Venting Additional response to "you didn't find the right help/didn't try hard enough!"

[TAW122]

Just had another thought pop into my mind in regards to hearing the common sayings after help isn't effective or caused unnecessary harm (and damages). This common retort that the masses, people in power, and even MHP's use are "You haven't found the right therapist (counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc.), there is someone out there that can help!" and/or "You didn't want help, you didn't try hard enough!"

These are usually said by people when the supposed current "help" was ineffective. It's like a deflection of blame and responsibility towards the patient or person who is using such services and resources. It fails to take into consideration that perhaps:
1) There is simply NO solution for certain problems (and assumes that for every problem there is a solution - not universally true!).
2) Even if there is a solution, it may not be practical (financially, logistically, feasibility, compatibility, etc.) since not everyone has the means (money, time, patience, etc.) for it.
3) The patient wants a permanent solution (which would be death in some cases) rather than just coping and having workarounds their whole life.

So yeah my response to this is that "you don't know the person's background, nor do you know how much he/she has tried and to no avail! Furthermore, not everyone has the resources such as time and money to pursue dozens and countless professionals for the off-chance that they find the right one! Even if there is that right one (assuming there is), it may not be worth all the trouble and there is no guarantee that the gem would be the person who solves the problem(s) of the patient! Finally, some patients are sick and tired of temporary solutions, workarounds, and/or just coping with life in general. Why should he/she keep on keeping on just for the sake of everyone else, at the cost of one's happiness and life? Who's more selfish then?"

Of course, I haven't sought help from any MHP in almost two years and quite frankly I'm ok with that, because I would rather my hard earned money be put to better use as well as my time. Plus, I am not playing hot potato or fire with a MHP and risk getting burned someday (metaphorically speaking of course - I think you get my analogy). I only find it infuriating that people who either know me or don't still spew this as if it is gospel which it isn't. For the people that it helped, well that's great, I'm happy for them and wish them well, but for me and others in similar boats, it's nothing more than a slap in the face to all the anguish we've endured up to this point (and with more to come).

 

[Walilamdzi]

MHPs have sucked for me so I totally agree.

 

[oopswronglife]

I had a failed attempt a while ago. Before that there was no help and people recycled the same empty advice, getting upset or blowing me off when I said I had done those things repeatedly and they didn't work. Since the attempt...same story. It's always my fault for "rejecting advice" or doing it wrong. Once in a while a decent person admits how messed up and unfair it is and says they wish it was different, but most just blame the victim.

 

[bpdandme]

Preach, people think I am not getting help when I have had consistent bad experiences with mental health professionals.

 

[per_aspera_ad_astra]

It's amazing just how casually "getting help" is treated. People say it as if getting help means getting a cure for your mental illness, when in reality, mental illness is typically something that stays with you your entire life.

 

[Epsilon0]

"You didn't try hard enough."
"You don't want to get better."

If I had a penny for every time I heard that from my ex. When he was telling me this bs, I was too dazed by my illness to properly defend myself, and I would get anxiety attacks and just cry for hours.

But now I could think of a thing or two to say to him, starting with:

I'm not saying you're an idiot. I am just saying you are a .22 caliber mind in a .357 Magnum world.

 

[William Barker]

I always found the best therapist to be that man in the mirror. No else fully understands, right?

 

[TAW122]

I had a failed attempt a while ago. Before that there was no help and people recycled the same empty advice, getting upset or blowing me off when I said I had done those things repeatedly and they didn't work. Since the attempt...same story. It's always my fault for "rejecting advice" or doing it wrong. Once in a while a decent person admits how messed up and unfair it is and says they wish it was different, but most just blame the victim.

Exactly, and I am thinking that most people not only don't know better but also refuse to see reality for what it is, maybe they are afraid of it and would be easier to project their fear and attitudes to another person. If anything, it just alienates people like us even more.

It's amazing just how casually "getting help" is treated. People say it as if getting help means getting a cure for your mental illness, when in reality, mental illness is typically something that stays with you your entire life.

Yeah, most people are ignorant.

I'm not saying you're an idiot. I am just saying you are a .22 caliber mind in a .357 Magnum world.

I like that analogy and sadly, that is the world that we live in. Most pro-lifers are the .357's while the pro-choicers may be the .22's.

@William Barker Yeah, pretty I can relate. The things that helped me were achieving my goals even as bizarre as it may seem to most people, but that has brought more joy and results for me than religion or psych.

 

[262653]

I like that analogy and sadly, that is the world that we live in. Most pro-lifers are the .357's while the pro-choicers may be the .22's.

Wait... are you're saying that pro-lifers have more power in this world? Not that I disagree, just wondering where you go with this analogy.

 

[TAW122]

Well, @Epsilon0's analogy/metaphor was more along the lines of that we (pro-choicers) are more like apples while (pro-lifers) are oranges, so trying to compare the two and reason with them is like a comparison with apples and oranges. Now as another figure of speech, in a sense, yes pro-lifers are far more powerful than we pro-choicers are in the sense that they comprise of the majority of humanity, most of the people in power (elites, government officials, government itself) are pro-life, and also many institutions and laws are geared towards pro-life, anti-choice.

 

[darkhorse256]

Agreed. Most MHPs I've talked to either straight up don't care or make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do.

 

[Epsilon0]

@thrw_a_way1221221
@Burzolog

What I meant with the ".22 caliber mind in a 357 Magnum world" comment is to say that the person was stupid, that their mind was too small to comprehend the complexity of the situation.


A .22 caliber mind cannot even begin to comprehend a 357 Magnum world.

(Byt the way this is a nod to the great show by Aaron Sorkin called The West Wing.)

 

[Imani]

This is a sad, sad cyclical reality. My first interaction with MHP was as a teenager. In less than 30 minutes I was "diagnosed" yet there were NO discussions about my past childhood traumas that were finally coming to the surface. I was prescribed pills that were experimental and essentially made me worse and I was never treated like a human being that was simply in a bad place and unable to find the words and safe place to discuss my pain. When I got off of those concoctions I self-healed with art and somehow met 1 therapist that actually saw me and heard me and validated me. Unfortunately I moved from that place, but I kept her encouragement w/ me.

Years later new traumas presented themselves and I didn't know how to defend myself. I was still that shocked/frozen child only in the face of danger and abuse. Outside of these pains I was fine and ambitious and progressive.

Then I was raped again and my world has since spiraled out of control with unexpected/unfortunate experiences happening back to back to back to back to the point where I am just done. I attempted to engage with various public service entities and nonprofits in a 4 month span and they ALL failed me, judged me and ensured they'd help when they didn't. You could feel and at times hear their skepticism for my presenting issues and I had enough. I would have been better self soothing and denying the rape rather than being revictimized repeatedly by those that actually get millions in funding to HELP people like us. They were not trauma-informed, they were rude, and they let this man get away with such a heinous crime and treated me like I was alternatively the criminal and the one to blame.

It amazes me how "shocked" and surprised researchers and providers are when one chooses to simply end their lives when they are likely the ones who either contributed or actively disengaged. They spend all this money and time on research and cookie cutter resources on patients and/or victims, but neglect to scrutinize and assess the providers. If either of these people/places were actually audited or given a few "secret patient" assessments (similar to secret shoppers) they would all be shut the f^ck down.

Because we are in crisis we are often not taken seriously. We aren't heard. We are placed in a box and they utilize a checklist to make determinations regarding our needs and struggles as if it were all textbook and that simple.

I sincerely hope that one day our world, especially our country gets on the same page from front line workers/providers to those in these million dollar labs and innovation spaces. There is such a huge disconnect with new findings and studies that are NOT reflected at the point of care and servicing. What's really the point of it all if so many of us are dying daily when there exists profound technology and discoveries that could help. I've honestly come to believe from personal experiences and just an analysis of the functioning of these facilities/centers that they don't WANT us to heal. Our mass healing limits their funding and their presence within the community. If we are collectively and consciously healed, they make no money and have no trivial campaigns to promote. If they remain on the surface of our pain(s), they never have to dig deeper.

It's a sad reality that I no longer want to succumb to.

 

[262653]

@thrw_a_way1221221
@Burzolog

Whar I meant with the "22. caliber mind in a 357 Magnum world" comment is to say that the person was stupid, that their mind was too small to comprehend the complexity of the situation.


A 22 caliber mind cannot even begin to comprehend a 357 Magnum world.

(Byt the way this is a nod to the great show by Aaron Sorkin called The West Wing.)

Yeah, that's how I understood your usage of the analogy. After I read it yesterday, I went to the kitchen arguing with myself about the purpose of these subtle ways of saying things. What's the attraction? Why do we sometimes avoid saying things directly? (You're not smart enough to understand the complexity of this situation.)

Unorganized thoughts. Reach attack, protection, avoiding dangers of direct confrontation, openly attacked person goes into defensive stance and is less willing to cooperate, simpler to back away when being called out, can provide us with a sense of superiority which might feel good.
Tradition of "foreplay", or being interesting in things while feigning disinterest. What's the purpose?
There's the comical (and maybe artistic?) side of subtle ways that makes them appealing.

I got the impression that Taw122 used it differently because he didn't use the word "mind", and even if he meant it, that doesn't make sense to me because it would mean that most pro-lifers have a better understanding of... the main topic we're talking about here.

 

[Epsilon0]

Hello there @Burzolog

I have heard you talk about language ambiguity and the "frustration" you feel at the way language is used.

I have a few things to say about that, but I propose we take this discussion elsewhere. I will start a thread, because I think it's a very interesting topic, considering that words are everything in the context of an online forum. (ok, maybe not everything, we do have gifs and memes too and they are texts in their own right, but they're a different story for a different day).

 

[Pryras]

"Get some help, maybe you should see a therapist" - words from someone who hurt me and could very well help me heal through a genuine apology.

It's as if people think you WANT to be hurting, that you don't want to get "better" ....your pain is a choice and you're not trying hard enough.

 

[Aap]

In essence, no one can truly experience what you feel. I would not wish how I feel on another. Try to view it as a positive they don't understand.

there is a difference between imagining how inhumanizing rape is and being raped. One can't TRULY understand the other. There are good MHPs and probably far more bad ones. There is religion, spirituality, and a whole host of other things. If you can exercise/walk, start there.

 

[262653]

Hello there @Burzolog

I have heard you talk about language ambiguity and the "frustration" you feel at the way language is used.

I have a few things to say about that, but I propose we take this discussion elsewhere. I will start a thread, because I think it's a very interesting topic, considering that words are everything in the context of an online forum. (ok, maybe not everything, we do have gifs and memes too and they are texts in their own right, but they're a different story for a different day).

Alright, but I'm not guaranteeing anything, like a meaningful response. I only try to talk when there are things to say, and some things turn out to be too incomprehensible to others. (Not because of their high complexity, but their inadequate formatting, I guess.) I can promise with great certainty that I will read it at the very least.

 

[Bct]

Can't agree more with you. It's really tiring when people blame only us and assuming we aren't trying to improve, when they not consider there may be no practical solution for our problems. I haven't tried any therapy but can't stop thinking what if I can't find the correct way to solve my traumas?

Sorry for a bit of OOT since this is more about my dating problem, but it's really annoying when people say "You must be picky", "Have you ever tried Tinder?", "You must still improve yourself" when I've already tried most (if not all) solution to my almost-dateless life.