Redleaf1992
Just leave us the f*ck alone!
- Feb 3, 2024
- 125
Hello recovery people!
I have found my motivation to CBT to not be around very recently. I think it's because I had originally set my initial (earliest date I would allow myself) CBT as yesterday and the fear of death has at least momentarily shaken it out of me. My mood is ever changing so I could be back on the CBT wheel for all I know in the morning, but I wanted to at least use this time when I feel pretty good with no CBT motivation to see if I can try and change something.
Initially I was going to try and take a break from SS or at least reduce my time on it, unfortunately I always have one online addiction which I must check for updates cumulatively. Thats SS right now, so taking a break isn't really possible without extreme effort. Instead I thought I would visit the recovery page, and see what insight you lovely people have. Unfortunately the things which pushed me in the direction of CBT still exist, they just aren't weighing me down. I'm very much drifting through life as it falls apart around me, and I have no idea how to stop that. Sometime it helps to have an outside perspective particularly when you have been feeling low, hence me asking for any advice here.
My problems are multi faceted so I expect this post is about to get very long. Edit OMG so long, particuarly the career portion I completley waffle on, maybe find another post to read. I dony know why I said half the shit I have - other than to embarass myself lol So I will thank anyone now who reads through this (and everyone else for trying!). To start with a breif summary my fear and how I vision my future life is being stuck in a dead end meaningless job as I slave away for nothing. I beleive said work would be the only thing in my life as I will end up alone with no partner (or children) or no close freindships to share life with and do the things that make life worth living.
To start with my career/work (sorry this will take a while to reach its point): When I went to university (about 14 years ago now!), I started by studying Radiotherapy. I wanted a career where I felt I was helping people and felt the more physics elements catered more to my skills compared to something like nursing. Unfortunately I found university really difficult, I just could not pay attention in lectures etc, and I was poorly disorganized (which I now suspect to be undiagnosed ADHD), aditonally I really didnt enjoy placement. I failed one of my modules completley and ultimatley decided to change careers to Aerospace Engineering (typing this I realise how easily I'm probably making myself to doxx - but if anyone really wants to fuck'em - exspeacially you police). I chose it becuase I'm good at maths and felt it might be less listening and more doing which might make thing easier. Unfortunatley that wasn't the case and I struggeled through out univerity, lost motivation and just made it through each year. I felt my life would be over at the end of uni with no career prospects, and very passively hoped my uni lifestyle drinking would bump me of before graduation (I used to get sharp pain often when drinking around the kidney region - which fuelled that possibilty).
Obviously that didn't happen and I ended stuck with no idea what to do next, I had a (pretty) low grade degree and I didnt do the placement year (no motivation/wasnt organised to arrange it). I wanted to try and find a career in the charity sector, but ultimatley it's either all voluntary work or postions I would never have the skills for. After working part time in retail I managed to find a a technical role in a company, which suplemented my degree to small extent. The job was good, and I did it for a number of years, I did find concerating difficult, particuarly the longer I did it, but I managed to distract my lack of productivity by finding side jobs for myself which improved the work flow (etc.) for the company. As these were things I made thought of - people didnt really know how long they would take so my lack of productivity wasn't noticed. Unfortunatley the carreer itself wasn't great for career progress, the skills I devloped were quite unique for that job so I felt they didnt really give me the potential to move on from the job and so I stagnated. The side work I did to improve the the team operation didn't go unnoticed however and I did get offered a new job in the same company. I won't give me the job role (it's my current job and I guess I atleast pretend to be carefull about being doxxed), but it was a very different job, less technical and much more reliant on being organised and managing things. It's also much grandier role with alot of resposbility ultimatley lying on me.
I knew the job would not be a good fit for me, but I was deperate for the monies and get out of the rot I was currently in. Ultimatley in my first year I did struggle with orgnisation and things but just about managed to cope (by sweeping a few thing under the carpet where I could). I got a refferal to be tested for ADHD to try and help me, but unfortey in the UK you would be talking years to be tested and then get help via meds etc. Unfortunely it was around XMas time when I started to get low and this ultimatley made me lose motivation, which has made my capability even worse. At the start of last week where I felt pretty certain of CTBing soon my motivation basically when to zero. These days partucarly when working from home I get VERY little done, acheving in a day what most people could probably do in a hour.
Ultimatley if I lost this job I feel like I would be back at square one, without the neceasry experince/skills to pick myself up. Even if somehow managed to retain the job, it's ultimatimetly a empty 9-5 corpoerate job. When I wanted to either be helping people or somthing that fuelled my creatvity passions. Ultimatley my carreer life alone was never a reason to CBT alone, but it feels like the immediate stressor and I worry my career will be all I have.
I had a peer support mental health worker for a short while who sign posted me to a charity who helps people with mental health struggles with their carreers. I'm on the waiting list but I don't really see this helping, as there unfortunatley isnt a magic switch that will make things fine.
Close Freindships: Moving away from my career one of my challenges is I don't really have any freinds to do things with. I do have people I'm freinds with from hobbies I do, but ultimatley we meet and talk about the hobby nothing more. I'm also is a couple of social groups, one I have been in a while and one is a transgender (and similiar) social group I joined recently. However I really struggle in social groups, I'm always the arkward quite one in the group. I never really have anything intresting to say, and end up drifting into my own head. I also struggle to hear over noise which can make things harder. I can also get quite anxious joining new groups, feeling like people don't want me there and ultimatley opting not to engage in conversation. This makes it really hard for me to create those closer freindships, the sort of freindships where you do other thingd togeather. Be it go to the cinema, grab a coffee, go clubbing, go on a holiday etc etc. Ultimatlety it makes me feel like out missing out on these things in life as my life wastes away with only work and that I will become evermore alone in life.
Gender/Sexuality: My Gender and sexuality and big topics of confusion for me, ultimatley I have no idea who I am. With sexulaity; romantically and physically only attracted to females, however I don't have the same desire when it comes to sex (most of the time - brain cant make it's mind up). I am not attracted to males, and find the idea of being intimate with one repulsive - but when it comes to the sexual acts then I'm attracted to the idea of it with a male. This is ultimatley so confusing at leaves having no idea I want from a relationship.
The same is similiar with Gender. My brain would switch back and from from feeling like I should be female (born male) and feeling like I being crazy before. When feeling like wanting to be female the desire took over and I impulsively started taking HRT from a online vendor about a year ago. In fairness taking HRT did settle that sharp feeling of my mind switching back and forth but the doubt still remains in my head that I'm making a grave mistake - apart of it just all feels wrong. I haven't even begun transiting in other ways (like voice, or being female outside), which is all backwards. Transiting at 32 as someone is tall (for a male) and large frame I feel I will never actually be passable and my self consiousness will just make it harder to develop new freinships and relationships which ultimatley is just going to contribute to me feeling more alone in life - particarly with the stigma trans people have to go through in life. I'm also terried of breaking the news to freinds but particarly family. I don't think I could ever break it to them about being trans, particuarly my Dad I just think it would breal their hearts. I know people will say it's their problem, but I care for them and there good people I just don't think they will find it easy at all (my Dad has pretty conservative views).
Relationships: As a 32 year old I have never been in a relationship, and extremly little in the sense of sexual encounters (nothing more than fooling around - mostly when I was a boy). The reasons being the issues I have mentioned, it's difficult to have a relationship when your unsure of your own sexulaity/gender/process of transiting above but also fears of intimacy. Despite wanting it I find the idea of being close to someone intimadely as awarkward, anxious and unfortable. I guess I fear of my own inadequacies as well. It's just one large nasty cocktail that makes it impossible to start a relationship and beleive I will never have one - spending my life alone as I grow old.
Teddy bear beleif / OCD like rituals: Even if I managed to start dating anyone I would never be able to take them to mine long term, out of fear of them thinking me crazy and leaving me. I will try to avoid going into unesary detail (I actually once wrote a full post going into full detail - but didnt send it as I realised it not relevant and just me waffling about myself), but since being a kid I always beleived my Teds were alive and concious, these days I think this beleif can be weak or strong at different time - I'm able to discuss it critically now but when I'm with them I feel sure of their existence. I had a close connection to them particuarly with 'main' ted, this really strengthened when I was on holiday as a kid and asking for a signal and seeing the ted give a smile back. I still get this today and can sense that their alive, like you can sense other beings being alive, when I'm being critical of my own beleives if they arn't alive it's not a visual haluication but rather me subcicously alterleting my head/eye position to give that illusion. Anyway I would always keep my main ted with me, so he didnt miss out on tv etc (I probably was around 12 at the time?), I would also speak to them in mind, where my teds would talk back (me critcally evaluating it now if not real; they not auditory haluciations but internalised where my mind creating their dialougue) - my parents became worried and my sister warned me that they were gonna get a psycholgist unless I quit it. So I kept all my teds on my ted from then on but was still worried about them missing out on things. So I created rules in my head that I would tell them so they could do it all with me psykickly etc. These rules became larger and larger over time, particalry as I was worried about my other teds becoming jealous of main ted and betraying them - so I had to make sure the rules meant they could do what they wanted without them being able to harm each other. The rules became compulusive as a kid and one point dominated most of the day and included the need to touch wood, count walls etc as part of the ritual of thinking over the rules. I managed to take control my summarsing alot of the rules which made it easier to manage and these days I still need to think these rules before I watch tv/eat dinner/do anything significant - but it doesnt dominate the day by any stretch. However that said the rules aren't just things I can imagine in my head alot of the time I still need to go to them phyiscally to tell them what I'm up to, with a similiar but different ritual I need to do when I'm with them phyiscally.
It's the need of these 'physical' rituals with the teds and having them around which will cuase the problems, it's obviously gonna spook any potential partners (and probable everyone reading this lol), and I would never betray my teds. So I'm stuck knowing I will never develop a relationship due to this and another reason that I will be alone.
Where I'm at now: At Xmas I became really low, I think the trigger was that I had load of holiday booked off as I had no one to use it with over the year and it was all wasted becuase I became physically ill - which just highlighted I was wasting my life. Secondarily over Christmas it highlighted that my Sisters were now close with their partners, one with children and starting their own Xmas family traditions - and ultimatlety we will soon drift apart into our own families which I have none and will never have. It reminded me of how previously in new years I would be ashamed of having no parties to go to, so I would lie telling people I have plans and book a hotel to spend new years in - just to hide my shame - I felt that lonelness would be my norm.
I became sucidal and had a planned day to CBT by partial hanging (before I joined SS so woulda failed). On the day I coudent go through with it - mostly becuase I didnt want to hurt my family. I decided though that I needed to do somthing if I was going to continue living, and confessed everything to my GP in the hopes there may be a path foward. I had a mental health assesment with a MH practioner and we came up with a plan to do one step at a time (so not to overwhelm with stuff to do). She sign posted me a charity that offer free therapy for people with sexuality/gender issues that impact mental health. I decided to do this first as I felt it was more time urgent with my use of HRT. Second she suggested DBT to help managing my emotions with SH etc. (the signpost was just to a online self help which doesnt look great - but tbf she said there might be further assistance if I feel I need it later. Lastly CBT if I felt I need it to manage my compulsions.
The problem looking back to it I guess is that I dont beleive it addreses my problems much. Sure the gender counselling is a key point, but I'm not sure how helpful its going to be - sometimes I feel like Im not confused it's just my brain that is broken. While DBT and CBT dont really adress my problems. I coudent really careless that I SH when my world is crumbling around me and it just feels like a acute consequence of this (ok not completley true as I would SH more subtley before - I think the heigntened emotions from estrogen has perhaps revealed a MH condtion that way laying more dorman). While CBT is going to help, the problem isnt the time taken doing rituals, it's that I cant bring a partner around without scaring them away. Meanwhile ADHD assesment will come far to late to save my carreer (beyond that anyway), so I'm basically alone dealing with that. And I'm still socially awarkward, fearful of intimacy etc etc which is blocking my prospects of obtaining close freinships/relationships.
In terms of treatment I'm curenttly doing the Gender therapy. Annoying we keep pausing for various reasons, which isnt great when shes the only person I really have to talk to. Currently it's becuase in the last session I talked about previously going to hang myself and current mood swings (even tho I told her this in the first session), now she want's to wait until I have had a GP appointment to talk about my latest blood/kidney/liver etc results so she knows what MH treatment im on (which doesnt make sense). The reason being is she doesnt want to continue it if I'm not stable enough to talk about somthing as difficult as gender and put me at risk of being suicidal again (which is ironic if she knew what I been doing here lol)
So in summary live alone, die alone, career slavery in whatever meangless job I cant get after ruining my existing meaningless but well paid job.
I have finally reached the end, I'm close to 3000 words and been writing I think for 2.5hours in one sitting lol. I don't expect anyone to read this long waffle but if anyone did happen to and had any tips it would be apreciated. Cant beleive I waffled in for so long, sorry if it doesnt make sense to tired to proof read!
I have found my motivation to CBT to not be around very recently. I think it's because I had originally set my initial (earliest date I would allow myself) CBT as yesterday and the fear of death has at least momentarily shaken it out of me. My mood is ever changing so I could be back on the CBT wheel for all I know in the morning, but I wanted to at least use this time when I feel pretty good with no CBT motivation to see if I can try and change something.
Initially I was going to try and take a break from SS or at least reduce my time on it, unfortunately I always have one online addiction which I must check for updates cumulatively. Thats SS right now, so taking a break isn't really possible without extreme effort. Instead I thought I would visit the recovery page, and see what insight you lovely people have. Unfortunately the things which pushed me in the direction of CBT still exist, they just aren't weighing me down. I'm very much drifting through life as it falls apart around me, and I have no idea how to stop that. Sometime it helps to have an outside perspective particularly when you have been feeling low, hence me asking for any advice here.
My problems are multi faceted so I expect this post is about to get very long. Edit OMG so long, particuarly the career portion I completley waffle on, maybe find another post to read. I dony know why I said half the shit I have - other than to embarass myself lol So I will thank anyone now who reads through this (and everyone else for trying!). To start with a breif summary my fear and how I vision my future life is being stuck in a dead end meaningless job as I slave away for nothing. I beleive said work would be the only thing in my life as I will end up alone with no partner (or children) or no close freindships to share life with and do the things that make life worth living.
To start with my career/work (sorry this will take a while to reach its point): When I went to university (about 14 years ago now!), I started by studying Radiotherapy. I wanted a career where I felt I was helping people and felt the more physics elements catered more to my skills compared to something like nursing. Unfortunately I found university really difficult, I just could not pay attention in lectures etc, and I was poorly disorganized (which I now suspect to be undiagnosed ADHD), aditonally I really didnt enjoy placement. I failed one of my modules completley and ultimatley decided to change careers to Aerospace Engineering (typing this I realise how easily I'm probably making myself to doxx - but if anyone really wants to fuck'em - exspeacially you police). I chose it becuase I'm good at maths and felt it might be less listening and more doing which might make thing easier. Unfortunatley that wasn't the case and I struggeled through out univerity, lost motivation and just made it through each year. I felt my life would be over at the end of uni with no career prospects, and very passively hoped my uni lifestyle drinking would bump me of before graduation (I used to get sharp pain often when drinking around the kidney region - which fuelled that possibilty).
Obviously that didn't happen and I ended stuck with no idea what to do next, I had a (pretty) low grade degree and I didnt do the placement year (no motivation/wasnt organised to arrange it). I wanted to try and find a career in the charity sector, but ultimatley it's either all voluntary work or postions I would never have the skills for. After working part time in retail I managed to find a a technical role in a company, which suplemented my degree to small extent. The job was good, and I did it for a number of years, I did find concerating difficult, particuarly the longer I did it, but I managed to distract my lack of productivity by finding side jobs for myself which improved the work flow (etc.) for the company. As these were things I made thought of - people didnt really know how long they would take so my lack of productivity wasn't noticed. Unfortunatley the carreer itself wasn't great for career progress, the skills I devloped were quite unique for that job so I felt they didnt really give me the potential to move on from the job and so I stagnated. The side work I did to improve the the team operation didn't go unnoticed however and I did get offered a new job in the same company. I won't give me the job role (it's my current job and I guess I atleast pretend to be carefull about being doxxed), but it was a very different job, less technical and much more reliant on being organised and managing things. It's also much grandier role with alot of resposbility ultimatley lying on me.
I knew the job would not be a good fit for me, but I was deperate for the monies and get out of the rot I was currently in. Ultimatley in my first year I did struggle with orgnisation and things but just about managed to cope (by sweeping a few thing under the carpet where I could). I got a refferal to be tested for ADHD to try and help me, but unfortey in the UK you would be talking years to be tested and then get help via meds etc. Unfortunely it was around XMas time when I started to get low and this ultimatley made me lose motivation, which has made my capability even worse. At the start of last week where I felt pretty certain of CTBing soon my motivation basically when to zero. These days partucarly when working from home I get VERY little done, acheving in a day what most people could probably do in a hour.
Ultimatley if I lost this job I feel like I would be back at square one, without the neceasry experince/skills to pick myself up. Even if somehow managed to retain the job, it's ultimatimetly a empty 9-5 corpoerate job. When I wanted to either be helping people or somthing that fuelled my creatvity passions. Ultimatley my carreer life alone was never a reason to CBT alone, but it feels like the immediate stressor and I worry my career will be all I have.
I had a peer support mental health worker for a short while who sign posted me to a charity who helps people with mental health struggles with their carreers. I'm on the waiting list but I don't really see this helping, as there unfortunatley isnt a magic switch that will make things fine.
Close Freindships: Moving away from my career one of my challenges is I don't really have any freinds to do things with. I do have people I'm freinds with from hobbies I do, but ultimatley we meet and talk about the hobby nothing more. I'm also is a couple of social groups, one I have been in a while and one is a transgender (and similiar) social group I joined recently. However I really struggle in social groups, I'm always the arkward quite one in the group. I never really have anything intresting to say, and end up drifting into my own head. I also struggle to hear over noise which can make things harder. I can also get quite anxious joining new groups, feeling like people don't want me there and ultimatley opting not to engage in conversation. This makes it really hard for me to create those closer freindships, the sort of freindships where you do other thingd togeather. Be it go to the cinema, grab a coffee, go clubbing, go on a holiday etc etc. Ultimatlety it makes me feel like out missing out on these things in life as my life wastes away with only work and that I will become evermore alone in life.
Gender/Sexuality: My Gender and sexuality and big topics of confusion for me, ultimatley I have no idea who I am. With sexulaity; romantically and physically only attracted to females, however I don't have the same desire when it comes to sex (most of the time - brain cant make it's mind up). I am not attracted to males, and find the idea of being intimate with one repulsive - but when it comes to the sexual acts then I'm attracted to the idea of it with a male. This is ultimatley so confusing at leaves having no idea I want from a relationship.
The same is similiar with Gender. My brain would switch back and from from feeling like I should be female (born male) and feeling like I being crazy before. When feeling like wanting to be female the desire took over and I impulsively started taking HRT from a online vendor about a year ago. In fairness taking HRT did settle that sharp feeling of my mind switching back and forth but the doubt still remains in my head that I'm making a grave mistake - apart of it just all feels wrong. I haven't even begun transiting in other ways (like voice, or being female outside), which is all backwards. Transiting at 32 as someone is tall (for a male) and large frame I feel I will never actually be passable and my self consiousness will just make it harder to develop new freinships and relationships which ultimatley is just going to contribute to me feeling more alone in life - particarly with the stigma trans people have to go through in life. I'm also terried of breaking the news to freinds but particarly family. I don't think I could ever break it to them about being trans, particuarly my Dad I just think it would breal their hearts. I know people will say it's their problem, but I care for them and there good people I just don't think they will find it easy at all (my Dad has pretty conservative views).
Relationships: As a 32 year old I have never been in a relationship, and extremly little in the sense of sexual encounters (nothing more than fooling around - mostly when I was a boy). The reasons being the issues I have mentioned, it's difficult to have a relationship when your unsure of your own sexulaity/gender/process of transiting above but also fears of intimacy. Despite wanting it I find the idea of being close to someone intimadely as awarkward, anxious and unfortable. I guess I fear of my own inadequacies as well. It's just one large nasty cocktail that makes it impossible to start a relationship and beleive I will never have one - spending my life alone as I grow old.
Teddy bear beleif / OCD like rituals: Even if I managed to start dating anyone I would never be able to take them to mine long term, out of fear of them thinking me crazy and leaving me. I will try to avoid going into unesary detail (I actually once wrote a full post going into full detail - but didnt send it as I realised it not relevant and just me waffling about myself), but since being a kid I always beleived my Teds were alive and concious, these days I think this beleif can be weak or strong at different time - I'm able to discuss it critically now but when I'm with them I feel sure of their existence. I had a close connection to them particuarly with 'main' ted, this really strengthened when I was on holiday as a kid and asking for a signal and seeing the ted give a smile back. I still get this today and can sense that their alive, like you can sense other beings being alive, when I'm being critical of my own beleives if they arn't alive it's not a visual haluication but rather me subcicously alterleting my head/eye position to give that illusion. Anyway I would always keep my main ted with me, so he didnt miss out on tv etc (I probably was around 12 at the time?), I would also speak to them in mind, where my teds would talk back (me critcally evaluating it now if not real; they not auditory haluciations but internalised where my mind creating their dialougue) - my parents became worried and my sister warned me that they were gonna get a psycholgist unless I quit it. So I kept all my teds on my ted from then on but was still worried about them missing out on things. So I created rules in my head that I would tell them so they could do it all with me psykickly etc. These rules became larger and larger over time, particalry as I was worried about my other teds becoming jealous of main ted and betraying them - so I had to make sure the rules meant they could do what they wanted without them being able to harm each other. The rules became compulusive as a kid and one point dominated most of the day and included the need to touch wood, count walls etc as part of the ritual of thinking over the rules. I managed to take control my summarsing alot of the rules which made it easier to manage and these days I still need to think these rules before I watch tv/eat dinner/do anything significant - but it doesnt dominate the day by any stretch. However that said the rules aren't just things I can imagine in my head alot of the time I still need to go to them phyiscally to tell them what I'm up to, with a similiar but different ritual I need to do when I'm with them phyiscally.
It's the need of these 'physical' rituals with the teds and having them around which will cuase the problems, it's obviously gonna spook any potential partners (and probable everyone reading this lol), and I would never betray my teds. So I'm stuck knowing I will never develop a relationship due to this and another reason that I will be alone.
Where I'm at now: At Xmas I became really low, I think the trigger was that I had load of holiday booked off as I had no one to use it with over the year and it was all wasted becuase I became physically ill - which just highlighted I was wasting my life. Secondarily over Christmas it highlighted that my Sisters were now close with their partners, one with children and starting their own Xmas family traditions - and ultimatlety we will soon drift apart into our own families which I have none and will never have. It reminded me of how previously in new years I would be ashamed of having no parties to go to, so I would lie telling people I have plans and book a hotel to spend new years in - just to hide my shame - I felt that lonelness would be my norm.
I became sucidal and had a planned day to CBT by partial hanging (before I joined SS so woulda failed). On the day I coudent go through with it - mostly becuase I didnt want to hurt my family. I decided though that I needed to do somthing if I was going to continue living, and confessed everything to my GP in the hopes there may be a path foward. I had a mental health assesment with a MH practioner and we came up with a plan to do one step at a time (so not to overwhelm with stuff to do). She sign posted me a charity that offer free therapy for people with sexuality/gender issues that impact mental health. I decided to do this first as I felt it was more time urgent with my use of HRT. Second she suggested DBT to help managing my emotions with SH etc. (the signpost was just to a online self help which doesnt look great - but tbf she said there might be further assistance if I feel I need it later. Lastly CBT if I felt I need it to manage my compulsions.
The problem looking back to it I guess is that I dont beleive it addreses my problems much. Sure the gender counselling is a key point, but I'm not sure how helpful its going to be - sometimes I feel like Im not confused it's just my brain that is broken. While DBT and CBT dont really adress my problems. I coudent really careless that I SH when my world is crumbling around me and it just feels like a acute consequence of this (ok not completley true as I would SH more subtley before - I think the heigntened emotions from estrogen has perhaps revealed a MH condtion that way laying more dorman). While CBT is going to help, the problem isnt the time taken doing rituals, it's that I cant bring a partner around without scaring them away. Meanwhile ADHD assesment will come far to late to save my carreer (beyond that anyway), so I'm basically alone dealing with that. And I'm still socially awarkward, fearful of intimacy etc etc which is blocking my prospects of obtaining close freinships/relationships.
In terms of treatment I'm curenttly doing the Gender therapy. Annoying we keep pausing for various reasons, which isnt great when shes the only person I really have to talk to. Currently it's becuase in the last session I talked about previously going to hang myself and current mood swings (even tho I told her this in the first session), now she want's to wait until I have had a GP appointment to talk about my latest blood/kidney/liver etc results so she knows what MH treatment im on (which doesnt make sense). The reason being is she doesnt want to continue it if I'm not stable enough to talk about somthing as difficult as gender and put me at risk of being suicidal again (which is ironic if she knew what I been doing here lol)
So in summary live alone, die alone, career slavery in whatever meangless job I cant get after ruining my existing meaningless but well paid job.
I have finally reached the end, I'm close to 3000 words and been writing I think for 2.5hours in one sitting lol. I don't expect anyone to read this long waffle but if anyone did happen to and had any tips it would be apreciated. Cant beleive I waffled in for so long, sorry if it doesnt make sense to tired to proof read!
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