Help Advice on a suicide note's impact on others?

[LonelyKitten]

I hope it's okay I give some pre-text/context to my situation, to try and establish how and why I'm having difficulty when it comes to assessing what to do about leaving a potential note.
This turned out rather long, I apologize if it's inappropriate.
Maybe this post itself is somewhat of a note?

So I know I said I wanted to end things on my birthday this month (which I instead spent thinking about suicide alone :o), but alas, I did not ctb yet.
Still should have (most of?) one more shot of medication left, means I have at least 1-2 more weeks.

Survival instinct is strong as hell.
Honestly, in contrast to how things used to be, I really don't *want* to die, despite having been suicidal and acted on that my entire life.
I've confirmed this much from my further thinking about stuff.
What delayed me is that, after my miracle attempt to return home failed, I kept swiveling between making *yet another* last ditch attempt at returning home (this time, alone, and this would risk literally all of my person, as well as deplete my remaining resources), to try and get to 'fix' things "somehow", or just finally doing jumping as I have had planned.

Same as before though, even with the SI, my objective situation is still terrible.
I don't *want* to massively suffer for a long time, either.
I fucked my life up *really*, really badly.
I'm screwed, and by extension, I can't do anything for those I like, or those around me, devolving into projecting nothing but negativity outward.

I thought about it more and I feel extreme guilt over needlessly putting myself in this situation.
During childhood, I was constantly suicidal, no reason to live, didn't care what happened to me.
In fact, I craved absurd experiences "before I die", because "it's all meaningless anyway".

But I was saved from that reality at 18, by the best friend I've ever had, and a whole family taking me in (in a new country, to boot).
I was finally given a lot of real chances, support, a future. Even family, and reasons to live for.
Yet I didn't fully change my behaviors in time.
Struggled to trust, and to fully make use of all this opportunity.
Still gravitated toward treating myself like dirt, seeking extreme gratification.
Eventually made myself trapped back here again, in a situation near identical to the one I fled as a child - except for the personal and material gains made during my time abroad.
My reality is unbearable once again, only the internet and technology offer a bit of reprieve.

But I look at what I have/had today, none of it I would have had without them.
This strong will to live, the human connections I made for the first time, this medication, these technologies and distractions, these clothes, this bed, the very phone I type this text on.
It's precisely these gains that have kept me going so long despite being stuck back here.

How have I thanked them for all of this?
Breaking it all.
Might as well have spat in their faces.
I'm likely to lose what little is left of it all.
Fuck. I ended up an objectively horrible person.
I don't even deserve help anymore, if anything could even possibly help me get my life together at this point.

With that out of the way, so yeah, I'd been thinking about delay sending a suicide message before I would jump.
I already traumatized her enough, so I worry about just making it worse with a note.

But at the bare minimum, letting them and/or others know is good, right?
They'd never know of my passing without the message, we're thousands of miles apart now.
I think I should avoid veering into self-pity in a note - yes I needed genuine help as a child, but I myself fucked up as an adult once I got said help.
I can't blame anybody but myself.
The record proves that I simply failed.
I don't even deserve the (relative) physical safety I still enjoy (false sense of security btw, it's temporary).

In spite of knowing my fault, my own suffering is still extremely strong and I can not ignore that.
I can't cope with being here (country and specific location in it is source of childhood trauma) any longer, every day and night is hell.
It takes drowning in coping mechanisms throughout the entire day to get through it, barely leaving any space for anything beyond eating and basic hygiene.
Crucially, that has severely disrupted me when I attempted meaningful improvements, leading me to believe it just can not realistically happen anymore - especially with the lack of external guidance and my understanding of life here.
Add to that these trauma-infused surroundings.
The nights are even worse as I can't distract.
Once I turn off the screens, it's all gone, and I'm all alone again.
My thoughts have become near unintelligble, and I can think of little more than wanting the pain to stop.
So having lost the executive function to do much of anything elaborate, idk, I might just reduce a note to be "informative" of my end, and little more, at this point.

Do y'all have any advice regarding a note in general, and/or in my situation specifically?
I'm trying to balance my own needs with that of people I love that I hurt, as well as those who came to know me, and would be curious to hear some outside input.
I know my needs are of comparative lesser importance than the others' because of my misdeeds/failures, but I feel intense suffering all the same, so I need to address it.
Even without much of a note to them or others I know, at the bare minimum I seek the relief ctb offers.
I can't take this cycle anymore.
But I fear the impact that things like a note, giving away belongings or money to folks and similar things would have on them, because I can't think clearly enough to adequately assess such impact on someone else anymore.

Any feedback is much appreciated.

 

[Ligand]

I've read pretty extensively about this specific topic as I've written my note, including many different accounts of how suicide notes affected the loved ones of suicided people. Honestly the results are pretty mixed. But based on what I've read, it seems like the notes that people appreciate the most are the ones that basically just apologize and express how much you care about the people that you've left behind. It also seems like people appreciate when notes say that you've been planning it for a while- that way it feels less impulsive. People really seem to dislike notes that are rushed, angry, or full of self-criticisms that they don't personally believe in or care about.

This next part will sound like I'm trying to guilt you, but I'm not as I will probably kill myself at some point. I'm not trying to take the highroad here. A note will not make up for even a fraction of the space that you will leave behind in your loved ones lives. This is especially true considering the fact that you still care about these people. If there's any part of you that still wants to live or that thinks you can still live, I would contact the people that you are considering apologizing to in your note and telling them that you are in dire need of help. You wouldn't be lying- you're asking for help about writing a suicide note on a suicide forum. You might inconvenience them a bit, but it will be way less of an inconvenience than killing yourself. I've only added this second part based on the fact that in your post you don't really seem very convinced that dying is your best option, and honestly it might not be your best option. We do suicide for ourselves- it's almost never a selfless act. But you're an adult and you have the right to make your own decisions.

 

[snowcloud9]

I can offer you some feedback since I'm writing my note as well!

I've asked all my irl friends (subtly of course), and they've all said that if something happened and they weren't able to change the outcome, that they'd rather get an explanation than not. So writing a note is a good idea if you want your loved ones to be able to get over your death. Btw, if you're planning on ctbing you might want to do it in a location where they can't find you--like if someone tries to save you and fails you want it to not be them.

You want to write a note where you make sure that people know that it's not their fault, that they've done all that they can and that you appreciate it, but that you don't want to suffer anymore. Since people have a tendency to blame themselves for people dying, you need to attribute your reasons to yourself.

I don't even deserve help anymore

Don't add this in your note for example, people will be upset about it and blame themselves for you feeling this way. I feel like generally being self-deprecating in a note is not good, it gives it an extra heavy air. Just my opinion, but I think it's better to phrase it with neutral and positive content only. Personally, my note only contains an "I love you" and an explanation for why I chose to die.

I know my needs are of comparative lesser importance than the others' because of my misdeeds/failures

Just think of how other people would react to the things that you say, and if they would tell you it's not true, then don't put it in? Like, "I feel like a failure" is not as arguable as "I am a failure". You don't want people to think that your depression made you delusional and that they could've done something more than they already do now to help and 'cure' you.

But I fear the impact that things like a note, giving away belongings or money to folks and similar things would have on them, because I can't think clearly enough to adequately assess such impact on someone else anymore.

I think it's okay to give away money. With belongings, I don't really know. If it bothers you a lot you can try to sell your belongings? But I think if you stored everything that belonged to you in like a box or something, so that people don't have to look at it until they're ready, it'd be fine.

And before you ctb, make sure you burn or delete things that you don't want people to see. If you're bothered about what they'd think of you after your death.

---

This next part will sound like I'm trying to guilt you, but I'm not as I will probably kill myself at some point. I'm not trying to take the highroad here. A note will not make up for even a fraction of the space that you will leave behind in your loved ones lives. This is especially true considering the fact that you still care about these people.

You are so right. I'm not even sure if my ex wanted a suicide note, but I'm able to imagine that if I were to ask him, he would say that he doesn't want a suicide note or lack of a suicide note, he wants me to be alive. I have written 4 drafts of the note, but none of them are good enough for him. It's frustrating. What motivates me to keep writing is because of selfishness, because I'd rather not suffer than prevent other people from being sad.

 

[LonelyKitten]

Thank you both for your advice! I have a better sense of what to write now.

You are so right. I'm not even sure if my ex wanted a suicide note, but I'm able to imagine that if I were to ask him, he would say that he doesn't want a suicide note or lack of a suicide note, he wants me to be alive. I have written 4 drafts of the note, but none of them are good enough for him. It's frustrating. What motivates me to keep writing is because of selfishness, because I'd rather not suffer than prevent other people from being sad.

I can relate to this.
I'd been drafting notes endlessly throughout all this, in fact, over the years I have made so many notes, revising, revising, always revising.
It never stops. I don't think they can be perfect, they will just "be".
Actually, I did slip out openly about being heavily suicidal to those closest to me - and they said much of the same.
I kept asking, or generally, hinting indirectly "do you want this? Is there anything you need? Can I send you money?", and the answers were always no, no, "I don't want you to send me all your money so you can go [ctb] yourself."

It is a bizarre paradigm - while alive, we will never be able to figure out what they will have wanted to make it any easier once the deed is done, because they will want us to live.
Once we are gone, as they think about the loss, those thoughts of what they wanted will come to them - yet we are gone, and can no longer do those things or even witness them at all.

This next part will sound like I'm trying to guilt you, but I'm not as I will probably kill myself at some point. I'm not trying to take the highroad here. A note will not make up for even a fraction of the space that you will leave behind in your loved ones lives. This is especially true considering the fact that you still care about these people. If there's any part of you that still wants to live or that thinks you can still live, I would contact the people that you are considering apologizing to in your note and telling them that you are in dire need of help. You wouldn't be lying- you're asking for help about writing a suicide note on a suicide forum. You might inconvenience them a bit, but it will be way less of an inconvenience than killing yourself. I've only added this second part based on the fact that in your post you don't really seem very convinced that dying is your best option, and honestly it might not be your best option. We do suicide for ourselves- it's almost never a selfless act. But you're an adult and you have the right to make your own decisions.

I hope it's okay, but I want to answer this too, mainly to kinda get something off my chest.
Truth is, I did scream for help, in pretty much every available corner I had, for over a year now.
Anyone who could help tried their best.
In fact, for those that cared most, that love me the most, that I love the most - it ended up hurting them immensely, both emotionally and financially, because we just couldn't find a workable solution, yet threw a LOT at trying to find one, on both ends.
I feel extreme guilt for hurting them so much in the end. I love them, but can't express it properly anymore.
In fact, I actually behaved horribly during our short reunion, and I found myself entirely unable to control it.
I think my brain knows the game is up, and perhaps tried to soften the incoming blow by "making them hate me"?

At this point, the root issue(s) have turned so insolvable in praxis that I reached a point at which I am unable to take care of myself any longer.
I genuinely believe it is better for everyone involved that I just go in the long-term.
I will keep instinctively clinging to those I love, be it survival, be it loneliness, and it will only end in mutual hurt.
I failed to become independent on my own, and am looking at soon losing the means for proper survival and/or any of pulling myself out of this rut long-term.
If I have become someone that is massively suffering internally, and, externally, only manages to incontrollably project suffering, then... yeah.
Maybe I could do more for others. But I'm tired. I can't do enough for myself (or maybe, I could?). I agree it is a self-focused design.
My hope is ultimately that I guarantee no more suffering of my own, and that people can find closure sooner rather than drawing it all out.

 

[Ligand]

I hope it's okay, but I want to answer this too, mainly to kinda get something off my chest.
Truth is, I did scream for help, in pretty much every available corner I had, for over a year now.
Anyone who could help tried their best.
In fact, for those that cared most, that love me the most, that I love the most - it ended up hurting them immensely, both emotionally and financially, because we just couldn't find a workable solution, yet threw a LOT at trying to find one, on both ends.
I feel extreme guilt for hurting them so much in the end. I love them, but can't express it properly anymore.
In fact, I actually behaved horribly during our short reunion, and I found myself entirely unable to control it.
I think my brain knows the game is up, and perhaps tried to soften the incoming blow by "making them hate me"?

At this point, the root issue(s) have turned so insolvable in praxis that I reached a point at which I am unable to take care of myself any longer.
I genuinely believe it is better for everyone involved that I just go in the long-term.
I will keep instinctively clinging to those I love, be it survival, be it loneliness, and it will only end in mutual hurt.
I failed to become independent on my own, and am looking at soon losing the means for proper survival and/or any of pulling myself out of this rut long-term.
If I have become someone that is massively suffering internally, and, externally, only manages to incontrollably project suffering, then... yeah.
Maybe I could do more for others. But I'm tired. I can't do enough for myself (or maybe, I could?). I agree it is a self-focused design.
My hope is ultimately that I guarantee no more suffering of my own, and that people can find closure sooner rather than drawing it all out.

It really sucks that things have been so shitty for you, I understand why you've gotten to this point. I hope things get better for you soon.

 

[Need Peace]

Thank you for this post. I've been struggling to write one myself. I'm sorry to hear things have gone so wrong. I get it. I hope you can find peace.

Truth is, I did scream for help, in pretty much every available corner I had, for over a year now.
Anyone who could help tried their best.
In fact, for those that cared most, that love me the most, that I love the most - it ended up hurting them immensely, both emotionally and financially, because we just couldn't find a workable solution, yet threw a LOT at trying to find one, on both ends.

May I ask what kind of help did they give you?

Thanks

 

[LonelyKitten]

May I ask what kind of help did they give you?

A lot. So much. Friendship. Financial assistance. Emotional support. Even recently took me to the border to try and see if I can come back home.

And that's not even counting the absurd amount of help they gave me in years past. Pretty much propped me up entirely from nothing.
None of it worked out in the end, I still didn't amount to anything on my own. It just artificially prolonged my lifespan.
I feel so damn guilty about it all. Before I fully broke everything, I started really making amends, but that's all been negated now.
If I stick around after all that, I know I'll never be able to make even a fraction back up to them, let alone realistically keep contact in the long-term anymore.
If I ctb, knowing them, they'll probably still be hurt by it, even after my infinite fucking up.

That's a big part of what I personally find difficult about writing a note. It goes to those connected, those I want *not* to hurt.
I *had* people I wanted to be close to, but the note is saying "we will never meet again", while in reality, I want the opposite.
But it hurts too much knowing I'll waste away in a distant life not of my own, losing all those cherished contacts, and any hope of similar levels of connection over years and decades.

 

[Princess Picta]

I read somewhere that the majority of suicides do not leave a note.
I've tried to write a note many times. It's really hard. Honestly I don't think I'm going to leave one. I have a certain amount of contempt for the people in my life who were supposed to be my support system.

It sounds like you have less contempt and maybe want to leave them with something to comfort them or help them understand. Maybe just write a simple letter direct letter to that effect? You could write a short individual note to each person. Have you considered making a video instead? You could just speak from the heart and leave it at that. It will probably be less nerve wrecking than writing and proofreading a letter. No message will be perfect. For me the act of taking my life and of leaving a final message are separate and I really don't think I'm gonna have the energy to do both when it comes down to it.

Idk if this helps. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to leave a note, and if you do, it doesn't have to be a big ultimate volume, it could just be something simple.