raindrops
Someday, eventually
- Mar 29, 2020
- 456
To go into detail here would mean me writing a bible worth of text...I'm still going to write a lot here, after all it is a story even if I don't care for explaining it fully because truly I do not care what others do or how they live their life, it isn't for me to judge anyone or be nosey (even if I have been nosey) at least I have never tried to infiltrate someone's life like a snake. I can only hope people find true faith in God. (Let us not fight over politics or religion though)
So, let me start off by saying it like this ... sinners judging sinners. To me though actions will always speak louder than words.
I always thought that actions speak louder than words. Words are so very empty and meaningless, in my world anyway. People love to judge and assume the worst even without actions. Maybe it is just me who thinks that anyone can say anything without meaning, words are easily said yet to me it is your actions that will surely define you as a person. I will however try to use my words to express my situation truthfully and how my mind had worsened over these few years. I always tried to keep a positive mindset, I tried to love even the worst people. I tried to see through their struggles, pain or regret, although looking back through my posts I have always hated humans for their ability to be so cruel in how they judge others. I once judged people so much, I judged how clean their house is, how someone speaks or types, how someone dresses, how they smell... to even what their fucking windowsill looks like from the outside! Pathetic I was for judging others. I tried to not be so judgemental when my main issue is that I am always stuck in the past. I cannot move on from it. I have tried many things to do so. I have said many things to try and do so. I even shown my tits to try numb my pain. It didn't & hasn't worked. I can't forget it. It is burnt into my mind, the love I once had, the job and home I once had. How do you forget something like that? I can't.
If you do look back through my posts you can see my struggles with socialising and befriending people in general, so what did I do? I confided in the internet. Screw being in the real world I told myself! At least the internet isn't real, it's like an entirely separate reality, they are 2 different things - depending how you approach it. If you keep yourself invisible, it's not real, not to me it wasn't. It's only real when you act and purse to hurt someone in real time. To me though the real world is cruel, people are cruel and surely if the internet isn't exactly real then none of it matters? They share all sorts of ideologies and beliefs online but I would tell myself it doesn't matter, you can say what you want, it doesn't matter because words are easily said, they are pointless without action. The first wholesome community I found was SS and it was a blessing to speak openly about suicide ideation, to be a part of a community that understood the difficulties life has thrown at us without judgement. It was my first time being a part of an internet community that understood. The first place I could say "I'm going to kill myself" and it wouldn't matter. No judgment.
Then I found myself going into darker places, places that considered neo-nazis good, they spewed antisemitism, racism, misogyny, misandry. If I'm totally honest I found 4chan before I found SS and I battled with terrible ideologies even when I joined SS. Hateful ideologies. I had no God in me. I was naive and attached myself to hate way before love. I'm unsure why I did this yet I think it's because I wanted to be a part of something, I wanted acceptance, I wanted a community and hating is sure easier than loving...or is it? Perhaps I found a novelty side to a place like 4chan, it's for "the lulz" so it doesn't matter, right? Well I can see now it matters because taking in so much degeneracy made me think nothing mattered at all. I didn't want to talk with real life people, I didn't want to meet up with real life people. I wanted the internet, I wanted to stay indoors. I wanted to be invisible. That's all I wished for, video games, stay indoors, drink monster, stay celibate is all I wished for.
I can see now that being naive mixed with empathetic has caused me to struggle with saying "no". Being empathetic has caused me to sympathise with many different kinds of people i.e. neo-nazis, incels, racists and even rapists. Understandably you guide yourself in life but what happens to a person who has no family, no husband, who has nothing and rejects reality? You become increasingly desperate to find meaning, you want a community and so if you're like me...you wander. I wandered so far.
I can say though I never looked to find anyone in particular. I never meant to cause harm or hurt or come across as a fucking weirdo. I never meant to be "me" as I said, I wanted to be invisible. I didn't want to be real. I didn't feel real. I disassociate from reality a lot. I used my words as a means to see how it feels, it started with saying the N word, racism, then antisemitism, then I found myself taking drugs, then I found myself not giving a fucking shit about who I came in contact with. If you wanted me to tell you what you wanna hear? Then sure, there you go, I'll say that just to please you! I simply seen myself as an invisible object with no reason to care. I didn't even seek validation, not truly. I would say things to see how it feels. I would take drugs and then become more warped in the mind and my body simply became nothing to me. I was invisible to myself. Nothing mattered. To me it didn't matter because I wasn't seeking anything in real time. I was reading and joining in with what someone else wanted to hear. I'm a good writer that's probably my only strong point. No matter who or what it may concern I just said it to be saying it. There is the difference between my words and actions. I did not manipulate or coerce anyone into my life, I was wrong yet I was coerced and manipulated into their life all because I decided to read and look into the most degenerate ideologies. I aimed to please everyone no matter what.
I start to ask myself how can my words be taken so literal when I was lied to, when I was naive, when I wanted to be invisible. I only wanted to play video games. I was never leaving the fucking house. If I said to a friend I'll see you tomorrow, that was a lie on my behalf too because I simply wanted only my grandmother, my cat and video games. I chose celibacy. I chose to be invisible in my own home, I chose to keep myself to myself and I tried to please others who came to me. I did not seek them. I sought only to get better at video games (never happened) I sought only to stop drugs (that has happened) I yearned to be more present & caring with my grandmother (grateful that has happened)
And now? Look what has happened.
I finally understand suicide. To feel so utterly shunned, so utterly judged. To be avoided. That is when you understand suicide. God sees me, he sees what they may accuse me of being and how I am so utterly not anything of the sort. God will see that I am a good person who lost their way, many times over. Actions will always speak louder than words and God sees their actions and he sees mine. Surely God will always see their actions to be more disgraceful because they are snakes. God is the only one to judge. Snakes are the truer evil. I may have been near evil and evil may have consumed me for a short period. I was lost. Only God can judge me. My poor grandmother is all I can think about. How much suffering she has already endured. How I judged her for so many things, yet we are like sisters, best friends, we fought terribly over the past. We love eachother more than anything. I regret being stuck in the past but there is seemingly no future with harsh false judgements from others. I want to give my grandmother comfort more than anything, it's all I want to do yet without a complete family it became hard for me to give her total comfort. I became lousy in my ways, I relied on my ex partner too much yet I still miss him so much I can never move on from that either and I don't want to try find true love again. God sees that I was fake with people, that I tried to attach myself to people I didn't even know just for the fun of it. I've tried many things to steer my mind... at the very least my actions do speak louder than my words. I've been mostly sensible with reality. Typing shit on the internet to whoever is so very meaningless to me. It is real world actions that I see as important. I empathised too much with the wrong people that I brought myself down to a place I hate so very much. I never seen myself as something perfect or beautiful. I would say I wish I found God sooner but God is always with us. I'm unsure who has tried to turn the world against me. All I know is that no one has the right to play God. He sees that. I'm not saying I'm going to CTB! No way! I'm saying that I see now how many snakes are around me. Literally I don't leave the house, I never planned on it either. I have said things just to be saying it in the past. Somewhere, someone has taken my words literal when I was simply living in the virtual world, not the real world. I mostly regret and I'm deeply ashamed, and I'm sorry for believing in antisemitism because I wish I found faith in God sooner than now. I wish I seen the truth sooner. I also wish people would see my point of view and how I didn't see the internet as a reality, saying things and believing in things I should never because that is not the real me.
The real me is sensitive, shy, introverted, naive, most certainly easily led and I'm a person who only ever wanted a complete family. I never wanted to be a mother, no, no! I mean I only wish to comfort my grandmother for her to see her grandchildren (my sister's) that is all I want. That's all I wished for. It frustrated me greatly knowing my grandmother is so very strong and she lost herself but thankfully God found her again. I no longer feel that frustration, I feel sadness because of her struggles and how I didn't recognise her needing me sooner in her life.
I'm so heartbroken that my life has been spoilt through the assumption that I'm something I am not. It hurts and there's no way I see a brighter future.
So, let me start off by saying it like this ... sinners judging sinners. To me though actions will always speak louder than words.
I always thought that actions speak louder than words. Words are so very empty and meaningless, in my world anyway. People love to judge and assume the worst even without actions. Maybe it is just me who thinks that anyone can say anything without meaning, words are easily said yet to me it is your actions that will surely define you as a person. I will however try to use my words to express my situation truthfully and how my mind had worsened over these few years. I always tried to keep a positive mindset, I tried to love even the worst people. I tried to see through their struggles, pain or regret, although looking back through my posts I have always hated humans for their ability to be so cruel in how they judge others. I once judged people so much, I judged how clean their house is, how someone speaks or types, how someone dresses, how they smell... to even what their fucking windowsill looks like from the outside! Pathetic I was for judging others. I tried to not be so judgemental when my main issue is that I am always stuck in the past. I cannot move on from it. I have tried many things to do so. I have said many things to try and do so. I even shown my tits to try numb my pain. It didn't & hasn't worked. I can't forget it. It is burnt into my mind, the love I once had, the job and home I once had. How do you forget something like that? I can't.
If you do look back through my posts you can see my struggles with socialising and befriending people in general, so what did I do? I confided in the internet. Screw being in the real world I told myself! At least the internet isn't real, it's like an entirely separate reality, they are 2 different things - depending how you approach it. If you keep yourself invisible, it's not real, not to me it wasn't. It's only real when you act and purse to hurt someone in real time. To me though the real world is cruel, people are cruel and surely if the internet isn't exactly real then none of it matters? They share all sorts of ideologies and beliefs online but I would tell myself it doesn't matter, you can say what you want, it doesn't matter because words are easily said, they are pointless without action. The first wholesome community I found was SS and it was a blessing to speak openly about suicide ideation, to be a part of a community that understood the difficulties life has thrown at us without judgement. It was my first time being a part of an internet community that understood. The first place I could say "I'm going to kill myself" and it wouldn't matter. No judgment.
Then I found myself going into darker places, places that considered neo-nazis good, they spewed antisemitism, racism, misogyny, misandry. If I'm totally honest I found 4chan before I found SS and I battled with terrible ideologies even when I joined SS. Hateful ideologies. I had no God in me. I was naive and attached myself to hate way before love. I'm unsure why I did this yet I think it's because I wanted to be a part of something, I wanted acceptance, I wanted a community and hating is sure easier than loving...or is it? Perhaps I found a novelty side to a place like 4chan, it's for "the lulz" so it doesn't matter, right? Well I can see now it matters because taking in so much degeneracy made me think nothing mattered at all. I didn't want to talk with real life people, I didn't want to meet up with real life people. I wanted the internet, I wanted to stay indoors. I wanted to be invisible. That's all I wished for, video games, stay indoors, drink monster, stay celibate is all I wished for.
I can see now that being naive mixed with empathetic has caused me to struggle with saying "no". Being empathetic has caused me to sympathise with many different kinds of people i.e. neo-nazis, incels, racists and even rapists. Understandably you guide yourself in life but what happens to a person who has no family, no husband, who has nothing and rejects reality? You become increasingly desperate to find meaning, you want a community and so if you're like me...you wander. I wandered so far.
I can say though I never looked to find anyone in particular. I never meant to cause harm or hurt or come across as a fucking weirdo. I never meant to be "me" as I said, I wanted to be invisible. I didn't want to be real. I didn't feel real. I disassociate from reality a lot. I used my words as a means to see how it feels, it started with saying the N word, racism, then antisemitism, then I found myself taking drugs, then I found myself not giving a fucking shit about who I came in contact with. If you wanted me to tell you what you wanna hear? Then sure, there you go, I'll say that just to please you! I simply seen myself as an invisible object with no reason to care. I didn't even seek validation, not truly. I would say things to see how it feels. I would take drugs and then become more warped in the mind and my body simply became nothing to me. I was invisible to myself. Nothing mattered. To me it didn't matter because I wasn't seeking anything in real time. I was reading and joining in with what someone else wanted to hear. I'm a good writer that's probably my only strong point. No matter who or what it may concern I just said it to be saying it. There is the difference between my words and actions. I did not manipulate or coerce anyone into my life, I was wrong yet I was coerced and manipulated into their life all because I decided to read and look into the most degenerate ideologies. I aimed to please everyone no matter what.
I start to ask myself how can my words be taken so literal when I was lied to, when I was naive, when I wanted to be invisible. I only wanted to play video games. I was never leaving the fucking house. If I said to a friend I'll see you tomorrow, that was a lie on my behalf too because I simply wanted only my grandmother, my cat and video games. I chose celibacy. I chose to be invisible in my own home, I chose to keep myself to myself and I tried to please others who came to me. I did not seek them. I sought only to get better at video games (never happened) I sought only to stop drugs (that has happened) I yearned to be more present & caring with my grandmother (grateful that has happened)
And now? Look what has happened.
I finally understand suicide. To feel so utterly shunned, so utterly judged. To be avoided. That is when you understand suicide. God sees me, he sees what they may accuse me of being and how I am so utterly not anything of the sort. God will see that I am a good person who lost their way, many times over. Actions will always speak louder than words and God sees their actions and he sees mine. Surely God will always see their actions to be more disgraceful because they are snakes. God is the only one to judge. Snakes are the truer evil. I may have been near evil and evil may have consumed me for a short period. I was lost. Only God can judge me. My poor grandmother is all I can think about. How much suffering she has already endured. How I judged her for so many things, yet we are like sisters, best friends, we fought terribly over the past. We love eachother more than anything. I regret being stuck in the past but there is seemingly no future with harsh false judgements from others. I want to give my grandmother comfort more than anything, it's all I want to do yet without a complete family it became hard for me to give her total comfort. I became lousy in my ways, I relied on my ex partner too much yet I still miss him so much I can never move on from that either and I don't want to try find true love again. God sees that I was fake with people, that I tried to attach myself to people I didn't even know just for the fun of it. I've tried many things to steer my mind... at the very least my actions do speak louder than my words. I've been mostly sensible with reality. Typing shit on the internet to whoever is so very meaningless to me. It is real world actions that I see as important. I empathised too much with the wrong people that I brought myself down to a place I hate so very much. I never seen myself as something perfect or beautiful. I would say I wish I found God sooner but God is always with us. I'm unsure who has tried to turn the world against me. All I know is that no one has the right to play God. He sees that. I'm not saying I'm going to CTB! No way! I'm saying that I see now how many snakes are around me. Literally I don't leave the house, I never planned on it either. I have said things just to be saying it in the past. Somewhere, someone has taken my words literal when I was simply living in the virtual world, not the real world. I mostly regret and I'm deeply ashamed, and I'm sorry for believing in antisemitism because I wish I found faith in God sooner than now. I wish I seen the truth sooner. I also wish people would see my point of view and how I didn't see the internet as a reality, saying things and believing in things I should never because that is not the real me.
The real me is sensitive, shy, introverted, naive, most certainly easily led and I'm a person who only ever wanted a complete family. I never wanted to be a mother, no, no! I mean I only wish to comfort my grandmother for her to see her grandchildren (my sister's) that is all I want. That's all I wished for. It frustrated me greatly knowing my grandmother is so very strong and she lost herself but thankfully God found her again. I no longer feel that frustration, I feel sadness because of her struggles and how I didn't recognise her needing me sooner in her life.
I'm so heartbroken that my life has been spoilt through the assumption that I'm something I am not. It hurts and there's no way I see a brighter future.
