Discussion Advice on a complicated situation.

[Coffeandamug]

Hello SS, here again after a hiatus. Guys I (very luckily) got to do therapy, and the therapist was very good. I could freely talk about my wishes to die (which to this day I'm not completely certain of, but there's a big chance I'll cbt). I told her, at the beginning of our sessions, that I believed every adult should have the right to die. And she never tried to talk me out of it; she's more worried that I do it responsibly. I haven't told my therapist yet about my recent thoughts. I have 2 sisters, one who is more loving and caring, and the other, well... sometimes she does hurtful things to my parents. The thing is, my parents have always supported us financially and tried their best emotionally. They're from the middle to lower class, and yet they work every day to support us. My mom called today, very upset about my sister, because she had said some bad things about my parents. My mom asked me, "Son, when I'm older and in need of care, will you take care of me ?" That hit me like a truck. I lied to her. "Of course I'll be here, Mom". That felt so bad and so selfish. I'm almost sure I won't be here... and I believe in the right to die... but how am I going to abandon my parents ?I don't know if I'll be within the conditions to help them as well. I don't know... i'm torn between my own right to die and the responsability to my parents who always supported me...

 

[Elsie]

Neither of those is decided right now. When your mom asked that question, you answered in the moment. That doesn't mean you made a fixed promise. People do that when they're put on the spot. But still, it's still your life. Yours to decide. You don't have to decide everything now. As long as you're here and thinking about it, there's still time for things to shift. I hope it'll get better for you...

 

[-Link-]

My mom asked me, "Son, when I'm older and in need of care, will you take care of me ?" That hit me like a truck. I lied to her. "Of course I'll be here, Mom". That felt so bad and so selfish. I'm almost sure I won't be here... and I believe in the right to die... but how am I going to abandon my parents ?

Many of us are in this kind of position -- hanging on for the sake of other people and wrestling with guilt over the idea of doing otherwise.

The choice between life and death, and what factors we consider -- we all have our own values, principles, and morals in life that guide our decision-making.

Much could be spoken to as far as ways to reconcile ourselves to continued life.

But to reconcile oneself to choosing death in the face of such guilt and would-be consequences for loved ones, isn't something any third party could (should) advise on without knowing the whole of your personal story and circumstances.

I don't know if I'll be within the conditions to help them as well.

If you do decide to stay, remember you can only do the best with what you have. "Care" occurs on a wide spectrum that could range from "calling her once in a while to offer a listening ear" to "living with her and providing 24/7 nursing-like assistance." If there is a gap between the level of care she needs and the level of care you can provide, then at the very least, you can know you're doing your best and that some care is better than none at all.

But as @Elsie said, none of this needs to be decided right now.

And in your conversation with your mother today, this would have been an inopportune time to allude to your uncertain future. Instead, you gave her reassurance (and presumably made her feel just a little better) in the aftermath of a challenging conversation she had with one of your sisters, which is exactly what she needed from you in that moment.