myself quite effectively as well. Yes, perhaps you prefer to read something else—all the more power to you. I just think it's potentially a fine option to hit two birds with one stone—understand how suicidal urges work while distracting yourself from them at the same time. It was written by someone who attempted suicide thrice in their life; and who has endured hellish amounts of suffering, yet now lives a happy fulfilling life.
I wish you the best. Know the strength of your own emotions. You don't need to be at the mercy of your own emotions; you have all the power, all the decision; to ride out the storm, to do what you truly wish—
without being enslaved to your suffering.
Slavery is only a matter of allegiance, we are only enslaved to what we swear our allegiance to. And so, to swear of all allegiance to suffering—to declare it absurd and meaningless and not worth putting sincerity into—allows us, at least in part, to experience hell and chaos while calling it what it is, while knowing how chaotic it is, and knowing that it's not something we are mandated to decide our existence based off of.
You have full choice, full freedom, full free will. You have the ultimate decision to decide what you want to do, to act how you like, to do what you want to do. You don't have to be forced by any feeling or urge to do what you do not want to do. You have all of your conscience and reason with you; even if at times it's felt out of reach in the throws of suffering. Know it is possible to hold onto certain decisions in times of insanity—if those decisions are based in the most honest and strong of rationality and reason, decisions you truly integrate into how you handle life and your own mind every day. Decisions, that you truly integrate into who you are. Humans have the power to make decisions, and you too.
The best of luck. I wish you way more than luck. There is hell on earth; but heaven, too. We pass through both here and there; I feel I'm glad to have been able to experience good things, despite the unbearable moments. You have the full right to decide your own perspective on this, too. This is just my own perspective.
It is really lovely and wonderful that you are into photography. It truly is a unique form of art. I myself am a photography appreciator as well. I am honestly very curious about what photos you either take or are into—like legit, not just adding this to be nice or anything or out of support, I am genuinely curious about what kinds of photos you find valuable. It's a very... direct art form, right to the eyes, right to the soul—communicating a direct
feeling, just as the finest of fine arts do. I myself could DM you some photos I find particularly feelsome in your private convos or chats if you want to see more of my own photography interests as well.
We needn't be alone in this suffering. We have others, and ourselves, too.
And the greatest of all; our own reason. And our free will. Our unassailable capacity to decide—with conviction!—for ourselves, in a way that nobody else can.
I empower you most, to make good use of this—miraculous ability that we have.
Please take care of yourself. Life is difficult. It can be nice sometimes. May we write the good times in stone and the bad ones in sand. May you achieve the finest of harmonies, and find catharsis & understanding in your own life. Peace.
By the way, absolutely lovely bio text. I truly wish you the best, as well.
Yes, this site has a dedicated
recovery forum, dedicated to getting better. They have a whole list of
recovery resources, too—in a whole megathread chock-full of anything that might help restore harmony. From inspirational quotes (actually helped me once too, lol—in assisting to turn out of a bout of mine), to practical advice for dealing with anxiety attacks, and even seeking professional care too. I think if you wish to continue experiencing any good aspects of life—that this megathread is a
great place to look. Wishing you all the best. I wish you way more than luck.
