Addicted to self isolation

[bl33ding_heart]

I don't like being lonely, and I really do want real friends. But there's this part of me that strongly desires to be alone. Even from romantic connections that I end up revolving my entire life and sense of well being around. I know I can't function while alone. But I desire it so deeply, like eve desiring the forbidden apple. Being alone makes me feel horribly depressed. But having people in my life feels sort of draining and overbearing. I don't know why, but having people close feels weirdly intrusive and uncomfortable. I feel like my personal space is being intruded and I end up giving into my tendency to self isolate, and ruining the connection I could have had with someone. I have no idea why I feel this way and why I do it. But I really hate it, and it makes my life miserable.

 

[Idkwhylive]

Humans are social animals

 

[kurikaesu]

i relate heavily and am struggling with the same thing. don't ever undermine having friends. even though they can cause a lot of pain for yourself, having someone to even just bullshit around with is an amazing thing. its just keeping up and having a consistent friendship with someone is indeed very exhausting and discouraging sometimes

 

[dirkw83]

Well. I thought I loved being alone too, I can only say once you're permanently alone life loses all color because you no longer make new memories, and the only meaningful memories you have are from the time you weren't alone. Do what you can to keep your friends, trust me. You will become a very sad person without them.

 

[oneirataxia]

Romanticizing the issue of you needing space and time alone to recuperate as "like Eve desiring the forbidden apple" really won't do you any good. Maybe you're subconsciously clinging onto your own unhappiness and you're making bad decisions under the notion that it's "beautifully broken and twisted." I can assure you that it isn't in any way romantic for the people around you. If you're performing these bouts of "self-isolation" in a way that's abrupt and in a way that inconveniences and worries the people around you, it's obnoxious and it shows other people that you don't respect their feelings or their time. That's what I'm led to believe from the way a lot of information is omitted in this post, but I could be wrong.

You just have to set better boundaries and communicate with the people in your life better that you need some time alone. No one will be able to guess what's going on inside your head, and when you need time alone versus when you want to hang out with people. You have to learn how to balance your time alone and your time with people if you want to be happy and you don't want to keep ruining your connections. You have to start now. Wistfully and ambiguously writing about your own point of view on a suicide forum where the majority of people will just passively relate and agree won't improve your life if you don't reflect and put in effort to be better at communication.

 

[nettspend]

I also relate to this.

I always manage to find a reason to cut ties with both friends and girlfriends, even when there is no real reason to. I often complain about being lonely, yet when people try to befriend me I ignore them. I rarely go to events that I am invited to, even if I like the people who invited me. It's really quite odd. I think part of it is that I mask in a certain way when interacting with people, sort of playing a role. Letting them get to know me more deeply would let them discover the real me, which I'm quite afraid of.

The alternative is then to continue playing this role, even in private, but that gets exhausting quickly. Sooner rather than later I find myself burning out, and at that point I'd rather cut them off than disappoint them by showing my true colors. I've heard more than once that I'm like two entirely different people in one. My most recent ex even said she felt deceived, and that she was mourning the person she thought I was. I guess I lack a sense of self, which is quite distressing.

 

[daemos]

Same thing for me except, when I do go out after enough convincing of my friends I tend to enjoy it very much. It really charges you up and lifts your mood if you have a good social experience, what I found is this: you need to balance it out properly. Have enough social events/experiences to where you feel like you're charged up, then you can do whatever you want alone. Be very careful of not overdoing isolation, as you tend to get depressed very very fast. We are social creatures.

 

[tankapi]

I completely understand. Last year I left where I was living maybe 20 times total. This year I started out trying really hard to be more social and to go out, but I'm back to avoiding leaving my room for weeks at a time. It's so easy with grocery delivery.

I feel like experiencing life causes me pain and it's so much easier to reduce how I feel by simply...not experiencing anything. I'd rather stay mentally checked out watching videos and reading alone behind a closed door.

You don't sound weird to me, you sound just like me.

 

[violetforever]

you just wrote my exact thoughts and feelings better than i could have. pure avoidancy i guess.

 

[ZeroRedz02]

Humans are social animals

Doesn't apply for me, i love the loneliness i could travel for life still i wouldn't feel a lack of humanity connection. But it is so irrealistic i don't know nothing i don't have any ability for become Independent, no thanks SN would end this no-sense of a "monotonous life" i hate to be born with Agoraphobia and Social anxiety that did evolve in Social Phobia in years of life, certainly due to my detachment from social and school life, i was a true delusion in my family i am sure.

 

[isthisthingon]

I completely understand. Last year I left where I was living maybe 20 times total. This year I started out trying really hard to be more social and to go out, but I'm back to avoiding leaving my room for weeks at a time. It's so easy with grocery delivery.

I feel like experiencing life causes me pain and it's so much easier to reduce how I feel by simply...not experiencing anything. I'd rather stay mentally checked out watching videos and reading alone behind a closed door.

You don't sound weird to me, you sound just like me.

I wish there was an app, specifically a dating app for people like us. I'd love to find someone who also is okay with doing nothing. Everyone I meet wants to conquer the world still, I have nothing to offer them aside from companionship.

 

[burninghill]

I understand this.

I ghost all of my friends regularly for up to 4-5 weeks (but typically just a few days!. Usually if they send a message then I'll reply, but sometimes they never do and so we end up in a stalemate.
It's the worst when I reappear and they tell me they missed me and wondered where I'd gone, because why wouldn't you tell me that?

Luckily most of my new friends are very understanding (I lost a group of friends because of this behaviour) and know that it's not personal. I really can't help it.