Sbetto
√\____/√\___/√\__/√\_/__________Chill guy
- Dec 6, 2024
- 206
Hi everyone,
I never thought I'd write a post like this, especially not on this forum. But today, I really think it will be the day I take my bus.
I don't know where to start, but I'll try.
I grew up in a wealthy family, I've never lacked financially, and at first glance, that might seem like a privilege. But aside from the bullying I suffered because of a speech impediment, it hasn't been easy at all.
I was mocked every day for five years in high school, and what happened there deeply marked me. It's not just a matter of money or external conditions, it's what you feel inside that counts, and I've always felt different, marginalized.
During high school, I was diagnosed with ADHD, and only recently I discovered I'm on the autism spectrum.
These diagnoses helped me understand a lot about myself, but they haven't erased the daily struggles I face.
I'm 26 years old, and compared to my friends, I feel very behind. I've never had a girlfriend, never kissed anyone, never had sex. And every time I think about it, I feel ashamed, stuck, like I'm standing still while everyone else runs ahead.
I don't have a job, I see no prospects. I've tried to get back on my feet, I swear. But every attempt hit a wall.
If there was a "reset" button, I would press it immediately. I don't say this for drama, I say it because I don't want to die, I just want to stop feeling like this.
But I've reached the point where even living the life of my dreams wouldn't be enough to find peace.
Lately, I've gotten closer to nihilist authors and philosophers, who talk about how life often has no concrete meaning and how destiny can seem predetermined from the start. In those thoughts, I found refuge, an explanation for my suffering, even if not a solution.
I look at the world around me and see only devastation: pollution poisoning the air and waters, hidden or forgotten genocides that continue to stain our history, murders and femicides that happen every day, senseless violence that seems endless.
All this weight adds to the emptiness I feel and makes it even harder to believe there could be something good or right in all of this.
I see news about young people who have taken their own lives, and I'm happy for them. I'm happy for those who die because they free themselves from a pain that seems endless to me. And inside, I think: why can they do it and I can't?
We live in an absurd world, where people suffer in silence, and when they seek help, they're ignored. I know this well.
I've been taking paroxetine for a while, and besides worsening my mental state, it also took away my libido. I can't feel pleasure anymore, not even by myself. It was the last low blow. It was the only way I had to disconnect for a moment, to still feel… human.
When I told my psychiatrist, he just told me "go to the mental health center." That was it. No listening, no empathy.
It's been six or seven months since I bought SN. In that time, I've tried to cling to anything. You, this forum, the few friends I have left, my parents. But I feel it's not enough anymore.
I can't pretend everything is fine. I can't be a bearable version of myself anymore.
I'm so sorry for the pain I'll cause, especially to my mother and also to my friends. But I see no other way.
Thanks to everyone who, even with just a comment, a message, or a word, made me feel less alone.
It's been nice to be part of this community.
I'll try to update this thread if there are any news or if I change my mind, I'll let you know.
This time, I'm almost sure I can make it.
If I don't log back in tomorrow, it means I'm no longer here.
Anyone who logs into my account after me is not me.
My Protocol:
I never thought I'd write a post like this, especially not on this forum. But today, I really think it will be the day I take my bus.
I don't know where to start, but I'll try.
I grew up in a wealthy family, I've never lacked financially, and at first glance, that might seem like a privilege. But aside from the bullying I suffered because of a speech impediment, it hasn't been easy at all.
I was mocked every day for five years in high school, and what happened there deeply marked me. It's not just a matter of money or external conditions, it's what you feel inside that counts, and I've always felt different, marginalized.
During high school, I was diagnosed with ADHD, and only recently I discovered I'm on the autism spectrum.
These diagnoses helped me understand a lot about myself, but they haven't erased the daily struggles I face.
I'm 26 years old, and compared to my friends, I feel very behind. I've never had a girlfriend, never kissed anyone, never had sex. And every time I think about it, I feel ashamed, stuck, like I'm standing still while everyone else runs ahead.
I don't have a job, I see no prospects. I've tried to get back on my feet, I swear. But every attempt hit a wall.
If there was a "reset" button, I would press it immediately. I don't say this for drama, I say it because I don't want to die, I just want to stop feeling like this.
But I've reached the point where even living the life of my dreams wouldn't be enough to find peace.
Lately, I've gotten closer to nihilist authors and philosophers, who talk about how life often has no concrete meaning and how destiny can seem predetermined from the start. In those thoughts, I found refuge, an explanation for my suffering, even if not a solution.
I look at the world around me and see only devastation: pollution poisoning the air and waters, hidden or forgotten genocides that continue to stain our history, murders and femicides that happen every day, senseless violence that seems endless.
All this weight adds to the emptiness I feel and makes it even harder to believe there could be something good or right in all of this.
I see news about young people who have taken their own lives, and I'm happy for them. I'm happy for those who die because they free themselves from a pain that seems endless to me. And inside, I think: why can they do it and I can't?
We live in an absurd world, where people suffer in silence, and when they seek help, they're ignored. I know this well.
I've been taking paroxetine for a while, and besides worsening my mental state, it also took away my libido. I can't feel pleasure anymore, not even by myself. It was the last low blow. It was the only way I had to disconnect for a moment, to still feel… human.
When I told my psychiatrist, he just told me "go to the mental health center." That was it. No listening, no empathy.
It's been six or seven months since I bought SN. In that time, I've tried to cling to anything. You, this forum, the few friends I have left, my parents. But I feel it's not enough anymore.
I can't pretend everything is fine. I can't be a bearable version of myself anymore.
I'm so sorry for the pain I'll cause, especially to my mother and also to my friends. But I see no other way.
Thanks to everyone who, even with just a comment, a message, or a word, made me feel less alone.
It's been nice to be part of this community.
I'll try to update this thread if there are any news or if I change my mind, I'll let you know.
This time, I'm almost sure I can make it.
If I don't log back in tomorrow, it means I'm no longer here.
Anyone who logs into my account after me is not me.
My Protocol:
- 4:00 PM — 2 tablets of 5 mg Metoclopramide
- 7:00 PM — 2 tablets of 5 mg Metoclopramide
- 10:00 PM — 2 tablets of 5 mg Metoclopramide
- 11:00 PM — 3 tablets of 200 mg Ibuprofen
- 11:30 PM — mix Sodium Nitrite (SN)
- 11:35–11:40 PM — 1–2 mg of Alprazolam
- 12:00 AM — wait for the effect of Alprazolam, possibly take more Alprazolam up to a maximum of 8 mg, accompanied by Sodium Nitrite (SN)
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